CAMPAIGN BULLETINS!

Obama Accused of Playing Race Card

McCain Retaliates With Joker

Pundits Claim Mixed Deal

Nation Folds

“Why does he have to act like he’s different? Why can’t he be like all the other white candidates in history?” said Senator John McCain . “We both have white mothers, so what’s the big deal? And furthermore I got a correspondence school masters degree in Ebonics while I was recovering from those nearly endless torture sessions in my Vietnamese Gulag, so he don’t be the only brutha in this race, know what ahm sayin”?

Karl Rove was asked to comment on McCain’s comment and he commented “ yo, whuss up wit datt? he be flip floppin steada hip hoppin? ”

The NAACP threatened a hate speech law suit against McCain and Rove but Obama urged against bringing race into the campaign.

“ This skinny kid with the light skin and the funny name, about to be changed in a way our white friends can believe in, need not stoop to the depths of the politics which have brought us all to a place in which we may never be able to live as a nation of one people, tearing down barriers that separate us and walls that divide us, except in Palestine, and extending the hand of white brotherhood, white sisterhood, white gay marriagehood and white neighborhood to one and all in order to say, Free at Last?Just Do It? Yes We Can!


Obama to Honor Irrational and Racist Fear of Islam

The Obama campaign is in process of creating a new middle name for the Senator, since Hussein seems to really disturb Islamophobes and other racists , while making members of AIPAC extremely uncomfortable. In the interest of creating a comfort zone for his Jewish supporters, early leads for a new middle name were :

Yitzak, Schmulka, Putzel, Schmendrich, Hymie and Schmuckler.

Jesse Jackson has advised against selecting Hymie .
He said “ I think Putzel or Schmuckler would work better.”


Countering the McCain campaign's use of celebrities like Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton in ads that implied Obama was simply a celebrity, the Obama Mind Massage Squad planned to introduce ads featuring the Three Stooges and Adam Sandler, implying that McCain was simply a moron. Advised that this could backfire, given that the the current president actually is a moron, a decision was made to stress physical and not mental differences, so long as they did not include race .

Obama Campaign Says Short Men Are Threat To Nation’s Future

McCain is short, Obama, in patriotic tradition, is tall. Pointing out that McCain - rhymes with insane! - is always photographed standing next to dwarfs, pygmies and twelve year old Secret service Agents, the Obama campaign will alert the nation to the danger of a short president.

“Never in our history have we been ruled by anything but tall men, and Obama is very tall, whereas McCain - rhymes with cocaine!- is very short and only made to appear tall enough, young enough and white enough to lead our country into the future”, said a tall campaign spokesman . “Look at the short guy in Russia and the other short guy in France. Do we want to wind up like them?

The McCain campaign immediately responded that Senator Obama - rhymes with Osama! - is actually endangering the nation’s future with his large ears, since a strong tail wind could blow him away and if that happened while he was president, then where would we be?

“People need to understand the real threat that Obama - rhymes with yo mama! - represents to all we hold dear on this earth, since he could take off at any moment and leave us to cope with things on our own. What kind of leadership would that be?” said a short campaign spokesperson, standing on a box in front of a group of preschool children .

McCain announces strong moves against Russia for Invading Georgia.

“My friends, we cannot stand by while our friends in Georgia are being murdered, genocided and ethnically cleansed by the Soviets, especially when they threaten Alabama and Mississippi as well, and if they get to Florida, our Cuban and Jewish friends will be in a terrible fix. We must take strong action now. I will not be drinking Vodka or eating sturgeon until the Soviets pull back!”

Advised of his geographic, historic and political mistakes and his ethnic paternalism concerning Cuban Americans and Jewish Americans, McCain said “ just kidding...this generation got soul...bom-bom-bom-bom-bom japan...heh heh heh”

Brett Favre tearfully retires from Jets, after tearfully retiring from Packers, and tearfully announces desire to be on McCain ticket as Vice Presidential candidate

McCain tearfully refuses Favre’s offer, says “he was the greatest fullback in history, but his running days are over.” Advised that Favre was a quarterback, McCain says “ I was never good with fractions. Only wimpy, light skinned kids with funny names were ever good with fractions.”

Ralph Nader and Cynthia McKinney expressed deep sadness that voters would be led to think these two were their only presidential choices.