Election Day Bulletins

 

Shocking Entrance Poll Results:

Ahmadinejad Elected President of USA!

A brand new polling technique that questions possible voters as they enter parking lots, shopping centers, gas stations or public toilets prior to possibly voting has revealed surprising results. When confined to Iranian-Americans, critics of Israel and lovers of Iranian food, the overwhelming choice of possible voters was Ahmadinejad for president of the USA.

“We’ll have to go back to the drawing boards and reconstruct our surveys. This form had worked in animal food and media daytime tv questionnaires but something obviously went wrong here” said a representative of the Center for the Study of Centers, which created the revolutionary new polling technique.

Shocking Vote Suppression Bulletins From All Over America

Minnesota:

Voters forced to disrobe, stand in freezing ice and snow before being allowed to vote. Poll watcher who forced them apologized and claimed he was only part-time and had previously worked at airports .

Arizona:

Multi-Billionaires pay homeless Americans to get green cards and pose as legal immigrants in order to vote for Romney. Plan backfires as Ahmadinejad carries state.

Pennsylvania:

Republicans   were accused of beating children, sexually abusing puppies and eating raw cat food in order to sicken, frighten and deny decent citizen  voters who would have chosen Obama had they not been beaten, abused and sickened away from the polls.

Democrats responded with claims that Republican mobs molested Women-Americans, African Americans, Gay-Americans, Latin-Americans, , Jewish-Americans, Irish- Americans , Italian-Americans and Dreamer-Americans who were sleep walking to the polls, interfering with their constitutional right to dream, walk, be hyphenated and vote.

Washington D.C.

Citizens of the nation’s capital who wished to vote were subjected to body searches, forced urine analysis and questioned on the meaning of the Koran in an effort to exclude terrorists, HIV positive people and Muslims from voting. The ACLU was considering a law suit defending the HIV positive people from this kind of harassment.

Oklahoma:

Voters were asked to show ownership of oil wells or stock in petroleum companies before being allowed into polling places in Tulsa and other major cities.

Early Exit Polls Show Americans Losing…Again…As Usual