Twenty-one killed in twenty-one gun salute . . .
Hillary Clinton calls for Obama to nuke Syria to "send a message" to Dictator Assad that weapons of mass destruction are intolerable.
Tea Party stages riot on House floor to stave off Obama care, condemns "permissive society" and endorses Sharia law. Democrats call for multicultural mullahs to build bridge to 7th century.
Congressional Budget Office publishes study confirming that looting bankers provide essential stimulus to advanced economies. Obama's financial team concurs, issues statement saying that, "no one works harder than those who have lost their savings, homes, and pensions."
Russian President Vladimir Putin condemned for agreeing with American people that war in Syria is inadvisable. ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN call for "Americans infected with foreign ideas like peace" to be deported to Russia.
Congressional Republicans sift clues as to why security in Benghazi was weak in wake of U.S. overthrow of stable government with highest standard of living in Africa in favor of Al Qaeda fanatics. Grand mystery expected to continue for five more years at least.
Obama agrees to lower minimum wage to $3 an hour if Republicans go along with fifteen-gun limit per household. Walmart joins campaign, offers to pay employees with shotguns in lieu of wages.
House introduces bill requiring food stamp recipients restrict purchases to "nutritious food." National supermarket chains condemn bureaucratic meddling by Washington calling for "novelty items." Fat Pride movement rejects nutritious food initiative as anti-fat people hate campaign. Junk food sales continue to soar.
AIPAC calls for world peace, demands Obama attack Syria, Iran, Yemen, Somalia, Pakistan, Sudan, and Michigan. Obama hails "timeless values" U.S. shares with Israel.
Tokyo denies violating international whale ban, says cooked whales are turning up on Japanese beaches due to Fukushima melt-down, which is "under control" and "poses no significant hazard."