Tuesday, December 4, 2007

BULLETIN...BULLETIN

Hundreds Die at Christmas Sale:

Consumers, shoplifters, sales clerks, children and pederasts were caught in a swarm of frenzied marketers rushing to a sale at the Mall in Disneyland. The scene of trampled bodies, bloody children and wailing parents brought a very bad day to the bottom line.

The Mall promised a new sale to begin as soon as the debris was cleaned up. “We’ll have carolers and clowns and hopefully everyone will forget this tragedy and just think about spreading joy and buying stuff”, said a Mall spokesperson wearing a Mickey Mouse hat.


Homeless Drowning in Bay Area Oil Slick : Thousands Stay Home Playing with their pets,um,companions.

Bay Area homeless people, seeing the outpouring of help for drenched birds after a recent oil spill, doused themselves with raw petroleum and laid down at local beaches, hoping they would be taken home and cleaned up by good Samaritans and other less biblically inspired souls.

After two of them drowned in particularly rough surf and three days went by without them receiving any help, they decided to continue loitering in downtown areas where they harass people and their pets, um, companions, by flaunting their anti-upscale looks, smells and habits.


Important Debate over Water Boarding Continues: Many still being tortured while liberals decide if it is merely a form of extreme surfing

Concerned civil libertarians continued their heated debate over water boarding, while prisoners and other critical people screamed “ what about torture itself, you ninnies” as the discussions went into their third year.

Coincidentally, the third millennium of debate over how to properly conduct war continued, while tens of millions of past war dead called out from the beyond "schmucks, how about not making war in the first place”. The ADL charged anti-Semitism was being practiced by the dead in use of a yiddish term never meant to be addressed to mixed audiences . Alan Dershowitz threatened to bring hate crime charges against the disrespectful dead, and was in turn threatened with a law suit by fans of the Grateful Dead for possibly defaming their good name.

Capital Punishment Controversy threatens to continue until thousands more are capitally punished

Heated discussions over which forms of murder to use in humanely murdering murderers almost led to violence as nonviolent supporters of wrist slapping opposed supporters of electrocution who opposed supporters of the gas chamber who opposed lethal injection . Quakers and Liberals argued that having prisoners participate in the discussions would bore them to death and that would be a more civil way of killing killers.

Crowds outside the forum meeting at the Center for the Study of Centers could be heard chanting “ end capital punishment” and “those without capital suffer its punishment” and “while you’re at it, end capitalism” , but the arguments inside grew so heated and passionate that the outside chanting could not be heard over the endless filling of water pitchers and crunching of munchies supplied by the caterers.

“This is shocking” said executive director Leopold Loeb,” we’ve never had raised voices like this. Our discussions have always been mature, moderate and middling enough to assure that we’d get continued funding from our benefactors at the foundation”. A foundation spokeswoman said “ Our desire has always been to keep people talking and not doing anything that might cause serious change , so that we might keep sending checks”. The future of the center is at stake, Loeb remorsefully murmured, in a subdued and moderate tone.

The ACLU is pondering whether it should represent a rock show which has been banned for its alleged threat to civility. The Extreme Alienation Heaviest Metal tour features bands called “Hate Crimez” , “Extermination” and “Genocide”, and offers to impregnate the first three rows of ticket buyers with the HIV virus and have band members spit, vomit and urinate into the mosh pit.

Promoters boast that all lyrics are certified as hate speech and claim their ability to participate in the free market economy is being denied by communist terrorists refusing them a venue for their performances. The show has successfully played major arenas in Israel and Germany, but sensitivity to hate crimes, harsh language, identity groups , family values , law suits and sanitation issues have led to problems in the USA.

Iran Still Labeled Nuclear Threat Despite Lack Of Any Evidence

Administration and Democratic opposition both warn: “They may not have a program to make nuclear weapons, but they could steal nukes from Israel, and then where would we be?”
Plans continued to start the genocide in Iran, and stop the genocide in Darfur.

stay tuned.

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