Thursday, June 17, 2010

Israel Bombs Psychiatrist Flotilla!

World Recoils in Shocked Horror; White House Regrets “Brutal but Understandable” Massacre of “Well-Meaning” but “Incredibly Depraved” Shrinks

by Michael K. Smith
Legalienation News Bureau

The Israeli Air Force today bombed a flotilla of psychiatrists attempting to bring elephant tranquilizers to increasingly rabid Israeli leaders, whose stubborn defiance of rationality has caused Prime Minister Netanyahu’s and Defense Minister Ehud Barak’s psychiatrists to commit suicide in recent days.

Forty-six psychoanalysts were killed and ninety-three wounded in the bombing of the convoy of ships dubbed Tranquility shortly after it left port in Cyprus. Ayal Shavit, an Israeli military spokesperson, bluntly declared the attack legal, stating, “We have every right to defend Jewish sovereignty in Cyprus.”

International reaction to the flotilla disaster quickly poured in from around the world. Speaking from the State Department’s palatial new headquarters in Jerusalem, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton pronounced the killings “well-executed,” while expressing regret that a few “bad apples” had infected the Free Israel Movement with “terrorist aspirations.” She cautioned against anti-Semitic overreaction, pointing out that, “If the boats hadn’t deliberately and provocatively set sail from Cyprus, Israel’s bombs would have fallen harmlessly in the ocean.”

President Obama withheld comment in the interest of remaining neutral, and speedily dispatched a new shipment of attack helicopters to Israel.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Washington rejected “the Orwellian notion” that bombing the flotilla constituted an attack. “Those terrorist shrinks had to be stopped,” he said. “The quest for mental health is a dagger pointed at Israel.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi concurred, stating that “psychiatry makes itself a tool of the terrorists if it begins to promote indiscriminate mental health.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu denounced the flotilla as “Disease Boats,” not “Cure Boats,” and complained bitterly of the hostile reception Israeli commandos received after boarding the burning wreckage and peacefully engaging the bleeding survivors with stun grenades, tasers, machine guns, and tear gas. One commando suffered a brutal paper cut when a hurled copy of “Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis” struck him on the left forearm. Netanyahu pronounced it “a miracle” that the man survived, and called for the psychiatrists to be put on trial in The Hague for crimes against humanity.

Pressed for a solution to the endless violence, Netanyahu said he supports an outcome based on two states living side by side, Israel above ground, and Palestine below. His new psychiatrist, replacing the late Moshe Yatom, was unavailable for comment, as he fled to France after a rabies shot failed to cure his patient.

The Free Israel movement’s desperate effort to chemically pacify Israeli leaders has come after years of fruitless attempts to bring them to sanity by traditional means. Orthodox psychoanalysis has proven itself inadequate in that the “cathartic” or emotional acting-out treatment initially favored by Freud provides only temporary relief to Zionists, while producing tragically permanent effects on others. In a dramatic recent case a psychiatrist was stabbed 93 times after encouraging his Jewish patient to “go with” his feelings about implementing an equitable political settlement with Palestinian Arabs. In another, an Israeli settler “free associating” to the term “Palestine” caused his analyst to go deaf by screaming expletives into his ear for 36 consecutive hours, only stopping when he developed permanent lockjaw.

Free Israel psychiatrists concede that Israeli leaders are “the toughest nuts we’ve ever had to crack,” but remain optimistic they can fulfill their mission to “liberate the inmates from the giant mental hospital Israel has become.” Dr. Geoffrey Mann, a colleague of Moshe Yatom’s, whose recent suicide touched off the international shrink solidarity movement, reminded BBC viewers yesterday that Freud devised his psychoanalytic method treating “severe hysteria,” which is exactly what afflicts Israeli leaders today. Mann stated that Freud’s initial remedy - hypnosis - has not worked well with Israeli leaders only because “they are already hypnotized by Zionist ideology.” To induce a still deeper trance apparently runs the risk of permanent coma, which is not generally regarded as a desirable psychiatric outcome, though it cannot be denied that the late Ariel Sharon’s conduct improved markedly after he lapsed into a coma.

Rumors that the Israeli commandos burned books after boarding the flotilla turned out to be false. According to the Dissociated Press, what actually happened is that the commandos piled all the psychiatry books on the ships’ decks and riddled them with bullets, while shouting, “Now maybe you’ll see that your arguments are full of holes!”

-----Michael K. Smith is the author of "Portraits of Empire" and "The Madness of King George," from Common Courage Press. He co-blogs with Frank Scott at http://legalienate.blogspot.com. He can be reached at proheresy@yahoo.com

31 comments:

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finally - a genius at satire!!! Thank you Michael!

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At approx. 11am this morning, Israel bombed www.creditscore.com in an attempt to lessen Palestinian purchasing power. Recently, the Israeli Mossad has detected Palestinians with credit scores upwards of 750 and even 800. The IDF is still assessing damage reports indicating Israel has decimated most AAA creditholders; yet IDF military personnel insist some Palestinians remain who still possess sufficient credit to buy an RC Cola and a cherry moon pie.

Israeli PM Benjamin NetanYahoo has declared all-out war on www.creditscore.com stating, "Whirlpool my ass, they're trying to buy weapons of mass destruction and a matching set of automated ice cream makers with backup power. The claim they were just trying to buy an RC Cola and a cherry moon pie is pure pro-Palestinian propaganda."

Israeli Ambassador to the U.S., Michael Oren, maintains that CreditScore.Com is nothing but an anti-semitic money-laundering operation poised to give away free toasters and refrigerator magnets to Hamas front organizations.

In a related story, U.S. defense contractors have successfully completed the final test phase of their new refrigerator-buster bombs designed to interrupt any accumulation of refrigerator magnets in the West Bank and Gaza; the Pentagon has dismissed Palestinian claims that their refrigerator magnets were nothing more than recipe-holders, insisting Palestinian refrigerator magnets could be used in the production of long-range missiles. To date, Israel has bombed Whirlpool, Amana and the Price Is Right, claiming great success in reducing Palestinian magnet proliferation. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a statement yesterday: "We have satellite images of Sham-WOW products being hidden amongst the civilian population. We begin bombing at 11am tomorrow morning."

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