Bulletin: Diebold Programmed Democrats To Lose for Three Decades

In a stunning development that has thrown this year's presidential campaign into an uproar, the company that many have accused of rigging the 2004 presidential vote count has been shown to have programmed leading Democrats to throw one election after another for the past thirty years. Republican operatives employed by Diebold Organic Political Machines developed "neuro-chips" in which living brain cells and silicon circuits were fused, resulting in Democratic leaders literally programmed to do the GOP's bidding. The neuro-chips' electronic components and their living cells communicated with each other, overriding impulses to serve the interests of the general electorate instead of major corporate donors. The chips were apparently implanted when the unwitting victims were receiving oral surgery.

Former Diebold CEO Wally O'Dell tearfully admitted to reporters at the National Press Club yesterday that following the Watergate scandal he and other Diebold officials met to see what could be done to hold back what appeared to be a generation of guaranteed Democratic victories in the wake of disgraced Richard Nixon's resignation of the presidency in August 1974. "Everyone was predicting an era of Democratic Party dominance," he said. "We had to do something."

The plan adopted by O'Dell and his team - Project Cyborg - initially failed. "We programmed Jimmy Carter to make idiotic public statements like, 'I'll never lie to you,' and 'I've lusted after women in my heart,' but this wasn't enough to lose to an incumbent president, even an unelected college football lineman like Gerald Ford. However, O'Dell and his operatives did manage to give Ford 27 states to Carter's 23, even though Carter edged Ford out in electoral votes.

The next time around, however, the Cyborgers were ready. They programmed Carter to let the ailing ex-Shah into the country for medical treatment when Iranian demonstrators were demanding his extradition for decades of torture and other crimes against humanity. This predictably led to the hostage crisis that doomed Carter's presidency. O'Dell boasts that Diebold prevented Carter from listening to reason and stepping down in favor of Teddy Kennedy, who, unburdened by incumbent political baggage, was the Democrats' only hope of victory that year. Carter lost in an electoral landslide, 489 to 49, after a bungled hostage rescue killed eight Americans in the Iranian desert. "To this day Carter's presidency is considered a model of ineptitude," boasts O'Dell.

In 1984 Diebold had Walter Mondale kick off his campaign with the suicidal promise, "I'll raise your taxes," while Reagan vowed he would only approve a tax increase "over my dead body." Mondale's determination to charge voters more for government policies the electorate sharply disagreed with contrasted poorly with Reagan's rosy campaign theme of "morning in America." Reagan took 49 out of 50 states.

Jesse Jackson's populist campaign nearly derailed Project Cyborg in 1988. But successful chip implants on Democratic Party officials produced the Anybody-but-Jackson hysteria that converted Jackson from front-runner to also-ran in a matter of weeks. A far weaker candidate, Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis, lost 40 of 50 states to George Bush Sr., as well as the electoral college by 426-112.

After Bill Clinton, a self-proclaimed "Eisenhower Republican," became the Democratic Party's standard-bearer, Diebold sat out the 1992 and 1996 elections. "With both parties headed by Republicans, there wasn't much need for us," comments O'Dell. "The slogans and frame of debate we had established in previous years carried through the 1990s without further assistance," he adds.

Diebold does take credit, however, for the late 1990s decision to stick with Clinton through the entire Monica Lewinsky scandal, rather than jettison him in favor of Al Gore. "Had Gore run as an incumbent president, he would have won by a considerable margin in 2000," observes O'Dell. "So we programmed key party officials to articulate the Blow Job Defense. Although we had our doubts about whether the party faithful were gullible enough to swallow it, time proved we needn't have worried."

This year Diebold is apparently responsible for Barack Obama's comment that he would have to see Bill Clinton dance first in order to judge if he is truly the nation's "first black president," as well as Hillary Clinton's virtual endorsement of John McCain in stating that the Arizona Senator is, like her, qualified to be president, but that Obama is not.

O'Dell, en route to a consultant position at Guantanamo Bay, says that a McCain presidency is in the bag. "Hillary's negatives are so high, she'd lose to a child molester. And Obama looks edgy and defensive when he's called a Muslim, as though there were something wrong with being one. Meanwhile, McCain has the courage of his convictions, boasting we'll stay in Iraq for 100 years. We've done our job. The phonies are going down to defeat - again."