Sunday, November 24, 2019

Legalienate Hails Democratic Coup In Bolivia

November  24, 2019
by Michael K. Smith

Legalienate editors Frank Scott and Michael Smith, who declared themselves co-president of the United States in February, today hailed the self-proclaimed presidency of Jeanine Añez in Bolivia as a harbinger of democratic self-determination throughout the world.

"Juan Guaidó in Venezuela was just the beginning," exulted Smith. "On the eve of Thanksgiving, we are deeply grateful to have yet another self-proclaimed president, especially in Bolivia, which suffered the indignity of majority rule for 13 long years, and couldn't have been expected to take it much longer."

"Their long national nightmare is over," added Scott, who observed that Morales's "insane socialism" had sent the country careening disastrously into sustained high economic growth, increased literacy, and sharp reductions in poverty and inequality before rich white Christians restored the natural order of looting and burning homes, teargassing funerals, and firing machine guns into unarmed crowds.

"That is what democracy looks like," said Smith.

Añez's democratic legitimacy is beyond dispute, as her voter support soared to nearly two percent in the October elections, while her Democratic Unity Party did even better, claiming a massive 4.24% of the vote. The deposed and disgraced Evo Morales could only garner a meager 47%, just ten percent more than his nearest rival. Fortunately, the Organization of American States cried fraud, so the top vote-getter could properly be declared the loser, an increasingly common electoral standard famously celebrated by the United States in 2000 and 2016, though with a much wider margin this time.

Unexpected condolence calls from Al Gore and Hillary Clinton coached Morales on the art of showing grace under pressure. "Just bend over and take it," said Gore, summarizing wisdom learned from his 2000 campaign. "It worked wonders for me."  

"Blame everyone but yourself," recommended HRC, who revealed that, though widely detested, she is thinking of running for president on a third party ticket if Bernie Sanders wins the democratic nomination in the United States. "The challenge of our time," said Clinton, "is to prevent a raving lunatic from destroying our democracy." She added that she opposes Donald Trump, too.

President Añez, her smooth diplomatic skills already on display, announced from La Paz that "our power is God," and humbly entered the Bolivian presidential palace toting a huge Bible while tweeting subtly that Bolivian Indian rites were "satanic." Fortunately, Indians only make up a large majority of the population, so no repercussions can be expected.

Many experts object to describing Añez's ascension to the presidency as a coup, insisting that Morales voluntarily resigned his post. Williams Kaliman, head of the Bolivian Armed Forces when Morales quit, insists that he merely suggested the former president step down, either before or after police finished ransacking his house. Kaliman, a graduate of the United States School of the Americas at Fort Benning, famous for democratic practices like mass torture, rape, and murder, said he had "no idea" how people got the idea that force was involved. "I left the matter entirely up to Morales," he said, describing the atmosphere in which the decision was made as "completely calm," except for the unrestrained arson, assault, and looting by democracy-loving police officers.

There is no truth to vulgar Marxist claims that the change in Bolivia's government was motivated by a U.S. desire to gain control of the country's lithium, (70% of the world supply), a crucial metal needed for mass production of electric car batteries.  Such conspiracy theories are based on the long discredited notion that private profit has something to do with a market economy dedicated to maximizing private gain.  

 Bombshell! Trump Era Over As Legalienate's Editors Proclaim Themselves "Rightful Democratic Rulers" of the U.S.

February 23, 2019
by Michael K. Smith

Inspired by Venezuelan opposition leader Juan Guaidó, who proclaimed himself president of Venezuela a month ago, Legalienate editors Frank Scott and Michael Smith have announced that they are the legitimate leaders of the United States and have begun performing executive functions to "restore democracy" and bring the era of "capitalist usurpation" to an end. At a press conference in a bus terminal in Richmond, California, the two men took turns swearing each other in, after which they denied that their action constituted a coup d'etat.

"The people are with us," said Scott. "We represent the majority: Those that refuse to vote, plus those who back candidates opposed to the fake democracy. We are deeply humbled to be the first truly popular government in U.S. history."

"In spite of unique and massive advantages, the country is in disastrous shape, and has been for some time," added Smith. "That alone justifies regime change - check with Thomas Jefferson."

After a brief power struggle, Scott emerged as foreign policy czar and Smith democratic emperor of domestic affairs, although experts warn that further self-proclamations in the near future may alter this state of affairs.

"This is a democracy," said Smith. "Everything belongs to the head of state." 

"That's us," observed Scott.

The two men immediately began forming their cabinet, giving appointments to friends and family members with long records of public service undermining capitalism and imperialism.

"My cousin Vinnie punctured both his eardrums to avoid the mass slaughter in Korea," said Scott. "He has trouble listening to advice, or listening to anything, but at least he knows war is our enemy," said Scott. 

"He'll have peace in a week," added Smith. 

An urgent text message from Kim Jong Un quickly lent credibility to the prediction: "I'll scuttle the nukes for season tickets to the NBA!!!!" Reached for comment, newly appointed ambassador to Pyonyang Dennis Rodman said, "I think that can be arranged."

In order to bring an end to the "pointless wars" Donald Trump promised to terminate but never did, Smith has frozen U.S. government bank accounts around the world.  Newly sworn in Defense Secretary Tulsi Gabbard, ordered by Scott to "cut the crap" about Putin, Assad, and other stand-ins for Satan, announced that the Pentagon will be converted to peaceful production, principally hash pipes and male birth control.

"Make love, not war," said Gabbard, who served in Iraq in 2005 and saw the worst of it. 

In a spiteful move, Donald Trump has refused to leave the White House, citing his "democratic" election in November 2016 as justification. But those elections are widely regarded as fraudulent. "Trump got 46% of the vote in an election that had 58% turnout," said Scott, "which means he won less than 27% of the electorate. That's lower than Nicolas Maduro in Venezuela, who got 31.7% of the electorate there."

"And just look at the mass demonstrations against Trump," added Smith. "Overwhelming numbers of women, ethnic minorities, youth, and gay and transgender people openly dispute his right to rule."

"That's why we have to take over," said Scott, who called upon the armed forces to cooperate with the transition to people power and "do the right thing" with ex-president Trump.

"With that hair of his he actually looks good in an orange jumpsuit," said Smith.

Smith and Scott face accusations that their calls for international "humanitarian aid" to help Americans dying of opiode addiction, poisoned drinking water, and lack of access to medical care, are a Trojan Horse to allow foreign interests to take over the country.

"They're a front for Vladimir Putin," declared Rachel Mad Dog, a popular television talk show host. "Just because we can't give people clean water, medical care, a decent wage, or relief from constant despair, doesn't mean Russian troll farms aren't our biggest problem."









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