November 24, 2019
by Michael K. Smith
Legalienate editors Frank Scott and Michael Smith, who declared themselves co-president of the United States in February, today hailed the self-proclaimed presidency of Jeanine Añez in Bolivia as a harbinger of democratic self-determination throughout the world.
"Juan Guaidó in Venezuela was just the beginning," exulted Smith. "On the eve of Thanksgiving, we are deeply grateful to have yet another self-proclaimed president, especially in Bolivia, which suffered the indignity of majority rule for 13 long years, and couldn't have been expected to take it much longer."
"Their long national nightmare is over," added Scott, who observed that Morales's "insane socialism" had sent the country careening disastrously into sustained high economic growth, increased literacy, and sharp reductions in poverty and inequality before rich white Christians restored the natural order of looting and burning homes, teargassing funerals, and firing machine guns into unarmed crowds.
"That is what democracy looks like," said Smith.
Añez's democratic legitimacy is beyond dispute, as her voter support soared to nearly two percent in the
October elections, while her Democratic Unity Party did even better, claiming a massive 4.24% of the vote. The deposed and disgraced Evo Morales could only garner a meager 47%, just ten percent more than his nearest rival. Fortunately, the Organization of American States cried fraud, so the top vote-getter could properly be declared the loser, an increasingly common electoral standard famously celebrated by the United States in 2000 and 2016, though with a much wider margin this time.
Unexpected condolence calls from Al Gore and Hillary Clinton coached Morales on the art of showing grace under pressure. "Just bend over and take it," said Gore, summarizing wisdom learned from his 2000 campaign. "It worked wonders for me."
"Blame everyone but yourself," recommended HRC, who revealed that, though widely detested, she is thinking of running for president on a third party ticket if Bernie Sanders wins the democratic nomination in the United States. "The challenge of our time," said Clinton, "is to prevent a raving lunatic from destroying our democracy." She added that she opposes Donald Trump, too.
President Añez, her smooth diplomatic skills already on display, announced from La Paz that "our power is God," and humbly entered the Bolivian presidential palace toting a huge Bible while tweeting subtly that Bolivian Indian rites were "satanic." Fortunately, Indians only make up a large majority of the population, so no repercussions can be expected.
Many experts object to describing Añez's ascension to the presidency as a coup, insisting that Morales voluntarily resigned his post. Williams Kaliman, head of the Bolivian Armed Forces when Morales quit, insists that he merely suggested the former president step down, either before or after police finished ransacking his house. Kaliman, a
graduate of the United States School of the Americas at Fort Benning,
famous for democratic practices like
mass torture, rape, and murder, said he had "no idea" how people got the idea that force was involved. "I left the matter entirely up to Morales," he said, describing the atmosphere in which the decision was made as "completely calm," except for the unrestrained arson, assault, and looting by democracy-loving police officers.
There is no truth to vulgar Marxist claims that the change in Bolivia's government was motivated by a U.S. desire to gain control of the country's lithium, (70% of the world supply), a crucial metal needed for mass production of electric car batteries. Such conspiracy theories are based on the long discredited notion that private profit has something to do with a market economy dedicated to maximizing private gain.
Bombshell! Trump Era Over As Legalienate's Editors Proclaim Themselves "Rightful Democratic Rulers" of the U.S.
February 23, 2019
by Michael K. Smith
Inspired by Venezuelan opposition leader Juan Guaidó, who proclaimed himself president of Venezuela a month ago, Legalienate
editors Frank Scott and Michael Smith have announced that they are the
legitimate leaders of the United States and have begun performing
executive functions to "restore democracy" and bring the era of
"capitalist usurpation" to an end. At a press conference in a bus
terminal in Richmond, California, the two men took turns swearing each
other in, after which they denied that their action constituted a coup d'etat.
people are with us," said Scott. "We represent the majority: Those that
refuse to vote, plus those who back candidates opposed to the fake
democracy. We are deeply humbled to be the first truly popular
government in U.S. history."
spite of unique and massive advantages, the country is in disastrous
shape, and has been for some time," added Smith. "That alone justifies
regime change - check with Thomas Jefferson."
brief power struggle, Scott emerged as foreign policy czar and Smith
democratic emperor of domestic affairs, although experts warn that
further self-proclamations in the near future may alter this state of
"This is a democracy," said Smith. "Everything belongs to the head of state."
"That's us," observed Scott.
two men immediately began forming their cabinet, giving appointments to
friends and family members with long records of public service
undermining capitalism and imperialism.
Vinnie punctured both his eardrums to avoid the mass slaughter in
Korea," said Scott. "He has trouble listening to advice, or listening to
anything, but at least he knows war is our enemy," said Scott.
"He'll have peace in a week," added Smith.
text message from Kim Jong Un quickly lent credibility to the
prediction: "I'll scuttle the nukes for season tickets to the NBA!!!!"
Reached for comment, newly appointed ambassador to Pyonyang Dennis
Rodman said, "I think that can be arranged."
In order to bring an end to the "pointless wars" Donald Trump promised to terminate but never did, Smith
has frozen U.S. government bank accounts around the world. Newly sworn
in Defense Secretary Tulsi Gabbard, ordered by Scott to "cut the crap"
about Putin, Assad, and other stand-ins for Satan, announced that the
Pentagon will be converted to peaceful production, principally hash
pipes and male birth control.
"Make love, not war," said Gabbard, who served in Iraq in 2005 and saw the worst of it.
spiteful move, Donald Trump has refused to leave the White House, citing
his "democratic" election in November 2016 as justification. But those
elections are widely regarded as fraudulent. "Trump got 46% of the vote
in an election that had 58% turnout," said Scott, "which means he won
less than 27% of the electorate. That's lower than Nicolas Maduro in
Venezuela, who got 31.7% of the electorate there."
just look at the mass demonstrations against Trump," added Smith.
"Overwhelming numbers of women, ethnic minorities, youth, and gay and
transgender people openly dispute his right to rule."
why we have to take over," said Scott, who called upon the armed forces
to cooperate with the transition to people power and "do the right
thing" with ex-president Trump.
"With that hair of his he actually looks good in an orange jumpsuit," said Smith.
Scott face accusations that their calls for international "humanitarian
aid" to help Americans dying of opiode addiction, poisoned drinking
water, and lack of access to medical care, are a Trojan Horse to allow
foreign interests to take over the country.
front for Vladimir Putin," declared Rachel Mad Dog, a popular
television talk show host. "Just because we can't give people clean
water, medical care, a decent wage, or relief from constant despair,
doesn't mean Russian troll farms aren't our biggest problem."