An employee who had worked at Amalgamated Security Systems
for twenty five years and was slated to receive his pension in two weeks was
accused of murdering his boss when he was threatened with being fired.
“ He endangered my life and that of my family by denying me
any means of support after years of faithful service. All I could do to defend
myself, my wife and my children was to stand my ground when my life was
threatened. I shot him in self defense. And I used an American made weapon to
do so.”
When asked if his boss was a dangerous black teenager
wearing a hoody, the man replied “ no, he was a scumbag middle aged white
bastard wearing a suit and tie” and then broke down in tears as he explained
that the “scumbag” had laughed at him, called his wife and children “dumb
working class pieces of shit”, and had advanced on him while holding a martini
glass in menacing fashion. “ I thought he was going to throw it in my face. I
had to defend myself, my honor and my integrity as a member of the company
staff serving faithfully for twenty five years. What else could I do? What
would you do?”
The NRA, the ACLU, the AFL , the Tea Party and the Green,
Democratic, Republican and Communist parties have all offered to pay his legal
expenses. All agreed that the man was not only exercising his right to keep and
bear arms, as enshrined in the most holy second amendment to the constitution,
but the right to stand his ground when his life was threatened, according to the most holy “stand your ground
when your life is threatened” laws
in many holy states.
The president, the secretary of state and the attorney
general released a joint statement that said:
“ uh, this is,
um, an unprecedented test for, uh, a law that while not officially an , um,
federal law, is, uh, most likely a right that most, um, Americans feel very
strongly about, and , um…” At this point the stenographer fell asleep, but it
is clear that this case will, um, set a precedent for, uh, this inability to
clearly articulate disease which has, um, gripped many who are part of or, um,
reporting on this, uh, government.
Legalienate urges its thousands of fans to gather the
family around and read that last paragraph out loud…it will make you all feel
presidential.
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