Monday, October 5, 2015

Campuses Debate Rising Demands for ‘Comfort Animals’

A student suffering extreme depression, anxiety, arrested development and near terminal infantile disorder has claimed the right to bring his comfort pet to his campus quarters at a leading university. His pet is a former hooker, now called an undocumented sex therapist, who provides him  with sexual gratification at moments of intense stress in his life.

"Paying attention in class is very difficult for me, as is taking notes, remembering facts  and trying to look interested during extremely boring lectures" said the student who has been in therapy since his condition was discovered by his parents while he was still a fetus. "Some have jokingly called us internal helicopter parents because we learned about our sensitive, brilliant and very depressed over his great sensitivity and depression son's condition so early, but we wanted to know everything we could as quickly as possible so we could make life easier for him" said the student's father, a licensed psychiatrist and former alcoholic once convicted of pet molesting.

Controversy was introduced when the school was told it's policy of allowing dogs, cats, bats, snakes and other animals as comfort pets would be judged discriminatory if humans could not be included in the category of aids to highly strung , sensitive and progressively spoiled children of professional class parents. When the student in question - nameless because of his age, mental state and looming historic legal case- began having sex with his comfort agent during a sociology of irrelevance class, there was great resentment among other suffering students who demanded the right to  have sex with their comfort animals during class.

The supreme court is expected to act on this case in its next session, after it deals with the issue of pet-human marriage and whether trans-sexual republicans can enter the presidential primary race.