Bulletins From The Garlic: Fake but More Real than Major Media

The Homeless, poor and those without health care are organizing to leave the USA and return by sneaking across the border in hopes that immigration supporters and other humanitarians will lavish attention and care on them. “We may need a false flag attack, like bombing a tent city and killing some of us to better assure that we‘ll be treated like the Muslims we murder whose next of kin are welcomed with open arms by their murderers” said a spokesperson who refused to identify himself in fear that he might not be allowed back into the country of his birth if it was known that he was a gender specific person who hadn’t eaten in 24 hours or bathed in 24 days. “Maybe if we can return this way we’ll be treated better, maybe not as well as dogs or cats but at least with a chance to get what social services remain, the way immigrants can.”

Those living individual lifestyles without social content threaten March on Washington after Costco ran out of bagels. “This is an outrage which has happened before and we will not tolerate it again,” said chairperson P.P. Dickie of the Committee To Serve Spoiled Brats The Way Their Screwed Up Parents Did. “It’s time for personal lifestyles which demand bagels when we need them to stand up and be counted. We may march on Washington!”

Stocks soar and bonds boom as American marketplace enjoys meteoric rise from moral cesspool to moral toilet. “We’ve not seen anything this big since Cancer pharmaceuticals crossed the billion dollar mark in 2015” said Goldman-Citi-Venture-Capital ethicist Diego von Lipshitz. “It looks like the best bear market until the next bull market until the next bear market until the next bull…” At this point the Legalienate transmission broke down due to our technicians projectile vomiting. Legalienate, even in its lower budget Garlic division, does not use robots and only hires human nationals, paid union wages, which we borrow from public banks.

New Washington Think-Fink tank invites contributions and suggestions from possessors of ideas on how to enable corporadoes to make even more money, pay even less taxes and even lower wages and raise profits even higher without anyone noticing. Ideas must be submitted by college educated upper middle class people of all races, creeds, sexual preferences and belief systems acknowledging that something with a penis created the universe and who can prove that they have not yet been convicted of a felony.

No submissions from white uneducated working class people, please.

Trump accused of anti-semitism for putting America first, before Israel. Trump apologizes, gives Netanyahu backrub and leads parade of Israelis into Jerusalem with Palestinians carrying their bags and weapons.

Experts on Trump’s psychological problems very experienced as to psycho-chronic conditions common to people with intense focus on self , having been born during their mothers’ therapy sessions and starting their own treatments shortly after bottle feeding. Their mothers did not have breasts. Some speculate that their fathers did not have reproductive organs either.

“He’s clearly suffering from severe retroactive matrilineal sexual depilatory tenaciousness which is obvious in the way he grabs microphones, combs his hairpiece, waves arms when he speaks and makes lots of noise in the toilet, as many observers who hang out in his toilet have told us. He’s a very very sick man and we’re all in danger if he ever becomes president, which luckily is impossible” said Dr Phil Empty, star of the network-cable-nutwork TV show “You are a Friggin Nut until I say you’re cured, which will take many visits at $400 an hour”.

Cesar Chavez posthumously indicted for racist anti-immigration stance in his bigoted defense of his union workers against humanitarian agribusiness’s  heart-warming desire to import cheaper labor from across the border. “Those companies were just trying to help poor foreign workers to plan for better futures and dream of college. Profits had nothing to do with it and I hate to say it but Chavez was a traitor to the cause of future careerists in the government and NGO market”, said spokesperson Pato Batista of Latinos In A Rage.

Corporate and Silicon Valley support for immigration is all about humanitarianism and has nothing to do with what humanity gets paid for labor. They do not import foreign help because it’s cheaper and far more profitable but only because they love hearing workers speaking Spanish, Chinese, Swahili, and Arabic and enjoy eating foreign junk foods in their café health malls.

America’s Classical Economic Institute study finds rape a cost effective form of dating. High unemployment, low savings and high debts make dinner and a movie out of reach for some formerly affluent workers.

“Even dining at Denny’s and taking in a movie at the Octoplex can run to more than $50” said Dr. Milton Testa de Mingia,  director of the Institute and Nobel Prize winner for his explanation that lack of personal budgeting skills are behind the problem of homelessness in America. “A little rough sex can still leave room for one or the other before or after, but both dinner and a movie can be very expensive.”