An employee who had worked at Amalgamated Security Systems for twenty five years and was slated to receive his pension in two weeks was accused of murdering his boss when he was threatened with being fired.
“ He endangered my life and that of my family by denying me any means of support after years of faithful service. All I could do to defend myself, my wife and my children was to stand my ground when my life was threatened. I shot him in self defense. And I used an American made weapon to do so.”
When asked if his boss was a dangerous black teenager wearing a hoody, the man replied “ no, he was a scumbag middle aged white bastard wearing a suit and tie” and then broke down in tears as he explained that the “scumbag” had laughed at him, called his wife and children “dumb working class pieces of shit”, and had advanced on him while holding a martini glass in menacing fashion. “ I thought he was going to throw it in my face. I had to defend myself, my honor and my integrity as a member of the company staff serving faithfully for twenty five years. What else could I do? What would you do?”
The NRA, the ACLU, the AFL , the Tea Party and the Green, Democratic, Republican and Communist parties have all offered to pay his legal expenses. All agreed that the man was not only exercising his right to keep and bear arms, as enshrined in the most holy second amendment to the constitution, but the right to stand his ground when his life was threatened, according to the most holy “stand your ground when your life is threatened” laws in many holy states.
The president, the secretary of state and the attorney general released a joint statement that said:
“ uh, this is, um, an unprecedented test for, uh, a law that while not officially an , um, federal law, is, uh, most likely a right that most, um, Americans feel very strongly about, and , um…” At this point the stenographer fell asleep, but it is clear that this case will, um, set a precedent for, uh, this inability to clearly articulate disease which has, um, gripped many who are part of or, um, reporting on this, uh, government.
Legalienate urges its thousands of fans to gather the family around and read that last paragraph out loud…it will make you all feel presidential.