Legalienate Poll Results

Legalienate’s polling division conducted a nation wide phone survey after both corporate party debates and arrived at some surprising results. While several people were experiencing multiple orgasms every time their favorite spoke, the great majority seemed to feel that all four candidates would have done better on American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance, which were seen as having intellectually superior judges and juries. Following are some thoughts from the poll responders.

Julius of Detroit:

 I thought the white guy with the Vaseline head was ignorant and the other white guy with the tan was sleeping most of the time. I’d vote for Malcolm if he was alive.

Mary of Hollywood:

 I think Bernie Madoff had more economic knowledge than either the presidential or vice presidential candidates. I like the job Biden’s dentist did. His teeth looked great whenever he shut up and just smiled.

Delma of Schenectady:

 Obama is the son of god. I believe he was sent to redeem us. Will I be paid for this call?

Waldo of Somewhere in Idaho:

 If they try to take away my guns I will kill all four of them. Is this being taped?

Samantha of Palm Springs:

 Can you get me a drink? I love Obama. He is such a great speaker. Can you send me a drink?

Tony of Trenton:

 I thought the guy with the suit was pretty good but the other guys sounded stupid. They don’t know nuthin about nuthin. Obama is a communist and the other one is a moron. This country went down the tubes after Reagan left.

Wilford of Cambridge:

There was a certain tone of condescension I detected on the part of the president who seemed to take naps while Romney spoke and the vice president was very rude to Ryan, often looking at him as though he were a nut case. I love our democratic system and believe implicitly in the wisdom of the rich people who own it. Will there be snacks after this?

Willa of Boston:

I didn’t watch any of the debates. I have more important things to do. Have to feed the dog, pick my nose, watch some good tv, you know stuff like that. I will probably vote since I consider it a civic duty. This is a democracy and we all are responsible for acting like good citizens. But that doesn’t mean I have to watch stupid debates. I’ll just enter the voting booth, pick my nose, and then pick a candidate the way I always do. If the booger sticks, that’s my vote. God bless america

Leopold of Chicago:

All the candidates looked and sounded really good to me. It’s difficult to make a choice among such well versed and articulate men, all of them so bright and so willing to serve the people. I’ll have a hard time. Almost like shopping for clothes, cars, pet foods or shampoo but with less choices, so maybe it will be easier than I think.

Elizabeth of Santa Monica:

I was insulted by all of them. Their egoism and ignorance was embarrassing. Just thinking about them makes me want to puke. I’d vote for the Three Stooges before any of these clowns. And I mean no disrespect to the Three Stooges, who were very talented men.

Legalienate interviewed Professor Dingus McNobel of the Center for the Study of Centers, a well known expert on polling and frequent analyst of what people really mean when they say what they think they mean until someone who really understands the meaning of meaning can interpret what they really say.

He had this to say about what all this meant. Or might mean. Or could mean.

“ Clearly there is a serious lack of clarity among debate viewers, as among Americans in general. The widespread notion and belief in our democratic system is balanced by an equally widespread notion that we are all morons, but I believe such a sweeping generalization merely simplifies a deep and penetrating social problem that can assure employment to analysts, if few others, for quite some time to come.

In short, or long as the case may be, the nation is confused and misdirected into accepting widely disparate perspectives on what denotes politics, democracy and good entertainment, as can be seen by the curious comments of the person who thought the candidate should be on Americans Idle, a clear reference to our unemployment problem but also, and conversely, a view of the physical as opposed to mental attributes of these candidates. And when we consider the framing of these debates…”

At this point our communication satellites signal was lost.

Whew.