Solemn Duties To Be Pursued Without Fanfare, Aides Say
Fulfilling one of his more delicate responsibilities, President Barack Obama will perform fellatio on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu during the Democratic Party convention this summer, and not at next year's Super Bowl, as previously reported by Legalienate's intrepid reporters. The change of venue reflects the White House's keen interest in winning the crucially important contest for Jewish money before November, which requires a spectacular media event well before the Super Bowl.
Although the President insists he is an admirer of Netanyahu, and has long desired "a position on the Prime Minister's staff," members of the Washington press corps are secretly referring to the event as "the ultimate sacrifice." Foreign journalists are jokingly calling it the first "head-to-head" talks in the history of the presidency, although purists contend that George Herbert Walker Bush beat Obama to the punch by vomiting in the lap of then Japanese prime minister Kiichi Miyazawa in 1991.
Attempting to defuse Republican charges that he has striven to "delegitimize Israel," the President will begin his preparations this week in a meeting with Monica Lewinsky, where he is expected to broach the subject of "presidential kneepads." Lewinsky's kneepads, currently on exhibit in the National Museum of American History at the Smithsonian Institute, are apparently unavailable to Obama, which, journalists say, should quiet hysteria about the president's allegedly unlimited powers.
Biologists report that Obama's subservience to Israel is similar to submissive behavior in the animal kingdom. Appeasement displays are commonly found in species that are well armed and social, such as carnivores. The ritualistic displays typically incorporate infantile behavior, as when wolves roll over and beg for food, and baboons present their buttocks to the dominant animal prior to copulation. Obama's futile begging for nanosecond "time-outs" in Jewish colonization of Arab land appears to fall into the same category, though it is considered unusual for the stronger party to beg for mercy from the weaker. Experts say that the phenomenon is a variant of the House Negro Syndrome, in which a deracinated black man becomes so identified with his master that he no longer has an independent ego.
Psychologists insist that Obama's clinging helplessness and abject docility in the face of Netanyahu's boundless contempt for him are evidence of such ego-obliteration, with the support and reassurance the tactic offers in an election year serving to compensate for the loss of self. In technical terms it is known as "dependent politics disorder," which is characterized by a craving to subordinate the needs of one's own nation to those of another country, surrendering responsibility for major areas of policy, as in Obama's eagerness to let Israel bomb Iran. The fundamental desire is to be kicked, and then patted on the head for having invited the kick.
The prognosis for those afflicted with the disorder is extremely poor, as masochists craving for acts of increasingly abject subservience tend to seek out psychotic figures to appease and placate. These, in turn, demand increasingly outrageous demonstrations of submission, leading almost inevitably to personal and social catastrophe.