Obama Apologizes For Murders, Commends Killer For Not Urinating On Victims

President Obama phoned his condolences to Afghanistan but pointed out that the murderer of sixteen innocent victims had not urinated on any of them. "Plainly, civilized treatment of the dead should not blind us to the fact that a horrible crime was committed, but how many other nations would breed homicidal soldiers who could exercise such self control?" he asked the shocked Afghani president who was heard to mutter " death to the dumb half white cracker" under his breath.