Legalienate’s broadcast division introduces “Lox TV’ with a new season of envelope pushing, barrier stretching, ankle jerking, knee bending and gag inducing Reality Shows designed to bring millions to their feet cheering, stomping, weeping and shopping.
America Has Talk Show Talent !
Are you an alcoholic in recovery? A drug addict in rehab? Depressed over being kidnapped by extraterrestrials who neglected to conduct an anal probe? Reduced to a shrieking rage at the mildest provocation? Given to outbursts of egotistical and obnoxious opinionating? Do Not Despair!
You could have a future as a LOX TV Political Pundit!
LOX TV will conduct workshops on how you can turn your personal defects and mental aberrations into a successful career as a television opinion shaper and national and even international trend setter. Classes begin as soon as we get your check and it clears. Meanwhile, here are some of the exciting new shows that LOX will present this season:
So You Think You Can Think?
Pits america’s most boring and long winded intellectuals from academia and PBS against bikers, texters, pundits and wrestling fans in debate before an audience which has pre-failed every test of logic and reason. Panel of high school dropouts and brain surgeons will decide which debaters are thrown off the stage and into a pit of worms, snakes and gas station toilet filth , or, for the losers, thrown on to the Jersey Shore for the rest of the season
Let’s Burn Some Stuff, Y’all!
Each week books will be burned by thought control agents from churches, synagogues, temples, mosques, corporations and congress. They will select from a library containing the Old and New testaments , the Koran, Indian Vedas, Stephen King and Thomas Crichton novels written since the beginning of the show, Catcher in the Rye, the Communist Manifesto, the Magna Carta , the collected works of Art Linkletter and Mother Theresa, the Julia Childs Cookbook, How I Found Happiness by Marrying My Cat and Greatest Readers Digest Stories of American Mythology .
Go Take A Hike
Contestants will attempt to survive taking long walks in odd places, such as the USA-Mexican border, while carrying sacks of marijuana; the 38th Parallel Korean divide , while armed with visible AK-47s; the front lawn of a Minute Man’s home, in the dead of night while wearing a USA GUBMINT TAX Collector uniform , and other daring and dangerous spots to stroll while entertaining a national tv audience too fat to get up off the couch.Those who succeed will be given a free pass to walk through Disneyland while dressed as Osama Bin Laden and carrying a suitcase labeled “terror bomber - approach with caution".
9/11 Truthiness Hour
Best fantasies of what Really,Truly, Really, Truly happened on 9/11, presented by science fiction writers, sports reporters, gossip web site owners, professors of twitter-ology and other daring and provocative analysts, interpreters and fabricators of reality, with exciting theories ranging from extra terrestrial flying saucer death rays felling the towers to the connections between the crucifixion of Christ, the framing of Mumia Abul Jamar, the assassination of Lincoln and the Chicago White Sox scandal to the twin tower prewiring and upholstering anomalies concept as being caused by divine gas attack - cosmic farting - emanating from Secret Cabal of 19 over eating ethereal illuminati beings who control the universe from a cave in Appalachia.
The Sprawl-Mall-Buy-All Shopping Competition
Contestants have to buy more commodities on credit than anyone can possibly consume or pay for in the average lifetime by convincing their creditors that they will be meeting all their bills before god delivers little green apples , pigs produce low fat burgers , Newt Gingrich develops brains and Barrack Obama develops balls.
R U Dumber Than A Rock?
A panel of intellectuals, philosophers, hair dressers, auto mechanics and professional athletes will challenge garden geodes, pebbles in a stream and rural parking lot gravel over mind boggling questions ranging from the meaning of life to the meaning of American Idle - and winners , chosen by judges from Hollywood, Wall Street, Congress and Fox TV, will reach the final battle against the Rock of Gibraltar, Stonehenge and Pikes Peak. all considered by experts as being among the most intelligent rocks in the world.
Evangelical Lawyers Show: Who Would Jesus Sue?
Common Law Wives of the Mafia Meet Gay Wives of the Castro
Archeology Gossip Finds:
Mary Magdalen and John the Baptist An Item?
Scribes and Pharisees Were Republicans and Democrats?
Who’s To Say?
Why give a damn about anything? See these exciting shows, buy lots of products, eat junk foods, pick your nose - but not while eating - and hope for the best by tuning in to Channel Zero for the LOX TV Fall lineup of really great entertainment!