Complete Transcript of Astonishingly Brilliant Republican Debate

Boulder, October 28

Moderator: Candidate 2, yesterday your opponent said something nasty about you behind your back. You have 30 seconds to insult him now.

Candidate 2: This is the whole problem with the media today, always inciting personal attacks. I won't do it, even though my opponents are complete idiots.

Candidate 3: I have a plan . . . .

Candidate 6: I have a road map . . . .

Candidate 8: I have a bill . . . .

Candidate 5: I have a road map of a bill . . .

Candidate 10: I am the only one on this stage who knows how to lead.

Candidate 1: Not true. I have a proven record of success . . .

Candidate 4: It's inevitable that I'm the next president because I'm convinced that America is the greatest country in the world . . . .

Candidate 9: I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, . . . . .

Moderator: Candidate 5, according to the Center for the Study of Centers, your tax plan is a disaster. Why don't you plan to withdraw from the race?

Candidate 5: Because I love this great nation.

Moderator: Candidate 3, how will you deal with stagnating wages?

Candidate 3: We've got to get this nation moving again.

Candidate 6: That's a start, but what about reigning in spending? I'm the only one on this stage that knows how to fight ISIL in 60 countries simultaneously and balance the budget.

Candidate 7: I've been waiting patiently all night . . . What you're all forgetting is that we need to play by the rules . . .

Candidate 3: Who cares? I will turn the economy around.

Candidate 6: Create jobs . . . blah, blah, blah, get things done, blah, blah, blah . . . hard work . . . blah, blah, blah, fiscal discipline, blah, blah, blah, cut taxes, blah, blah, blah.

Moderator: Candidate 5, you've been a loser your whole life. Why should anyone believe in your candidacy?

Candidate 5: Because I'm the only one on this stage that knows how to make tough calls in tough times . . .

Candidate 9: Hillary Clinton is the anti-Christ!

Moderator: What are your ideas on foreign policy?

Candidate 10: It's a dangerous world . . . .

Candidate 8: Weakness is a bad policy . . . .

Candidate 6: We've got to strengthen the military in strategic areas . . . .

Candidate 5: Yuck! That sounds like "smart power." I believe in the total annihilation of evil everywhere it exists.

Candidate 7: I want to talk about the issues.

Moderator: Candidate 7, aren't you just trying to distract us from the counter-attack candidate one made on you in retaliation for your attack on him last week?

Candidate 4: Let me be clear, blah, blah, blah, . . . substantive issues, blah, blah, blah . . . . honor our promises, blah, blah, blah. . . . grow the economy, blah, blah, blah. . . . debt ceiling, blah, blah, blah . . .

Candidate 1: We've got to get spending under control.

Candidate 3: Growth is the answer.

Candidate 2: Make America great again!