Hollywood came to a grinding shame-faced halt as new charges of sexual abuse were leveled at stars like Angelina Jolie, Holly Berry, Jennifer Lawrence and Helen Mirren.
Not them, actually, but others very much like them.
“She pawed at me, breathed heavily down my neck and whispered off color remarks to me when I delivered her lunch” said the first anonymous accuser. Another claimed that a beautiful star asked him for a rubdown and spit at him when he blushingly refused. Both have been in therapy ever since and resolve to sue for all their mental care and inability to gain employment after these shocking experiences.
A third damaged soul said that he at first thought she was joking when a breathtakingly gorgeous star begged him to lick her feet while she read her mail. His religious teachings forbade any such behavior on his part and he never delivered mail to her or anyone else again, forfeiting a career at the Post Office.
After further investigation, and reading top-secret memos shared between the accusers and the revealing agency which were hacked, leaked or stolen by Russian agents, Legalienate now discounts all these claims. We learned that the SWTMOA, the organization that first made the charges, is Sexual Wishful Thinking Men Of America and might possibly be less than even handed in accepting far-fetched and remotely believable charges.
We are forwarding the results of this story to all major media, beginning with the New York Times and ending with Fox News, in the hope that they might follow through on checking the objectivity of sources before reporting hysterical fables, political lies , treacherous fictions and purposely divisive slanders as :