Jesus, Belatedly, Charged With Sexual Assault
World famous feminist lawyer Gloria Allbucks revealed shocking details contained in previously unread biblical blogs from the Dead Ocean Scrolls which show that Mary Magdalene suffered outrageous sexual abuse from Jesus but was too frightened of his power to say anything at the time.
“Now that times have changed and brave people are coming forward, we can speak out for her and finally show the world what really went on in the days before TV, the internet, and lucrative litigation” said Allbucks, whose press conference was attended by hundreds of elected officials, dozens of Papparazzi, several former clergy, and six members of Girl Scouts of America who had come to the wrong press conference.
Calls for re-crucifixion came from Atheists, Agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Democrats, Republicans, the Little Sisters of the Poor and the Big Brothers of the Rich, while many devout Christians asked for restraint and listening to both sides before rushing to judgment. Informed that both sides had been dead for thousands of years, they urged prayer and that Catholics conduct a second collection for all the suffering children in America’s charter schools.
Allbucks said she was dropping her case against statue defilers for their vicious cruelty to animals in removing bird toilets from public places and would put the full force of her skill into this case to finally reveal the untold story of a sexist criminal who fooled the world for far too long.
“When this case is over, things will never be the same for men, for women, and for all the other sexes”, she said.
Several of the elected officials were later accused of sexually molesting the Girl Scouts in attendance and another lawsuit is expected.