Bulletins Fron The Garlic

Latest report from ATM - American Toilet Media - proves conclusively that Trump is homophobic.

Interviews with dozens of hookers, porn stars and other hustlers show he has never had sex with a man!

Meanwhile, euro leaders who have never had sex with anyone “came together” to excommunicate Russian diplomatic corps workers in retaliation for mass murder, well, attempted murder of two people with no evidence offered yet as to why, that must have been influenced by Putin because the alleged attempted murder weapon was an exotic poison allegedly created by Russians so that they could allegedly use it to kill two Russian expatriates for no apparent or offered reason who’d been living in England for many years but whose murder suddenly became critically important because Euro-American leaders who have never had sex united with outraged bisexuals, trisexuals, unisexuals, quadrisexuals, monosexuals and homosexuals who also never had sex to put a stop to Trump’s sex life but especially to stop Russian attempts to meddle, hack, infiltrate, dehydrate, infect ,facebook, instagram, lie, steal, cheat and do other things to cause the global capitalist system to continue decomposing even while Russia and China gain power from its anti-social practices of profiting privates at public loss.

Go that? And if such idiocy wasn’t enough:

The feeding frenzy at the Russiagate food mart seems to get worse by the second, speeding up from the previous minute by minute reports of Russian meddling with our democracy and our fast food businesses to screech about new taco-pizza-burger poisoning that may cause a generation of Americans to become almost as dumb as their political media overlords.

Who can recall the crippling shock of learning (?) that Russian hustlers had spent 100,000 dollars on Facebook ads to reshape our cherished democracy from its near complete ownership by the rich to complete ownership by the rich? Most shocking of all, in an election that saw nearly seven billion dollars spent on convincing Americans – unsuccessfully – to rush to the polls and select either a rich candidate with a penis or an owned by the rich candidate with a vagina. That stunning, shocking, frightening figure spent by the evil Russian internet hustlers amounted to less than two ten thousandths of one percent of the total democracy bankroll !!!!!

And some of the evil russkies spent their funds to probe the unconscious American mindset before the election campaign began !!!!!!!!!

More recently, and with the British clown princess and her footmen taking the lead, Russia was accused of that previously mentioned poisoning the ex-spy-turncoat and his daughter, using a semi-top-secret deadly agent known only to Russians and for nefarious purposes such as, taking the British public’s minds off the sorry state of their nation by blaming its problems on (ominous violin chord) the evil commie empire of the Soviet Union?

Oooops. It’s the evil Russian empire of capitalist agents made to replace the usual knee-jerk title of individual evil responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong in life from Hitler to Putin.

And Trump is involved up to his feminist hair-color-from-a-bottle eyeballs, especially once it was shown that the Clinton campaign had paid more than 100K – the same shocking figure paid by the evil russkies! – to find dirt on Trump’s toilet habits or sex life or toilet sex life or habits or whatever such moral teachers explore in their pursuit of sewage to help achieve a more cherished democracy than the pristine one we already have.

But wait.

We have not yet had revealed the toilet and sex habits of the ex-spy and his daughter, nor what their condition is, nor what evidence there is that Russians, Hillary Clinton, Marvel Comics or Oprah Winfrey had to do with the attempt on their lives using fiendish poisons that came from Russia or somewhere near Russia or the British poison factory located a few miles from the site of the alleged crime or something. Confused? Ready to go to the polls? Oops…too late.

On a more important note, this just in from cybercurrency international

New “Buttcoin” To Replace Bitcoin, Revolutionize (Debt) Sharing Economy

Wall Street, the Pentagon, the Israeli Lobby and Nathans of Coney Island were rocked by news of the latest entry into the cyber-money-sharing global marketplace.

Italian entrepreneur Italo Manishevitz announced the new “Buttcoin”, a product of a more powerful Internet tool than the previous source behind Bitcoin, called BlockChain.

“Our new “Blankcheck” will transform the financial, political, economic and weapons markets as they have never been transformed before. “ Buttcoin” will be backed by “Blankcheck” in the spirit of the sharing economy. We will no longer be limited to sharing our tired old money with McDonalds, Uber, Comcast, General Motors or Israel but now be able to buy, sell, trade, borrow or extort funds without ever going to a bank or writing out numbers on a check in advance. In fact, new “Blankcheck” will be just that show of solidarity and kinship with fellow humans we desperately need at a time of divisive shopping. Simply make purchases with “Buttcoin” and then send a “Blankcheck” in payment that allows recipients to fill in any amount they wish and take it to an old fashioned money laundering firm to collect as much as honor, integrity and the borrowing capacity of the institution will allow.”

When asked how “Buttcoin” was reacting to the first day of its introduction into the marketplace, with “Blankchecks” filled in totaling more than 257 trillion dollars in the first hour, company vice president Murray Provoloni said “See? It’s working!”

“White Supremacy” new favorite criticism of white lower class by privileged people of all races, creeds, sexual preferences who see less privileged “whites” a threat to their privilege.

“These working class, uneducated, powerless people are responsible for the fact that America spends trillions on war, billions on pets, hundreds of millions on junk food and guns, and makes it really difficult for us to invest in the market, hire cheap foreign help to replace the more expensive cheap help once supplied by Americans, and attend demonstrations against all the things we hate but support by voting for politicians who insure economic continuity.”

AI (artificial intelligence) in the employ of OI (organic ignorance) assures free market democracy as genius robot from Ayn Rand School of Economic Constipation calls rape a cost effective form of dating. “No dinner, no movie, get right to the sex, reduces the cost of relations and even with some medical expense possibly necessitated by resistance of the datee, the market comes out ahead since health insurers will profit, too. More power to market forces!”

New reality TV show highlighting trials and tribulations of poor women trying to feed families living under bridges, highways and in tents, and forced to shop at expensive ghetto chain stores with higher prices than upscale food marts.

 “Housewives of America’s Shitholes” debuts tonight in massive simulcast on ABC, NBC, CBS, Netscape, Facemat, Twitter Twat Tweet Twaddle and DisneyNews.

Stay Tuned?