Jesus, Belatedly, Charged With Sexual Assault
World famous feminist lawyer Gloria Allbucks revealed
shocking details contained in previously unread biblical blogs from the Dead
Ocean Scrolls which show that Mary Magdalene suffered outrageous sexual abuse
from Jesus but was too frightened of his power to say anything at the time.
“Now that times have changed and brave people are coming forward, we can speak out for her and finally show the world what really went on in the days before TV, the internet, and lucrative litigation” said Allbucks, whose press conference was attended by hundreds of elected officials, dozens of Papparazzi, several former clergy, and six members of Girl Scouts of America who had come to the wrong press conference.
Calls for re-crucifixion came from Atheists, Agnostics,
Jews, Muslims, Democrats, Republicans, the Little Sisters of the Poor and the
Big Brothers of the Rich, while many devout Christians asked for restraint and listening
to both sides before rushing to judgment. Informed that both sides had been
dead for thousands of years, they urged prayer and that Catholics conduct a
second collection for all the suffering children in America’s charter schools.
Allbucks said she was dropping her case against statue
defilers for their vicious cruelty to animals in removing bird toilets from
public places and would put the full force of her skill into this case to
finally reveal the untold story of a sexist criminal who fooled the world for
far too long.
“When this case is over, things will never be the same for
men, for women, and for all the
other sexes”, she said.
Several of the elected officials were later accused of
sexually molesting the Girl Scouts in attendance and another lawsuit is
expected.
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