BUSH: Wait, why do we have to use a
missile?
CHENEY: Because it's much easier to shoot a
missile and say it was a plane. It's not easy to steer a real
passenger plane into the Pentagon. Planes are hard to come by.
BUSH: But aren't we using two planes for the
Twin Towers?
CHENEY: Mr. President, you're missing the
point. With the Pentagon, we use a missile, and say it was a
plane.
BUSH: Right, but I'm saying, why don't we just
use a plane and say it was a plane? We'll be doing that with the
Twin Towers, right?
CHENEY: Right, but in this case, we use a
missile. (Throws hands up in frustration) Don, can you
help me out here?
RUMSFELD: Mr. President, in Washington, we use
a missile because it's sneakier that way. Using an actual plane
would be too obvious, even though we'll be doing just that in New
York.
BUSH: Oh, OK.
RUMSFELD: The other good thing about saying
that it was a passenger jet is that that way, we have to invent a
few hundred fictional victims and account for a nonexistent missing
crew and plane. It's always better when you leave more cover story
to invent, more legwork to do and more possible holes to
investigate. Doubt, legwork and possible exposure -- you can't pull
off any good conspiracy without them.
BUSH: You guys are brilliant! Because if
there's one thing about Americans -- they won't let a president go
to war without a damn good reason. How could we ever get the media,
the corporate world and our military to endorse an invasion of a
secular Iraqi state unless we faked an attack against New York at
the hands of a bunch of Saudi religious radicals? Why, they'd never
buy it. Look at how hard it was to get us into Vietnam, Iraq the
last time, Kosovo?
CHENEY: Like pulling teeth!
RUMSFELD: Well, I'm sold on the idea. Let's
call the Joint Chiefs, the FAA, the New York and Washington, D.C.,
fire departments, Rudy Giuliani, all three networks, the families
of a thousand fictional airline victims, MI5, the FBI, FEMA, the
NYPD, Larry Eagleburger, Osama bin Laden, Noam Chomsky and the
fifty thousand other people we'll need to pull this off. There
isn't a moment to lose!
BUSH: Don't forget to call all of those Wall
Street hotshots who donated $100 million to our last campaign.
They'll be thrilled to know that we'll be targeting them for
execution as part of our thousand-tentacled modern-day bonehead
Reichstag scheme! After all, if we're going to make martyrs -- why
not make them out of our campaign paymasters? Shit, didn't the
Merrill Lynch guys say they needed a refurbishing in their New York
offices?
RUMSFELD: Oh, they'll get a refurbishing, all
right. Just in time for the "Big Wedding"!
ALL THREE: (cackling) Mwah-hah-hah!
You get the idea. None of this stuff makes any sense at all. If
you just need an excuse to assume authoritarian powers, why fake a
plane crash in Shanksville? What the hell does that accomplish? If
you're using bombs, why fake a hijacking, why use remote-control
planes? If the entire government apparatus is in on the scam, then
why bother going to all this murderous trouble at all -- only to go
to war a year later with a country no one even bothered to falsely
blame for the attacks? You won't see any of this explored in 9/11
Truth lore, because the "conspiracy" they're describing is
impossible everywhere outside a Zucker brothers movie --
unbelievably stupid in its conception, pointlessly baroque and
excessive in its particulars, but flawless in its execution, with
no concrete evidence left behind and tens of thousands keeping
their roles a secret forever.
We are to imagine that not one of Bush's zillions of murderous
confederates would slip and leave real incriminating evidence
anywhere along the way, forcing us to deduce this massive crime via
things like the shaking of a documentary filmmaker's tripod before
the Towers' collapse (aha, see that shaking -- it must have been a
bomb planted by the president and his ten thousand allies!).
Richard Nixon was a hundred times smarter than Bush, and he
couldn't prevent leaks and cries of anguished pseudo-conscience
from sprouting among a dozen intimately involved conspirators --
but under the 9/11 conspiracy theory, even the lowest FBI agent
used to seal off the crime scene never squeaks. It's absurd.
I challenge a 9/11 Truth leader like Loose Change
writer Dylan Avery to come up with a detailed, complete summary of
the alleged plot -- not the bits and pieces, but the whole story,
put together -- that would not make any fifth grader anywhere burst
out in convulsive laughter. And without that, all the rest of it is
bosh and bunkum, on the order of the "sonar evidence" proving the
existence of the Loch Ness monster. If you can't put all of these
alleged scientific impossibilities together into a story that makes
sense, then all you're doing is jerking off -- and it's not like no
one's ever done that on the Internet before.
Whenever anyone chooses to dismiss 9/11 conspiracy theorists,
accusations fly; the Internet screams that you've aided and abetted
George Bush. I disagree. To me, the 9/11 Truth movement is, itself,
a classic example of the pathology of George Bush's America. Bush
has presided over a country that has become hopelessly divided into
insoluble, paranoid tribes, one of which happens to be Bush's own
government. All of these tribes have things in common; they're
insular movements that construct their own reality by
cherry-picking the evidence they like from the vast information
marketplace, violently disbelieve in the humanity of those outside
their ranks, and lavishly praise their own movement mediocrities as
great thinkers and achievers. There are as many Thomas Paines in
the 9/11 Truth movement as there are Isaac Newtons among the
Intelligent Design crowd.
There's not a whole lot of difference, psychologically, between
Sean Hannity's followers believing liberals to be the same as
terrorists, and 9/11 Truthers believing even the lowest soldier or
rank-and-file FAA or NORAD official to be a cold-blooded mass
murderer. In both cases you have to be far gone enough into your
private world of silly tribal bullshit that the concept of "your
fellow citizen" has ceased to have any meaning whatsoever. It may
be that America has become too big and complicated for most people
to deal with being part of. People are longing for a smaller,
stupider reality. Some, like Bush, sell a prepackaged version.
Others just make theirs up out of thin air. God help us.