Wikileaks Cables Reveal Harrowing Future of Identity Politics

"Diversity" Governments Likely to Yield Human Extinction, CIA Fears

by Michael K. Smith

Legalienation News Bureau

A series of wikileaks cables only recently inspected by scholars reveals a frightening future under the rule of "diversity" governments in the United States.

According to CIA analysts a series of "first ever" presidents will carry out increasingly destructive policies culminating in world-wide social collapse, which will be described by the fiercely independent U.S. media as "the birth pangs of utopia."

The first Latino president - chosen from the Cuban mafia in Miami - will drop atomic bombs on the 21st century socialist states of South America and achieve record sales of Cuban cigars on Wall Street in the aftermath.  Colombian death squads will take over governing duties on the continent, which Washington will praise as "Tough Love Democracy," while clouds of radioactive debris circle the world.

The first Asian president will declare Hiroshima and Nagasaki sacred sites, occupy North Korea, and radically devalue the Chinese Yuan by forcing Beijing to adopt the dollar as the national currency.  Domestically, he will ban the term "nip," leading to billions of dollars of losses to the catnip industry, and mass arrests of racists who insist on describing cold weather as "nippy."  He will also demand tougher quotas for affirmative action policies in order to keep white males competitive on the world stage.

The first Indian president will assassinate Bolivian president Evo Morales and dispatch coca-chewing Bolivian farmers to gas chambers donated by Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial in Jerusalem.  

The first woman president will achieve gender parity through a series of "free trade" agreements reducing wages to a national average of $2 an hour for women and men alike.  Gender reassignment surgery will be free, leading to the country's first "ex-male" president, who will also be the nation's first combination president-First Lady.

The first Arab presidency will coincide with the opening of mass commercial space flight.  Palestinian Arabs will be given free and compulsory flights to colonies on Pluto, where they will live permanently. Israel's birthday will replace Martin Luther King Day in the national calendar, and will be celebrated with televised executions from Guantanamo presided over by Hillary Clinton.   

Though much yearned for, the first Jewish president will prove impossible to achieve as prospective Jewish candidates will refuse to "take a demotion" by becoming president.