Head Lines

Bush Endorsement of McCain Called “Kiss of Death”

Mafia sues for copyright infringement, claims no kiss accompanied endorsement, so it wasn’t a real Kiss of Death

Anti-Italian McCain supporters say a kiss might have offended anti gay supporters of president and led to anti McCain votes in November

Bush says he could have tongue kissed McCain, spent the night with him at the Hi Ho Motel and , given the woefully inept opposition of Democrats, it still wouldn’t make any difference in November

Gay lobby urges Kiss, will withhold support until Bush follows through

Ahmadinejad warmly received in Iraq
Bush unable to attend ceremony
“Those Iraqis love him so much we’d have to surround him with even more bodyguards than McCain had when he visited” said a retired agent whose pension had just been dropped due to prime rate mortgage losses.

More than 1% of Americans in jail or prison, more than any other nation
Government boasts that nearly 99% are not in the slam, so there

Colombian puppet accuses Chavez of Genocide
Most Overused Word finally removed from vocabulary of people with ability to think
Politicians and major media will continue calling every hint of violence anywhere a case of genocide

Child accuses mother of Hate Crime for grounding him during Spring Break
Supreme Court to hear case, right after more important Gay marriage, privacy protection and price of chopped liver decisions

3 AM phone call ad backfires for Hillary

Millions ask” does she know where her husband is?”

Campaign counters with new add, featuring sleazy, swarthy looking drug dealer hanging out near school yard and asking “ any of you innocent white kids seen Obama ? I’ve got his heroin, cocaine, marijuana and meth supply for this week.”

Oil Prices rising almost daily

U.S. asks OPEC for some help

OPEC says “Drop Dead”

Obama calls for change in expectation of experience necessary for top job

“I’m as experienced a friend of Israel as any other candidate. What more experience is necessary? And i promise not to change our relationship one bit.”

Foxman of ADL says” we’re still suspicious of Obama’s involvement with the anti-Semite Farakahn, his extremist Christian Pastor’s influence on his philosophy, and his wife, who has not yet publicly repudiated his youthful antisemitic drug taking .”

Economy continues to approach, recede from, arrive at or sink lower into Recession

Economists cite goat blood and ashes mix revealing that things will soon get better, may get worse before that, then get better, then get worse, then better, then worse, until more goat blood and ashes are supplied

New Products offered to bring consumers back to the Mall

Used food to be sold at several Fast - Junk - Convenience - Comfort - Health food outlets.

74 year old Management Trainee at Quickee Bite Burger Chomp Salad Bar says “We noticed people coming in and eating leftovers that hadn’t been cleaned off the tables yet, and they weren’t paying. So, what the hell, you know?”

Wall Street sees immediate rise in fast food stocks, but attendant drop in garbage removal futures...

For the full story behind these headlines, consult local main stream media...

sure.