Green Peace Has Corporate Rival
Green Pus, a new advocacy group formed by international capital, lauds garbage and waste as profit makers that can be recycled into more garbage and waste which will create jobs to produce, distribute, sell and then collect, recycle and reproduce more garbage and waste.
A spokesman for the group said “ Garbage and waste are the backbone of our economy . Foolish “green peacers” try to protect the earth not realizing it is the exploitation and destruction of earth that brings great prosperity to humanity.”
Green Pus has adopted as its logo a photo of third world children picking through enormous piles of foul rubbish seeking food, clothing and shelter for their families, with the caption:
Without garbage these poor children would never survive!
Environmental Movement Takes Strong Antiwar Stand
A new coalition urges ecological sensibility in all future wars. It will not support any military actions unless they are performed against bio-invadable nations.
“We must only attack bio-invadable countries in future or the environmental damage done by wars will endanger all of us, even those far away from the actual killing and maiming. And our attacking forces must be diverse and multi-lingual, in keeping with a changing environmental movement that is diverse and multi lingual”
Bio-invadable nations are those far enough away that the attacking nations don’t have to worry about the pollution, toxic chemicals, maimed victims and other ecological dangers of wars affecting them.
The group was immediately nominated for a Nobel Peace prize.
Pubic - Not Public! - Option
America’s new Private Health Insurers Assurance of Control program will cover the cost of pre-surgical shaving of tax paying citizens’ genital areas with a special subsidy collected from illegal immigrants. A spokesperson for the Speaker of the House said “congress and the president regret the mistaken notion of a public option, unthinkable in our free market economy in which there is no such thing as a free lunch, a free health exam, or for that matter, when you come to think of it, an actual free market.”
Israel Justifies Killing Children In Gaza
Jewish state claims they would likely have become terrorists when they grew up and the IDF was thus protecting the nation from a future holocaust.
“These kids were certain to grow up wanting to murder innocent Jews, since they were Palestinians and we know how horribly they have treated the Jewish people, worse even than the nazis who only tried to exterminate Jews but never threatened them with mass drowning by driving them into the sea.”
The Democratic Congress and President Obama supported Israel’s action as understandable and necessary defense and the president said “I stand with Israel 100%, always have and always will, even if they might have to kill my daughters if they find out my daughters might someday become terrorists who might develop nuclear weapons and might use them to kill innocent Israeli children and might create a second holocaust.”
Congress passed a supporting resolution calling for aborting all Palestinian babies as potential future terrorists. The vote was unanimous. “We stand with Israel 100%, always have and always will “ said a spokesperson for the republican minority.
Citizen Activist Group Charged With Hate Crimes
By accusing politicians of performing as "lap dogs for corporate wealth" and calling them "sexual perverts for snuggling at the crotch of capital "and "foot fetishists for licking the boots of power", the citizen action group SCORN has been accused of hate crimes by congress, the president, major media, and organized religion.
A spokesperson for the established values coalition said “Our great nation was not built on straight talk, honesty, or calling a spade a spade. In fact, cancel that last metaphor or I could face trial, too. This kind of hate language could lead to acts of terrorism, critical thinking and other horrors too evil to even mention. They must be tried in a court of constitutional law that forbids such genocidal language. Such perversion of free speech must be dealt with by rational and serious people.”
Unlimited Violence Games Deemed Suitable For TV
The television success of kick, punch and spit-on boxing has led to the creation of even more vicious sports and the FCC has decided that the new Unlimited Violence games will be allowed on pay television. These games will introduce American audiences to live, competitive throat slashing, eye gouging and disemboweling of opponents, but also terror bombing of their families and ethnic cleansing of their neighborhoods.
“American viewers have grown tired of simply watching one man beat another senseless and they need to see actual murders and if possible, group annihilations. This is far more realistic and entertaining than kick, punch and spit on boxing and sponsors are lining up to buy time on these telecasts which will surely attract new millions to pay tv, especially if their credit cards haven't yet been canceled. “
Future plans are to include a division for battling women which would include competition involving homicidal makeup smearing, violent bitching about stupid men and tearing off wigs without without first removing hair clips. There had been a suggestion about dog and cat fighting, but producers thought viewers would find such cruelty to animals completely unacceptable.