Headline News From a Rational Empire

McCain decries Obama's "inexperience," says America needs a "tough leader" who knows how to get shot out of the sky and be captured by the enemy. Obama agrees, promises to spend remaining months of campaign being tortured by Al Qaeda.

Tegucigalpa joins Bolivarian Alternative for the Americas. IMF condemns Venezuela for "meddling in the internal affairs" of Honduras, promises to cut off credit to any country questioning its "freedom and independence" under Washington's control.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez calls on Catholics to embrace socialism in the name of Christ. "'If you love me, feed my sheep'" calls for a life of sharing, not greed," insists Chavez. U.S. Embassy in Caracas expresses regret at Chavez's "mental problems," insists Sermon on the Mount is a blueprint for neo-liberalism. "Christ was the greatest advertising genius in history," said embassy spokesman Max Gaines. "He sold his salvation scheme to millions of people all over the world."

Kidnapping and sale of Guatemalan babies continues to soar. Wall Street praises the "magic of the marketplace" in reconciling supply and demand for the benefit of all.

Center for Science in the Jewish Interest announces that Palestinians have terrorist genes, calls for DNA cleansing in medical concentration camps. Euphoric Elie Wiesel hails new era of "anti-genocide."

Women for a Spineless Majority praise Oprah for praising Obama, shriek ecstatically at Illinois senator's genius for locating Democrats'"political G-spot."

No One Killed in Iraq Today, but Several Die of Old Age Waiting for Democrats' "New Ideas" To Materialize. "I've been waiting since Gary Hart," said 88 year-old Antonio Farkas of Mobile Alabama, moments before suffering a fatal brain hemmorrhage while listening to Obama intone the word "change" 93 times in four minutes.

Obama insists he is "ready to lead," vows to nuke Iran "in three seconds" if mullahs don't endorse Israel's right to run their country. McCain condemns three-second delay as "support for terrorism."

Congressman Tom Tancredo calls for border wall in Hispanic wombs. "With 45 million Hispanics in the country already, we have to stop more illegals before they get here," says the Colorado House member. Asked if such a policy wouldn't constitute genocide, Tancredo replied, "we have to preserve American culture and values."

Prison firm Wackenhut to begin building schools. Steven Cage, Wackenhut CEO, pronounces company's fortress-like designs ideal architecture for America's urban sinkholes. "Rather than send kids to jail when they're 18, we'll build the prison around them when they're five or six. It eliminates one process." Critics decry waste of young lives, urge company to change its name to "Wackenoff."

Gallup poll reveals 76% of Americans reject "handicapped," "crippled," and "differently abled" as labels for people with mental or physical injuries. 98% favor "differently crippled" label be applied to entire U.S. population. Government rejects term as "too accurate," offers tax cuts to people who stop thinking and watch more T.V.

Fecal contamination of U.S. currency traced to Treasury Department report revealing that toilet paper is more valuable than U.S. dollar. Toilet paper stock plunges. Wall Street sues government for unfair competition.

Mass apathy at corporately cloned candidates produces widespread hilarity at claim "this year's election is the most important in history." Organizers pronounce Vote Or Die campaign a bust, call for NRA to take over voter registration drive under new banner: "Vote, or else!" Mass apathy at ObaMcCaina continues.

Supreme Court rejects claim that apartheid public school system is result of "unintelligent design," insists "shit happens" sufficiently accounts for starkly racialized outcomes reminiscent of Jim Crow era.

Press reports that the fact that McCain denies having asserted that Obama's refusal to countenance having affirmed his previous denial of McCain's refutation of his original position on ingrown toenails among bisexual eskimos is evidence that "quality investigative journalism" is alive and well.