Friday, July 16, 2010

From Garlic News: July 2010

Barack Schmulka Obama

Obama changes middle name to convince Jews he is not Muslim

After publicly stating that he feared  his middle name was causing many jews to be suspicious of him as being a muslim , the president has changed it from Hussein to Schmulka.

“ I believe that by taking this ancient and honored Jewish name I can once and for all convince my very few lunatic Jewish detractors who logically feared that I might be a Muslim because of my other hate-speech name which I will no longer use  and will hereafter be referred to as the “H” name, that I am truly devoted to Jews and  Israel, as I have always been since long before this necessary name change.”

“Further,  to convince some of my good lunatic friends on the right that I am not now nor have I ever been a socialist and have a life long dedication to capitalism, my two daughters are having dollar signs tattooed on their arms and I will proudly  wear an American flag pin with a large dollar sign over my heart. I hope that in this spirit of bipartisan citizenship I can help bring Americans together in unity that crosses lines of race, creed , bankroll or intelligence and we can move on to make this country once again a beacon of light in a dimming universe with food for thought for the intellectually hungry and  for people who need to stand up and be proud of what they once were but still are and when the day is done we can all join hands and say free at last free at least thank god almighty and whatever ...”

At this point the president stopped  as the assembled Washington press corps spontaneously broke down into hysterical weeping at this emotional display by this most emotionally spell binding orator in the history of American presidents who engage in spell binding oratory . There were a few laughs coming from the back of the press room, but these were journalists from foreign countries representing the overwhelming majority of the global population,  so who cares?

Tapped Phone  Reveals Secret Conference Call With God

The celebrity gossip  web site SPAMM (Scum, Pus and Mendacious Meretricia) has acquired a tape of what is said to  be a conference call conversation between George Steinbrenner, Lebron James, Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson , Justin Bieber , Ann Coulter and god.

Experts have definitely identified what they believe to possibly be the supposed voices that may well be those of the previously named sort of celebrities, including the predeceased Steinbrenner. But none were able to make a firm case for the rather distant sounding and seemingly coming through an echo voice box amplifier feedback synthesizer cassette player as that of god. The Harvard gossip  and paparazzi specialist professor Pablo von Shtupperman,  said:

“We haven't heard god before so it’s tough to make a clear case for that being his voice but it was very  authoritative sounding  and the instructions given sounded very much like what one would imagine or think  based on whatever prejudiced or small minded kind of person you were about what might have taken place if such a conversation were to have actually happened the way it was played and the way we hope it did because, you know, this is a really big deal.

I mean god didn’t seem to have any idea who Bieber was but called Tiger a good man and  the greatest golfer ever and told Steinbrenner he was a super putz but could still get into heaven, and he said he’d like to boff Ann Coulter but she was definitely going downtown after that. And what was really interesting was how he seemed to just love Mel Gibson for making that film about his son. And he told Lebron to get out of Cleveland, that it was the dumbest town in America with the dumbest team owner. I mean how can you argue with that? Unless you come from Cleveland?

Israel  Accuses the USA of anti-Semitism

Begins Blockade of Both Coasts

The U.S. has threatened to use “ all options” against Iran and since those options include  nuclear weapons the Jewish state claims that this represents a threat to the thousands of jews who live there and have thus far refused to escape to Israel. *

“We cannot let this threat to the existential status of our people go unnoticed and until it changes the language of its defamation of Iran we will prevent anyone from getting in or out of the USA” said Israeli Field Marshal and holocaust survivor Tupperware von Blitzkrieg .

*As have most of the world’s jews.

Gulf Oil Gusher Stopped...Again

For the second, third or twenty fifth time, depending on who does the counting, a plastic solvent of iron based kryptonite derivation has caused the spewing disaster to slow down to only a few thousand gallons a day.

A government oil company press agent said “ this is much like the recession in that you know it shows signs of being over only until you notice signs that it isn't over. Economists, geologists, astronomers and religious fanatics are all in agreement that this is puzzling and while we feel we’re closer to a solution there is also fear that this could be the end of life on planet earth. But that is no reason to lose faith in oil stocks, Wall Street or the other foundations of all that makes life so wonderful.”

Election Year Gambit:

Democrat Judge  Rules Illegal Immigrants Can Run for Office

In a move to maintain control of congress for corporate America  the Democratic party has assured that illegal immigrants will not only be able to vote but also run for high political office.

”This is a great move for our country, for democracy and for sustaining power” said a party spokesperson who appeared on TV with a bag over his head and an audio scrambler making it impossible  to identify his or her voice.

“ But we want our good  friends on the lunatic right to know that if elected, further court rulings will make it impossible for illegals to serve in high public office”

The spokesperson also reassured the business community that this policy would not interfere with continued provision of  the cheap labor provided by illegals which make profit margins possible in an increasingly difficult economic environment.

Late Bulletin:

 ADL accuses liberals who oppose placing the ten commandments
in public buildings of practicing a less than subtle form of anti-Semitism and blood libel.

“Everyone knows those commandments were entrusted to Moses, who was jewish” said ADL lawyer and former Mafia advisor  Guido Pasquale Lieberman

stay tuned for more news that really matters, from sources you can rely on, about things you won’t learn anywhere else...

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