by Michael K. Smith
Legalienation News Bureau
Many European cities that were once a save haven for Jews are inexplicably becoming hotbeds of anti-Semitism. A stream of refugees from countries systematically bombed by Israel are increasingly attacking and cursing Jews for no reason at all. "I was in synagogue minding my own business while making a tax-deductible contribution to Israel when a Syrian refugee started screaming epithets at me," said Yaakov Shapira of Malmo Sweden. "It's getting so a man can't practice his own religion in peace anymore."
More information surfaced this week that the U.S. government is reading American e-mails, monitoring phone calls, cataloging text messages, observing website interactions, and attacking political groups with which it disagrees. Former White House senior adviser Karl Rove enviously applauded the revival of the Nixon Administration's "enemies list," and the GW Bush Administration's "Total Information Awareness" - with no liberal backlash. White House spokesman Dorothy Watson angrily rejected his support, saying, "This is different. We're Democrats."
Inspired by Angelina Jolie's brave decision to undergo double mastectomy to avoid a virtually certain breast cancer, a bi-partisan group of Obama administration officials and Congressional Republicans are flying to Saudi Arabia, where they are scheduled to be beheaded. "We learned that we have a 103% chance of thinking up political idiocy due to funding tendencies beyond our control, so we decided to do the responsible thing," said Secretary of State John Kerry. Al Qaeda immediately called off all terrorist campaigns around the world in favor of selling tickets to the event, which are going for $5 million "a head," or $10 million if Hillary Clinton can be included in the group.
More attacks against NATO soldiers returned from Afghanistan occurred in both London and New York this week. Obama administration officials expressed concern that jihadi groups are apparently unwilling to respect the established contours of the "War on Terror." Said President Obama at week's end: "The entire Muslim world is our battlefield, but U.S. and British cities are off limits. I am deeply offended that enemies we are determined to kill to the last man, woman, and child won't understand that."
Chinese hackers who stole the designs for many of Washington's most sensitive advanced weapons systems have been placed on death row for destroying the Chinese economy. Beijing announced that designs for the F-35 Joint Inter-Galactic Nuclear Strike Force - which turned out to cost $9914 trillion to implement - have crowded out state investment in education, transportation, and medical care for the next fourteen thousand years. However, the government remains confident that riots in Chinese cities in response to the announcement will peter out shortly before then. Meanwhile, Pentagon spokesman George Haroldson disclosed that the incompetents responsible for the cyber-breach have been decorated with medals.
Commencement speakers urging university graduates to "do what you love" were stoned to death across the U.S. this week, as the nation's latest crop of credentialed waitresses and bartenders celebrated their achievement - being collectively $1 trillion in debt. Tony Simpson, graduating senior at the University of Illinois, said that the unexpected attacks were "really enjoyable," but conceded that they were probably "not what the speakers had in mind." One unusual note in the story is that a considerable number of grandparents in attendance joined in the attacks, after it was announced that tens of billions of dollars in college debt is owed by "people in their 80s."
Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, who has urged Japan's seniors to "hurry up and die" to ease Tokyo's budget woes, is calling for a revived "kamikaze" campaign to be led by Japanese elderly against Pyongyang and Beijing. With North Korea improving its ballistic missile capabilities and China threatening Japan's outlying islands, it's time Tokyo considered solving its military and financial problems "at one stroke," the prime minister said. Abe later apologized to the elderly for using the word "stroke."