Imagine This:

 Armed Tea Party militias attack government facilities in several American cities, threaten to deport the president and abolish congress, and claim a new day for democracy. What would be the reaction from our corporate government and media? Great praise for the second amendment and the right of the people to bear arms and overthrow the government? Organized passive and non-violent resistance by the military involving prayer, meditation and chanting to disarm the rebels? Yes, if we believe in the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and a free market. Yet, the reaction of mind management here has been that the Libyan government response to armed assaults on its power is somehow unthinkable to civilized people, subject to revulsion by all citizens of nuclear weapons armed nations, and an excuse to add to the death tolls by having America and its servant NATO powers get involved. In the cause of humanitarian justice achieved by murdering, of course.

Unconfirmed reports mostly from the rebellious Libyan groups claim air attacks and threats of genocide – the “g” word comes up almost every time anyone dies violently, anywhere – are repeated and embellished with charges of war crimes and threats to civilization. These near hysterical charges approach those hurled at Iran, regularly said to be planning to wipe out Israel, Jews, America, McDonalds, Christianity, puppies, kittens and all our shopping malls.

And this while our states and municipalities continue cutting public budgets on behalf of private wealth and corporate finance, and military expenditures and warfare increase even as surreality TV news reports tell us of alleged budget cuts, to take place at some future date.

And we are supposed to believe the leadership of Libya is insane?

Khadaffi may well have lost contact with reality in the often-quoted way that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. But his alleged mental illness, commonly addressed by government officials here whose own sanity should be seriously questioned and whose ravings a public under continuous mental assault accepts, contrasts with the material status of the Libyan people. That not only compares favorably with most of the developed world but also is actually better than that of a majority of the world’s nations. There clearly are people, groups and elements in Libya tired of his rule and desirous of significant change, but exactly who are they and what is their economic and political base? Are there any foreigners involved, as in many of the color-coded “revolutions” assisted if not organized by outside infiltration to bring about governments more acceptable to “the international community”, a collection of national lap dogs and corporate financed NGOs controlled by the USA and Israel?

Such questions need to be asked before we rush into even more stupid, if not totally insane actions that support a global system which may be in process of breaking down naturally, if unnatural acts by perverse rulers can be controlled by democratic action of the people. While steps in that direction have begun speeding up in the Arab world, Europe and even in the USA, this present threat of backsliding could become a menacing blowback to what began as a very positive program for humanity, and not just the Arab world.

The urge for democratic rule of the people, even if still at a primitive level of organization, is an unmistakable emotional, spiritual and physical force in the world. Given the rapid changes taking place, many of them possibly beyond the understanding of the groups undertaking them, the rule that has brought us to this point is desperate and approaching a madness that makes Khadaffi look benign, progressive and harmless by comparison. Those nuclear-powered world “leaders” are near desperation and cannot be counted on to act rationally, as evidence clearly indicates. What are people to do when the information they rely on comes from the very sources striving to maintain the crippled, failing system?

Be very careful, wary and suspicious of all authority and what it tells us, remembering that its main duty is to maintain the status quo in substance even while changing the style in which it operates – see Obama and company - and be very critical of what alleged opposition to that authority tells us, too.

email: frankscott@comcast.net



News From Lox TV

Iran plans to rape all women and kill all Jews!

New revelations from an Iranian dissident code-named “screwball” reveal shocking plans on the part of that fiendish nation. The former New York hot dog vendor claims he sold one (with mustard and sauerkraut) to an Iranian agent who told him the true story of Islamic fundamentalist plans to take over churches, synagogues and mosques and turn them into falafel stands and sex orgy headquarters. There, women would be sliced and diced after being ravaged by horny Muslims, then sold to unsuspecting Americans as tasty middle eastern treats. The White House, CIA, FBI, congress and the judiciary all found “screwball’s” stories to be based on sound and solid factually verifiable information. “He’s no curveball type of guy, this is legitimate. The fact that he was wearing a propeller beanie and picking his nose while talking to us is no indication that his information is anything but based on sound story telling skills. We should attack Iran immediately, before Israel has to waste all its nukes” said Obama spokesperson, Moishe Giveashitz.

New program for Instant Citizenship

Inspired by the leadership of the president and supportive of America’s desperate search for cheaper labor, a new program of bipartisan Obamanomics will enable immigrants who enter the country illegally to become immediate citizens and begin shopping at upscale Nordmart or downscale Wallstrom stores using new “Welcome Wetback” cards issued by a private non-profit organization dedicated to democratic capitalism and humanitarian usury.

