Dalai Lama, Bush, Congress, Brittany Spears, PETA and New York Yankees Vow Not to Watch Democratic Convention Until Democrats Stop Experimenting on Animals and End Genocide in Darfur, Iraq, Afghanistan , Georgia and all those other places.
TV Executives Sue Dalai Lama, Bush, Congress, Brittany Spears, PETA and San Francisco 49ers for Potential Defamation of Ratings.
Law Suit Replaces Yankees with 49ers because “San Francisco’s a smaller market ; we can’t afford to lose New York”
Biden’s Spellbinding Speech Begins
Democrats approach group orgasm after keynote address by Mrs. Obama. “ I loved when she said she loved America. It just made all of this worthwhile, you know?” said a Clinton delegate. “ This is what we’ve all been waiting for. We needed to hear that.”
All doubts about Michele Obama’s patriotism now having ended, Democrats feel victory in the air.
Biden Speech Continues
Mass rioting outside convention, mass partying inside, mass hysteria among pundits, mass confusion in Denver.
Biden Continues Speaking during breakfast, lunch and dinner breaks.
The Democratic Party Study group released a study indicating that hard working americans are having a hard time finding work to be hard at work at. “This seems to have something to do with the economy and the business cycle, which is currently in a bust mode, which usually precedes a boom mode, though the last bust was just before this bust, indicating that there is a trend towards busting the boom bust syndrome”, said the center director. “We will continue following this trend and report our further findings as soon as the check clears and the convention ends.”
Excited democrats pointed out that recent polls indicate the president has the lowest approval ratings of any president in history, but also show that a higher percentage of people have no idea who he is. “ Actually, i forgot his name. i thought the other guy was elected but i guess it’s still whatsisname?”
According to several party officials from the character assassination team, Senator McCain was alleged to have said he thought the Missile Screen around Poland was a new Polish joke, but he denied the charge and said he advocated more severe steps be taken against the Russian genocidal attack on the freedom loving innocent people of Ostentatia. “The ostentatious people need our support right now, not after Senator Obama takes office.” Corrected about his error, he said he would cancel his campaign in order to meet with president Sasquatch of Georgia - after his wife distributed beauty aids and foundation cream to Georgian women - to plan a counter attack . When asked where he would advise attacking, the senator said “ it’s one or two of those countries, check with my staff.”
When asked to comment on McCain’s comment, Senator Obama commented “ this is not a time when...uh...we should be divisive or...uh...rattling sabers...this is a time to come together as americans who cherish our god, our families and our freedoms and stand together as never before, with one voice and one viewpoint, that of working middle class multi racial gun owning god loving people united in getting our troops redeployed from Iraq to..uh...Afghanistan”
Biden fed intravenously, continues talking through speeches by Hillary, Bill, Barack, promises to finish before Shadrach Meshac and Appendigo arrive
Hillary repeatedly brings convention audience to its feet, electric shocks sited as cause by republican critics.
An anonymous delegate said “She was just so incredible. I never thought she’d endorse Obama. Weren’t you surprised that she didn't endorse McCain? This is so exciting and unexpected. What next? Who do you think will be nominated for president? Isn't this the most thrilling thing ever, or at least since American Idol? Last week?”
Obama’s acceptance speech brings mass orgasmic reaction
Grief counselors summoned for feminist supporters of Clinton
Obama throngs speak in tongues, freak out, weep tears of joy, experience multiple and repeated orgasms and generally Act Up. “ “This was the greatest speech since Christ’s sermon on the mount, or Marc Anthony’s defense of Caesar, or Bret Favre’s tearful retirement speech, the one last week. I’m so thrilled that i can hardly speak” said Marcel Marceau, one of numerous global supporters of renewed war in Afghanistan.
Biden continued speaking as the convention ended.