LATE BREAKING BULLETINS

DEMOCRATS TO CAUCUS IN PUBLIC TOILETS...

In a show of solidarity with the LGBT (Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transvestite) movement, Democratic leaders called for all party caucuses at the 2008 convention to be held in public toilets

BEST FINANCED DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES for president establish controversial positions...

All three express support for gays, heteros, blacks, whites, latinos, native americans and disabled minorities, with carefully nuanced praise for silent majorities that help make us a great and unified nation...

TOP DOZEN OR SO REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES claim respect for individual rights above all, especially individuals in top 1% of American wealth, who deserve more respect for being so rich...

FRED THOMPSON announces faith in god, praise for the family, adoration of the free market, mesmerizes audiences to sleep without use of drugs, then promises to drop out of campaign and go back to professional, um, acting...

GIULIANI REMINDS EVERYONE that unlike most of the other candidates, he was in New York when 911 happened, and is therefore best qualified to, uh, be president of the United States

FED LOWERS RATE to Historic negative .5% ...

Bold move hoped to greatly spur economy, vastly increase borrowing, end fears of economic collapse, and bring troops home from Iraq by 2024

DEMOCRATS IMMEDIATELY EXPRESS SUPPORT for troops and economy, as Clinton, Edwards and Obama offer to take out campaign loans of one billion dollars each to help boost borrowing, and invite troops to their homes for dinner when war is finally over...

but not all the troops, only a select few chosen by lottery...

but from all ethnic, racial, religious and life style choices...

but none who are from gay life style choice and who are married to other gay life style choice persons...

but all troops of all persuasions, single or married, will be allowed in the lottery...

but no gay troops who are married to other gay persons can win, though they have equal rights to enter...

See Democratic party platform for complete explanation of lottery rules and other nuanced, thoughtful, contradictory and otherwise confusing positions.

NEW INDEPENDENT PARTY announces presidential ticket of Brittany Spears and O.J. Simpson, claiming people find them much more newsworthy than whatsername and whatsisname of the other parties.

POLLS SHOW men find Spears more popular than Hillary, O.J. with strong support from blacks and retired athletes, ticket a real threat in major media markets...

OPRAH INVITES SPEARS AND OJ to her show, but remains faithful to Obama, or Clinton, or Edwards , until ratings are clear...

HILLARY URGES PAPPARAZZI to follow her around with the same urgency that Spears seems to invite, claiming her own personal scandals have been far more globally important than those of “this little tart”, then says “ Oops, i did it again”...

GOSSIP columns fill with new items linking mainstream candidates with down stream independent ticket

BILL CLINTON insists he never had sex with BRITTANY;

O.J. still says he’s innocent of any and all crimes and has never met HILLARY;

BRITTANY loves being a mother and says she doesn't know who BILL CLINTON is, asks “was he with the Funkadelics?”

OBAMA says he never supported OJ but his kids love Brittany’s records

EDWARDS says he identifies with common people because his father once had a job

NEW FRENCH LEADER THREATENS WAR with Iran over non existent nuclear weapons, and war with USA over existent butchery of french fries committed by American fast food outlets...

BUSH TELLS FRANCE "BRING IT ON", is then led to quiet room in the basement of the White House where aids say he will rest until Israel Lobby starts the next war...

DEMOCRATS IMMEDIATELY EXPRESS CONTINUED SUPPORT for the Israeli Lobby and our troops, wherever they may next be sent...

stay tuned...