NFL, NBA Teams Enter Crowded Democratic Party Primary
Facing seasons promising little if any success, the New York
Giants of the NFL and the Golden State Warriors of the NBA announced their
teams entering the party primary as offering them much better chances of political
rather than athletic good fortune.
“We haven’t got a chance at playing .500 let alone making
the playoffs, but along with Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and Tulsi
Gabbard, we think we can offer America diverse leadership and a chance to
defeat Trump next year” said a spokesperson for the Giants. “Our team is
composed of all skin tones, ethnicities and faiths, our administrators and
staff number many women, we’re all college graduates who’ve paid our student
loans, and though many of our male homosexuals are still in the closet we’re
assured the male gay vote since we all regularly get naked and take showers together.
We’ll be an electoral force to be reckoned with, for sure.”
A Golden State spokesperson claimed that even with most of
their players unknown to the overwhelming majority of the population they still
offered more name recognition than most of the other Democrats running for the
nomination. “ We can’t even spell let alone pronounce one of these guys names
and we’re all as educated as any other college graduate in congress, on Wall
Street or in organized crime, which is what some of us call congress and Wall
Street”
When asked what they would do about important issues like
health care for all, war and peace, the Giants said they would disband the
armed forces and use all that money to take better care of Americans while
offering to block, tackle or otherwise beat the crap out of any country that
gave us any trouble. “Right now most of the trouble we see comes from America
so we might have to kick some local ass, but when people see how big, strong
and tough we are there probably wont be any trouble from terrorists at the Pentagon
or street criminals or whatever.”
The Warriors claimed that their great height advantage over
most of the nation and the world would afford them great opportunities to act
as visionaries and make some of the changes needed to bring about a more
harmonious and peaceful world. “We can see beyond the horizon while most politicians
can only see the next paycheck from corporate America, the Pentagon and the
Israeli lobby. We’re also employed by rich people and are rather wealthy
ourselves but since we have to run around in our underwear in front of thousands
while making athletic moves beyond the capacity of most humans, we understand
hard work. That’s more than can be said for our rich rulers.”
Sanders, Warren and Gabbard welcomed both teams entry into
the campaign and said they would offer interesting participation in the debates
but since being teams from the east and west coast it might be better for some
teams from Middle America to enter the primary as well. “Cincinnati and Detroit
aren’t doing so well so maybe they can be urged to toss their collective jock
straps into the fray and give the party and the nation even greater balance.”
Democratic Party financial owners are said to be in a state
of shock at candidates calling for relief from the anti-social economics they
favor and support for socially conscious democracy and against inequality and war.
Rumors on social media, tweets for twits and memes for morons claim they are
thinking of starting a new party if these athletes follow through on their
threat. The athlete’s representatives urge them to call it “ The Neo-Liberal
Worship of the Rich Party”. This would be in contrast to the Neo-Conservative
Worship of the Rich Party currently calling itself Republican.
Stay Tuned
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