“These newcomers will be able to go into debt as soon as they enter our glorious mall, er, nation, and thereby become equal participants in the patriotic drive to mortgage our future to corporate capital.” said a representative of Yes We Can Buy Now and Maybe Pay Later, a private non-profit formed by the Wall Street triad of Goldwoman Sachs, Bank of Americus and La Raza del Dinero.

Having already replaced much government activity with privately focused and more marketable commodities, the firm will next sponsor a program to offer medical degrees to functional illiterates and former war criminals in order to bring the wages paid to surgeons down to five dollars an hour.

“We will finally solve America’s crisis in health care by making it affordable to all.” said group spokesperson, Dr. Consuelo Mishigass.

Twits Won’t Have to Tweet Anymore

AmaZoogle, universal leader in new uses of the Internet through marketing other people’s ideas, and following its genius twelve-year-old multi billionaire owner, has created a new social networking service. The system, called Litter, will allow pouting, whining, kvetching and verbal threatening via instant complaints of no more than 20 words. These will be transmitted at previously unavailable speeds with use of the new IGD system (Internet Garbage Disposal) which allows venting and ridding of boring or otherwise uninteresting viewpoints, opinions, gripes, attitudes and desperately meaningless outrage in a fashion much quicker, more pointless and with greater energy conservation than any that has existed before.

“Tweeting will become outmoded about thirty seconds after this hits the ozone, or the cloud, or whatever it is our lab nerds call it, ” said company CEO and billionaire copycat, Pilfer K. Crapowitz.

New Lox TV Asian market philosopher debuts.

Overweight bodies and undernourished minds will savor the eastern wisdom and cuisine ads of Lox TV’s new advice personality, Confuse-Us.

The philosopher chef and martial arts expert, mysteriously imported by Lox TV either from Tibet, Mongolia or San Francisco’s Chinatown, will prognosticate on the same subjects covered by other Lox analysts who reside at mental health crisis centers, but with one major difference. His perspective promises more wisdom for consumption by the growing Asian-American market, said to represent the most highly educated and lowly respected in the nation.

Confuse-Us will finally offer an antidote to the cheap, trivial and derisive characters of Asian people perpetuated by main stream media, with ponderous and probing perspectives offered on subjects as varied as the price of new cars, the waistlines of young women or comparisons between brown and white rice, to the meaning of meaning and the possibility of war with Tibet, Mongolia or San Francisco’s Chinatown. A Lox TV biracial multicultural transsexual affirmative action communications and diversity marketing director says “You be sure tune in, even if you no Asian Amelican. We likee you money no matta wha you lookee like”.

Gossip Whistle Blower Makes Shocking Find

Leakywinks claims sordid affair going on between already married Israeli Knesset member and not yet divorced American State Dept. official.

Israelis deny any such relationship, claim more general intimate bonds with total American government with no individual love necessary.

An Israeli spokesperson who lives at the White House said ” why should we need to have love affairs with any specific American leaders when they are all so passionately devoted to us?”

New Demands Made By Falsers

In their continuing battle with Truthers, Falsers have announced a series of support groups to counter those which claim controlled demolition of the twin towers was behind the 911-terror attack.

“We strongly support the continued controlled demolition of the American mind, and while we appreciate the Truthers help in this area, we need to go much further, to the American political economy itself. In that spirit, we offer new self-help, identity and rehab groups to our fellow citizens that can help hasten the day we bring on complete mental, physical and emotional breakdown of the American people and their system.

To that end, we need an ILF to create respect and self esteem for morons (Imbecile Liberation Front), an IAA to enable us to further befriend our neighbors in nature (Insect Adoption Agency)and an AHSR to enable us to even more intimately befriend our pets (Animal Human Sexual Relations). These groups will help us move beyond ridiculous tendencies toward logic, rationality and humanity which threaten to engulf us in a sick malaise of democratic people centered spiritually focused materially based shaping of reality. Just thinking that makes me want to vomit. We need a PLF (pukers liberation front).”

Disclaimer from Legalienate:

We are not saying any of this stuff is true, but we saw it on  Lox TV and therefore it probably  makes as much sense as anything else on TV.

Or in the press.

Or online.

Iran: Getting It Straight

Many Americans who should know better still seem clueless about Iran. It is not U.S. business to foment regime change in Iran, whatever we may think of its rulers and their policies. It is our responsibility to achieve regime change in Washington. With that accomplished the rest of the world would have a real shot at democracy, which under prevailing circumstances it does not because Washington regularly destroys popular rule whenever the occasion presents itself.

