Bulletin! Bulletin!

Peaceful rioters burn down Tehran, promise further Gandhian actions next week

MJ Shocker: King of Pop molested hundreds of children at his funeral; parents demand millions from estate, lawyers protest "serious undercounting" of child victims

Prestigious medical journal reveals depression caused by perception of reality: war, poverty, and ecocide thrive, sale of "happy pills" soars

Obama apologizes to white officer who arrested black professor for being uppity in his own home, agrees to take remedial course in word parsing from Bill Clinton

New business study proves driving while smoking, drinking, eating, texting, chatting on the phone, listening to music, putting on make-up, and looking at shopping catalogues, improves performance behind the wheel

Congress approves universal health care; all Americans born before World War I to receive unlimited free medical treatment starting in 2020. Obama hails new "humanitarian era"

Economists puzzled by low consumer confidence, urge tent city residents to go on shopping spree for good of America

Hillary Clinton urges ousted Honduran president to compromise with coup plotters, accept lifetime position as chief mango-washer in Nicaragua

Prime Minister Netanyahu assails "Spirit of Humanity" activists bringing supplies to Gazan children, decries role of "dual use" crayons in spreading "terrorist graffiti"

Rueful Osama bin Laden retires, declares Israel's pariah status and collapsing U.S. economy leave him "nothing to do."