Most Shocking Bulletin Since Last Most Shocking Bulletin! Assad Wants To Help Us!!

Legalienate, through its connections to international hackers, interplanetary slackers and more underworld overlords than it can reveal, has come into possession of a secret recording of a conversation between Bashir al Assad and his most loyal hench people.

It reveals, shockingly and for the first time, that he is actually intent on helping rather than hindering our great nation.

This translation comes to us through a former Israeli agent who once worked for Fox news, Msnbc and Sesame Street and whose work is highly regarded by gender fluid double agents and single minded pursuers of honesty, integrity and democracy among child molesters of all races, creeds and consumer tastes.

Prepare to be shocked.

recorded excerpt follows.

Sniveling Underling:

So, brilliant leader, now that with the help of Russia, Iran and Hezbollah we’ve gained the upper hand in the battle against the terrorists and their toadies and even the USA has defied Israel and dropped its claim that you must go, what have you planned for the immediate future to insure that we continue on the path to ultimate victory?

Assad:

I have a wonderful idea. We make a chemical attack on our people, especially children and babies, and have film crews, videographers and others of our enemies on hand to record, broadcast and spread the information to the entire world that we have poisoned innocent babies, but especially to the most impressionable, sincere assholes on the planet, the pinhead americans and their semi-imbecile leader.

Groveling Servant:

But..but…respectfully, dear loving murderous tyrant, how can that possibly help your image?

Assad:

Schmuck, where do you live? don’t you understand? the pinheads will be torn apart by the images and immediately attack us, causing far more deaths and refugees than they have already created, and given their past stupidity in fighting amongst themselves over accepting poor suffering orphans after they have murdered their parents, I will be able to sneak into the nation under an assumed identity, say, a kardashian or rockefeller or rapper – hmm, I could be “mc low i.q” - and eventually run for president as a democratic candidate once I have proved myself even dumber and certainly more dishonest than the republican.

Former western agent now working for evil enemy:

But gracious host and best employer I’ve ever had and whose sap I suck with reverence, how can that help the cause of global evil and murder which you represent with such talent and force?

Assad:

Listen asshole, and learn about globalization. Once I take power I can appoint good buddy Putin as secretary of state and loyal comrade whatsisname from north Korea as secretary of defense and others of our cabal of evil and soon we will control the world, just as the americans have learned from their comic books, tv shows and grad schools, only now they will have been taken over by proven assholes from without, instead of continuing under the idiotic rule of home grown assholes from within who shame the nation and are leading to its downfall. In liberating it from these intellectual misfits and moral degenerates:

We will make America great again!