Bulletins From The Garlic

Feminists Call For Male Brain Probes

After the demand for vaginal probes for women seeking abortion, a feminist group has demanded brain probes for all men entering political life.

Spokesperson Dutch Hillary said “They should be assessed for sanity, intelligence and morality. This can best be achieved by using a test which measures male brain capacity by sticking four knitting needles, one in each ear and each nostril of the man,  and if he vomits or pukes, he is deemed possessor of a brain. If he bleeds to death, well wadda ya gonna do.”

Ultrasound testing can also prove whether or not a brain exists between the ears of a penis bearing person. “ You simply send an electronic blast into his head, something about a hundred times louder than the worst heavy metal band. If his head explodes, he is suitable for menial work and politics. If it doesn’t, he can marry any man he likes, as long as that man also passes this test and they only adopt same sex babies.”

Afghans Burn American Flag, Obama Calls For Nuclear Attack

American citizens of all races, creeds, ethnicities and sexual choices united behind the president in backing nuclear attack on Afghanistan after the horrendous, sacrilegious burning of an American flag by an Afghan Taliban Burning Man terrorist.

“That flag is a symbol of all we Americans hold sacred. Our malls, our pets, our families, our weapons, our cosmetics, the substance of our democracy and the trillions of dollars in debt that make them all possible. We will not stand for the desecration of a symbol so valuable even homeless people, prisoners, the disabled and the insane in and out of commerce are united in calling for vengeance, said Secretary of State Clinton. Congress, the Supreme Court, Wal-Mart’s, Nordstrom and AIPAC all joined in a call for bloody judeo Christian retribution.

AIPAC Convention Accepts Dramatic Obama Offer

He will kiss Netanyahu’s butt before and after making his speech lauding Israeli democracy and disregarding the Palestinian people. Republican candidates have demanded an opportunity to bury their faces in Netanyahu’s crotch before the president ends his obsequious kissing for currency. Abe Foxman says they should wait until after the president’s passionate moment but while Romney agrees Santorum and Gingrich wish to express their biblical and financial devotion right after Netanyahu enters the convention center.