News From The Garlic Bureau

Affirmative Action for Capital Inc.

The multinational conglomerate demands new laws and programs to strengthen divisions among people and insure a future for private profits.

“We need more than the old programs of affirmative action, ethnic studies and other identity reinforcing policies that hyphenate everything and obliterate class differences,” said corporate CEO Fulgencio Duvalier. “Multicultural diversity must include further breakdowns of people into smaller groups, especially those unfortunate commodity segments who suffer as social outcasts and need identification as individuals who can prosper with therapy, drugs, counseling and other products available in the free market.”

The firm says that convicted murderers, spoiled brats, sexual degenerates, socially aberrant personalities and other minorities are important markets that need to be developed. In that spirit the multiculturally diverse Nobel Prize winning private non-profit has announced the formation of support groups for those previously reduced to suffering in silence with no mental or physical help available to them.

“We see the need and we fulfill it, ” said their advertising director, Mother Superior Chan Andalucía Leibowitz.

One new group will offer support to convicted child molesters who have been denied their efforts at adoption, for jobs at child care centers or even as volunteer School Crossing Guards.

“We have so many without jobs that we should be anxious to help the economy by hiring people, no matter what their past experience has been and even if we have to import them. Freedom has its limits, as we all know. You can’t yell “fire” on a fire engine, or something like that. But business is business!”

Lox TV Introduces Reality Show

A family of serial killers will be featured in a new Lox TV reality show. They have been tried for seventeen murders but never convicted. The father of four sons and two daughters is a tri-polar criminal defense lawyer and the mother is a manic depressive schizophrenic social worker. All six of the children suffer from acne, bad breath, persecution complexes and every social disability to have been invented in the past twenty-five years.

The first episode features a confrontation at Thanksgiving dinner when two of the sons try to stab their mother. The father defends their action as he attempts to seduce one of his daughters while the guests, a group of ex-POWS, eat all the turkey before a battle erupts between the Viet Nam and Iraqi veterans. The show was test marketed and received glowing reviews from advertisers.

New Group Demands New Hate Laws

Peter Paul, chair of the radical Smoke Tea Party, has called for laws banning not only hate speech, but boring speech, stupid speech, lisping speech, inarticulate speech, sibilant speech, redundant speech, loud speech, soft speech, repetitious speech and foreign speech.

“What this nation needs more than anything is silence. There’s been too damned much talking and none of it makes any sense, including what I’m saying right now. If we get everyone to shut up by throwing one another in prison and keeping quiet, we’ll have some time to think and maybe then we can pass laws to allow only thoughtful speech and thereby end politics as we know it.”

He apologized for ending a sentence with a preposition when we corrected him and then told us to shut the fuck up.

Clinton Will Move to Chicago to Vote for Emanuel

Former president Bill Clinton defended Rahm Emanuel’s right to run for mayor of Chicago. “ I understand that Rahm holds dual citizenship with Israel and a citizen of our dear friend nation should be able to run for mayor anywhere in America, whether living there or not. I’m ready to move to Chicago to vote for him, and as I have said in the past I will grab a gun and jump into the trenches to defend the Israeli right to run American cities. And I did not inhale, nor did I have sex with that woman, but I support abortion so I’m a feminist. Anybody got Oprah’s phone number?

Obama’s Speech Brings Many To Mindless State of Bliss

Many citizens were once again lifted to the heights, or lowered to the depths depending on their politics and intelligence, by the president’s recent spell binding oratorical splendor. Many democrats, some republicans, quite a few ordinary citizens and formerly employed workers and members of the mainstream media were overcome with emotion that caused them to weep hysterically, achieve multiple orgasms and pass out during the historic state of the union address or recent talk to the chamber of commerce or press conference or whatever by president Barack Obama.

A seasoned observer and famous pundit said “ It wasn’t what he said, because he really didn’t say anything, but the way that he said it that caused me to swoon, wet myself and pass out. It reminded me of all the great orators of our great past, like Martin Luther King, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Flavor Flav and such. Actually, I’m too emotional to speak anymore. I need to write a new column extolling his verbal dexterity and linguistic ability to weave perspicacious cliché with substantial bullshit and have it come out so profoundly full of emptiness.”

stay tuned...