Bulletin!...Bulletin!

ROVE SIGNS ON AS DIRECTOR FOR CLINTON CAMPAIGN

DLC hails "foremost genius in American political life," predicts Hillary victory in '08

Congressional Black, Women and Latino caucuses express shock,
indignation, then renewed support for campaigning a millimeter to the left of the Right

Hillary renounces "it takes a village to raise a child" in favor of "it takes a villain to raise a monster"

Bill proposes tax breaks for those who "work hard and play by Rove's rules," says demonization of Rove rewards Osama bin Laden

Rove praises Clinton couple’s skill at selling Republicanism to people who believe they are liberal but really support totalitarian elitism . . . calling for "a clean campaign," denies connection to rumors that Osama and Obama are brothers

This brief exclusive interview was acquired by Legalienate's intrepid reporter:

Legalienate: What provoked you to make such a stunning and unpredictable move?

Clinton: I believe his obsession with my campaign was a sign of his deep rooted support, and my feminist background enabled me to correctly interpret his real motivations. Also, I believe his mildly ruthless campaign strategies would be the best way of not only taking the nomination, but the presidency itself.

Legalienate: And you, Mr. Rove?

Rove: I always thought Hillary supplied the firmness behind Bill’s more flaccid public persona and that she would make a much better, more ballsy, if you will, president, than he or any of our past leaders. No pun intended.

Legalienate: Including Bush?

Rove: Most especially. He has a lot of empty space between his ears, and between his thighs for that matter. This nation needs a strong, macho leader who can disarm more sensitive types by appealing to chick flick emotions while carrying out murderous policies. I think Hillary fills that Bill, so to speak. Pun intended.

Legalienate: How can you recover those on both sides who seem to be displeased with what many consider this shocking move?

Clinton: There's nothing shocking here. This is politics. You raise the money to hire the best people, and Karl is clearly the best that money can buy at what he does; correctly and properly arranging for the most careful destruction of adversaries, whether foreign countries or political opponents.

Rove: Indeed, as proven by Iraq and John Kerry and that global warming guy.

Legalienate: Al Gore?

Rove: That's him.

Opponents of the move immediately cited anonymous stories being circulated about John Edwards homosexual past and Barack Obama’s wife beating as evidence that the campaign would embrace even lower tactics than usual.

“We won't be having the high toned debates and policy discussions, in which Democrats compare ways to oppose the war while prolonging its funding, now that this unprincipled political demon has taken control of our only feminist candidate,” said a spokesperson for long time Clinton supporters, the NAOWWDTSTTMDOIBCO (National Association of Women Who Do The Same Things That Men Do Only In Better Coordinated Outfits).

On the other hand, T.V. broadcasters appear to be delighted. A spokesman for Male Executives Distorting Information Anonymously (MEDIA) says that gutter politics deliver the best ratings:
"Actually, we're hoping the law will be amended so Schwarzenegger can go up against Hillary. Her cleavage and his groping reputation would really be hot, and campaign posters showing Arnie dunking Hillary face-first in the toilet bowl while she kicks him in the nuts with steel-toed feminazi boots would sell like hotcakes."

Stay tuned as we closely follow this and other stories of our democracy in action