Bulletins!

Bush Meant Purge, not Surge

The president has been taking a laxative and meant to tell the world that it was successful, mistakenly using the word “surge” instead of “purge”. Compliant media believed he was referring to the increased troop movement in Iraq, and not the increased bowel movement at the White House, and so endlessly repeated his mistake. The nation was led to believe the surge in Iraq, which has failed, was working, while the purge in Washington, which was unknown, had actually succeeded. Democrats have vowed to cleanse their own digestive tracts before developing any foreign policy tract that might confuse major media.


McCain call for less laxatives, more wars

Senator McCain, whose years in prison developed in him a deep affection for war and his cell mates, has called for more of both. Retired veterans responded by swamping recruiting stations, including the one in beautiful downtown Berkeley, with requests to become war counselors. “Our future victims in wars forecast by heroic former prisoner and future president McCain, will need the help and counsel of those who have experience” said an American Legion consultant, dressed in his Social Security t-shirt with Medicare emergency warning decal on his VFW helmet .


Deranged poet called Bill Clinton “black”: Demented athlete calls Barack Obama “white”...

When a famous black writer, during an hysterical fit of orgasmic joy , called Bill Clinton the nation’s first black president, many asked if she had ever danced with him. Others asked if she’d taken her meds. When Senator Obama recently questioned Clinton's rhythmic ability, famed athlete and suspected murderer OJ Simpson said that if elected, just as Clinton was our first white black president, Obama would become our first black white president. The Anti Defamation League called for an end to this kind of vicious and hateful anti Semitism.


Exit Polls in all states show Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich as winners

While the actual vote totals seemed to indicate otherwise, voters questioned as they left their polling places overwhelmingly chose Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich, also selecting American Idol as best show on TV and picking the Giants to win the Super Bowl. Exit polling has long been suspect for being even less scientific than entrance polling, but these results caused many scholars at the Center for the Study of Centers to rethink the entire foundation of their centers. When several spot polls showed that Angelina Jolie would defeat Hillary Clinton by 85-15%, and that Denzel Washington carried the nation by 75% when pitted against Obama, and 90% when matched against McCain, experts said “either these people are really stupid, there’s something here we haven’t figured out, or, we’re absolute morons.” The center’s director offered no comment. Nor did the ADL.



Fed Urges Surge of Purges , calls U.S. Economy “A vast CDO”

Characterizing the entire American economy as a massive collateralized debt obligation (CDO), the directors of the Fed called for an exodus from financial markets as the only salvation for the nation. Wall Street was closed, foreign exchanges went dark, and the ADL protested use of the anti-Semitic term “exodus”.


Famed Shrink says Terrorist Voices heard by snoops are Internal

Messages intercepted by government and private industry spies, thought to be terrorist code words provoking various colored alerts throughout the nation, have been characterized as inner voices heard by disturbed personalities. A world famous psychologist who has studied primates under stress, married people during the holidays, and shoppers at fire sales, proclaimed that most messages seen as menacing are the result of over stressed listeners hearing their internal problems coming back to them, filtered through their own psychosomatic networks.

Calling it a newer and more dangerous form of schizophrenia which he has labeled “islamophobia”, Dr Bill Sofaman of the Institute for the Study of Institutes claims this new disorder originated shortly after the 911 disaster. Many who thought they heard people speaking Arabic were actually hearing their own inner gibberish, and its menacing and incoherent syllables were translated by them into plans to blow up important American places, like finished basements or golf courses, made by people who hated our democratic and love centered way of life, and our Judeo-Christian pacifism.

President Bush claimed that the only voice he hears is that of Jesus, telling him who to kill and when, as opposed to someone like Al Gore, who hears Jesus but asks him silly questions like what would he do. “Jesus is busy, you don't ask, you just listen” said Bush. Dr Sofaman said “ you see what i mean?”

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