Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Legalienate Bulletins

After extensive analysis of word, thought, volume and delivery patterns, combined with keen observation of lexicon and knowledge of race history, the Center for the Study of Centers released its report on the extremist hate speech of Senator C.P.B. Obama’s pastor, Reverend Wright.

A center spokesperson announced ” the rev was wrong, on just about everything.”

“To begin with, his ridiculous assertion that the USA was ruled by rich white men. Every middle school graduate knows full well that the USA, as well as the international business community, is ruled by a cabal of rich black capitalists. This secretive group, popularly known as the Harlem Globetrotters, has long been controlling political economic policies, and it is absolutely ridiculous to think otherwise.”

“As if that weren't enough, Rev. Wright’s charge that europeans slaughtered indigenous people here in America and stole their lands is so far fetched that even preschool graduates must be laughing. It is common knowledge that the various Indian nations conspired to entice europeans to come here, take over their lands, massacre them when they resisted, and almost totally destroy their culture, in order to plot for hundreds of years until the time was ripe to open gambling casinos which would take all the white people’s money.”

The Center urged that people read its full report for a complete outline of the other outrageous, racist, hate filled and totally dopey stuff the Reverend said.

The center is offering copies of the report to students of radio talk show correspondence schools, at a minimal charge of only fifty euros each.

New Policy at CIA

The CIA has announced changes in its program formerly known as Vigorous Interrogation, or Torture, now to be known as:

Stressful Coercive Measures in Defense of Homeland Security Employed in the Questioning of Evil Terrorist Suspects, or

SCMIDOHSEITQOETS

The Company has instructed employees and media to refrain from use of old terminology and to immediately begin use of the new language to better describe SCMIDOHSEITQOET.

The following changes in the vocabulary of vigorous interrogation should be learned with all deliberate speed, and put into practice even before our troops evacuate Iraq.

Water Boarding will hereafter be referred to as Extreme Surfing.

Eye Gouging will now be called Radical Ophthalmology

Fingernail Removal will be described as Intensive Manicure

Jaw Breaking should be seen as a form of Revolutionary Dentistry

and

Brain Drilling will be known as Surgical Psychoanalysis

Congress approved the language in a unanimous voice vote, with the only abstentions being the Progressive Caucus. When asked how they could abstain from such an important vote, their spokesperson said they didn’t want to be seen as not supporting our troops.


Clinton tells Obama: It’s On, My Man!

When asked if Bill Clinton really had been the nation’s first black president, as he was described by a breathless and brainless supporter , Senator Obama said he would have to see him dance before deciding.
Clinton angrily reacted by charging that Obama has only half as much rhythm as a real black person, and challenged him to prove his blackness in a contest. “I’ll play my sax if he dances , and we’ll see who’s got more soul or whatever that thing is called .”

Reality TV producers joined with Jerry Springer to offer a simulcast of such a debate, but only if Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Obama would be willing to mud wrestle, after the American Idol jury decided which man had more rhythm, or less shame.

Another Language Breakthrough?

The Center for the Study of Clich├ęs announced that it is pushing the envelope with a diverse multi cultural branding procedure which will be moving forward to guarantee transparent relations toward furthering the peace process wherever genocide is threatened or being committed.

Sex Scandal Avoided... or Created

In the new trend toward confessing sexual infidelities before they are revealed by Dr Phil , Rush Limbaugh or the New York Times, presidential candidates Clinton, Obama and McCain simultaneously put out press releases admitting to having participated in sexual threesomes with their mates and pets.

All insisted that their pets were of the opposite sex, but did not reveal whether the other two participants were engaging in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or very hot platonic acts of bestiality with those animals.

Recession Over : Depression Begins

Wall Street announced that it was pooling the finances of the nation’s ten biggest banks in order to insure the the Federal Reserve would remain solvent.

The nation’s ten biggest banks filed for bankruptcy right after the announcement.

The Fed chairman said , “ This is a troublesome time in our financial markets, but we are hopeful that our friends in China, Russia , Iran , Korea, Somalia, Micronesia and the occupied territories of Palestine will be forthcoming in their promise to help stabilize our economy by placing their euros in our deviation stocks and derivative bonds, or whatever those things are called.”

Commentators, pundits, financial reporters and bipartisan members of the clergy called the Fed chair’s remarks as obfuscating , confusing , perplexing and shallow as those of the previous chair, and therefore brilliantly beyond the ability of average people to understand.

The Legalienate staff urge you to hope for the best, expect the worst and have a happy April, fool.

1 comment:

Tim said...

What a bunch of crap! Love it or leave it! Go get a job!