President Announces Invasion After Peace Speech
After giving one of his weekly stirring speeches on peace which bring tears to the eyes of admirers, detractors and those suffering Mental Antagonism Disorder(MAD) the president called for a massive military attack on the third world nation Oblivia.
“The Oblivians who are rising up to demand that the west repay them for past plundering of their people and other resources fail to understand the nature of Western domination. We are higher orders of humans, regardless of race, creed or mental status, while they represent a deadly threat to the well being of all Americans whose pets desperately need the animal foods our nation relies on and which come from the remains of Oblivia’s livestock and children. Especially during this cherished holiday season, we must do the smart thing and kill for peace.”
Many of the assembled press joined in tearful appreciation of the president’s rhetorical ability to cloud minds and morals with his soaring rhetoric. Spin doctors, political analysts, congress and day care workers united in support for this smart new war to save humanity from a stupid old culture.
Oblivians Delighted At Invasion By Multicultural Forces
The newly invaded people of Oblivia have expressed grateful satisfaction at being devastated by an attacking army of diverse persons. “My home was bombed by afro-asian-american bisexual jews and my daughter was raped by a latino-arab-american lesbian” said a smiling, if distraught, native of the third world nation which provides dog and cat food to the developed world. “Of course I am sad to lose my home and my family, but at least I can grieve knowing that they were murdered by a truly integrated, socially diverse force of invaders and killers. In a strange and confusing way, I am almost happy that I have suffered for the good of affirmative action in the developed world. Thank you so much for the drug injection you gave me before conducting this interview. Why is my skin making faces at me?”
Tiger Woods named Stud of the Millennium
After the entire female population of Concord, New Hampshire revealed that they had slept with Tiger Woods, raising the alleged total of woman he has had to upwards of fifty seven thousand, PlayWithYourSelf magazine nominated him for Stud Of the Millennium, with aging publisher Hugh Betcha offering Woods accommodation at the world famous PlayWithYourSelf mansion, constructed in the shape of male genitalia.
Woods would not answer calls from the press but his publicist said that while he appreciates all the tasteful attention given his alleged sexual escapades in a nation which sees 100 people killed on its highways every day , he would soon leave organized major sports and enter miniature golf competition out of respect for all the envious white men , angry black women and other unfortunate citizens living lives of such incredible emptiness that only sordid gossip about celebrities could hold their attention.
Attack on Department of Clichés Headquarters
A bloody attack on Cliché Central was claimed by the Clarity in Speech Liberation Front. Three media workers were shot dead while saying that a decade long study had proved that the envelope was being pushed towards transparency by sources which could not be revealed at the present time. A message released to major media and minor online gossip sites said:
“We will not tolerate any further evasions of language, distortions of speech or refusals to call a spade a spade for political reason. Death to the speakers of obfuscatory cliché ridden, uh, inarticulate empty repetitious talk that goes on and on, with interruptions of inarticulateness that, um, like, you know, mess up our minds and like, make it very difficult to , um, get a point across, which has been a problem for the one one hundredth of a decade during which this comment has been in the process of, um, getting across or trying to, like, make clear.”
The group was thought to be affiliated with the international terrorist communist islamic rosicrucian illuminati front and, um, was seen as the biggest threat to peace since the attacks of, uh, 911.
Obamanation Called Abomination by U.N. General Assembly
After the United Nations In-Security Council supported a U.S. - Israel resolution censuring Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Venezuela, Bolivia, Ecuador and the Little sisters of the Poor as supporters of International terrorism, child molesting and puppy dog and kitty cat beating, the General Assembly voted unanimously to move U.N. headquarters far from the abomination of the Obamanation. The new headquarters will be in a place more representative of the hopes and sentiments of the global majority: a cave on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.
Leading Banks To Pay TARP With CARP Funds
Major financial institutions which borrowed hundreds of billions of dollars of public money from the TARP fund (troubled asset relief program) have promised to pay their debts early, using money from the CARP fund ( criminal asset relief program). The president, congress and federal reserve thanked them for their early payment and agreed to loan them several trillion more dollars if CARP isn't enough to assure them another record profit making year.
Speaking for the average American taxpayers, former homeowners and unemployed workers, a minority of congress renounced their citizenship and escaped to the West Bank and Gaza, where they hoped to find higher morality if not peace or justice.
Hate Crimes Definition Expanded:
Six billion more Covered
Under pressure from groups which felt they were left out, hate crimes will be considered in cases of discrimination judged to be based on taunting or harassing because of height, weight, region of birth, membership in Crips, Bloods, Elks or Masons, style of dress, being clean shaved or bearded , being overweight, underweight, weightless, unstylish and unfashionable in attire or treated as stupid by people who think they are smart.
Liberal groups threatened to sue conservatives for Hate Crimes under the new definition because conservatives call them wimpy but Conservatives had already filed suit because liberals call them rednecks. That case may reach the Supreme Court after it is featured on the Daily Show, The Onion and the new online sensation from Legalienate, The Garlic. All these groups have been accused of hate crimes in the past or will be in the future, along with countless millions of individuals who will finally have the opportunity to get even with society for making them, uh, members of, uh, groups which are really, like, hated.