Market seesaws wildly on news that $85 billion taxpayer bailout resembles attempt to extinguish forest fire with a hypodermic needle. Treasury Secretary Paulson vows to "go the distance," promises taxpayers will "pay back every last dime that has been stolen from them." Fed Chairman Bernanke assures brokers that public will pick up tab for "anything you want to rob in the future, too." McCain declares economy "fundamentally sound"; Obama calls for "kinder, gentler piracy."
Obama accuses McCain of "same old, same old." Outraged Palin condemns Obama for ridiculing McCain's advanced age.
McCain accuses Obama of advocating sex education for infants. Obama praises McCain's service record, says getting shot down is "a magnificent achievement every American ought to take pride in." Independent voters form breakaway "Nausea Party," promise a "barf bag in every polling booth." Voter support soars.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement hires Mexican kidnapping ring . . . Impressed by record of 43,281 kidnappings this year, Washington contracts Mexican drug cartels to track down illegal immigrants in the U.S. "These people really know how hide and seek is played" said Michael Chertoff of the Department of Homeland Security. The drug barons' new duties will apparently only involve bookkeeping adjustments, since most of them are already on the Drug Enforcement Agency's payroll fighting the "war on drugs."
Rice accuses newly installed Paraguayan president Fernando Lugo of "terrorism without borders." "He refuses to take any salary and says the elimination of poverty is his number one priority," complains U.S. Secretary of State, adding that his Christian Bolshevism is "spreading all over Latin America." She recommends that Lugo, a former priest, "stop reading that liberation theology garbage."
Obama says "Jesus died for my sins," McCain says he is "saved and forgiven," both candidates embrace "pulverize thy neighbor" foreign policy in name of Christ. Human Rights Watch condemns Hugo Chavez for not appointing more coup plotters to high office.
U.S. extends control to 3% of Afghanistan, declares victory amidst sea of opium poppies. With Kabul a maze of blast walls, sandbags, and concertina wire, U.S. airstrikes wipe out 12 orphanages and 18 schools, killing 541 Afghan children. President Bush declares "mission accomplished," expresses regret so many "Taliban militants" choose to live in "harm's way." Obama urges "tougher action" and more U.S. troops.
Washington hails preservation of "Iraqi sovereignty" with new security agreement calling for American control of Iraqi exports, investments, contracts, military bases, marital relations, and tooth decay. U.S. ambassador retains right to arrest and torture at will. U.S. soldiers awarded permanent immunity for anything they have done or will do. Joyous Iraqis turn cartwheels in the streets.
Treasury Department says Israeli helicopter gunships serve "charitable, religious, and educational purposes." I.R.S. confirms donations for blowing up Palestinian apartments do qualify for tax deduction. "Community development, that's what we're looking for," said Noam Schmuck of Peace Through Ethnic Cleansing. "And there's no question that Jewish community thrives on getting rid of Arab loiterers who've been hanging around for centuries to no visible purpose."
Obama and McCain campaigns declare bankruptcy. Fed nationalizes presidential campaigns on strength of news that both candidates are wholly owned subsidiaries of collapsed securities firms. Obama refuses to concede, declares determination to "get down on my knees and fight like hell."