It has become fashionable to make appeals to "universal values" as a basis for criticizing the Iranian government (and other anti-Washington governments, too, for that matter). But these self-serving rationales do not wash: George Bush, after all, did the same in justifying his invasion of Iraq.

It may very well be that freedom is a universal aspiration, and there can't be much doubt that personal freedom in the U.S. is far more developed than it is in Iran. But what follows from these facts, if indeed they are facts? That we have the right to judge, condemn, and destroy the Iranian revolution, which retains considerable popular support 32 years after the fact? Certainly not.

In the context of the U.S. overthrowing Iranian democracy, encouraging the Iran-Iraq war, continually threatening to invade and bomb the country, assassinating Iranian cabinet members and a Supreme Court justice, imposing crippling sanctions, blowing up an Iranian civilian airliner and applauding the result, openly insulting the Iranian president on a visit to the U.S., in view of all this, American criticisms of Iran for its "sexist," "homophobic," and "backward" social policies are obnoxiously irrelevant. And given organized Jewry's longstanding efforts to push the U.S. into direct confrontation with Iran, it hardly needs to be said that this is a brand of politics that apartheid Israel truly loves.

For all the good it has done in alleviating personal suffering the LGBT community and its endlessly self-referential "politics" shares a large part of the blame for this attitude. Apparently, the top priority of a country targeted for destruction by Washington and surrounded by its imperial wars should be to immediately grant unrestrained sexual freedom to gays, lesbians, transvestites, and transsexuals. Without complete sexual liberty national sovereignty has no meaning. Sure.

Another factor in the misplaced criticism of Iran may be the contempt for all religion on the part of so many secular social critics. The fact that all prior civilizations grew out of religion, and that the world's first scientific industrial one appears to be leading the human race to extinction, does not seem to bother these people, though it certainly ought to.

The bottom line is that we should develop a real radical politics and stop the ridiculous posturing. Washington has been public enemy number one inside and outside the U.S. for a long time now. Let's achieve regime change there first and leave the discussion of others' shortcomings for later.

Capitalism and Immigration

Numbers USA is one of the less rabid anti-immigration groups, not angrily nationalist, but focused on liberal myths that seek to justify skirting the illegality of mass undocumented immigration. A debunking of this evasion is perfectly justified. One valid point they make is that mass illegal immigration into the U.S. does not, and in fact cannot, alleviate world poverty, as some liberals are prone to claim, and that the real heroes are not those who flee poverty in their home countries, but those who successfully rise above it (the second claim is questionable). Unfortunately, Numbers USA doesn't seem to realize that an individualist solution to poverty is no solution at all, since only a tiny minority are in a position to escape it. In short, Numbers USA's apolitical assumptions leave them with no proper diagnosis of a problem that kills tens of thousands of people every week, still less with any intelligent solution to it.

A rational approach has no reason not to concede that importing one million or two million or even five million immigrants annually into the U.S. will do nothing to end world poverty, though it does alleviate financial distress for many individual families. Obviously, poverty cannot be reduced, much less eliminated, without identifying and rooting out the international structures of impoverishment that sustain intergenerational poverty for billions of people. This, in turn, means that, absent a restructuring of economic relations, illegal immigration flows can only continue, in spite of intense militarization efforts at the U.S.-Mexican border and other forceful measures.

Numbers USA is oblivious to such insights. Its overall take on immigration is politically naive, if not completely apolitical, and therefore cannot lead to constructive solutions. Telling desperate people that they should remain in their countries of origin, where capital has guaranteed that they will slowly starve to death, or fall prey to criminal gangs or government and "private" death squads, is obviously not a constructive suggestion. Unfortunately, the folks at Numbers USA don't even know that capitalism is at the root of the poverty problem.

The only lasting solution to poverty is to abolish capitalism and replace it with a democratic system of allocation and investment that will respond not just to purchasing power, but to voting power. The poor don't have any purchasing power (that's what it means to be poor), so they cannot make a capitalist system respond to their chronically unmet needs. But if economics were no longer treated as though it were somehow unrelated to politics, the poor could make their investment priorities respected at the ballot box. It's pretty obvious they would vote for the only policies that offer them a chance at a decent life: jobs at living wages, environmental clean-up, sustainable development, stable retirement, medical care for all, and so on. If that kind of system prevailed everywhere, the pressure to emigrate would dramatically decline.

But don't expect the folks at Numbers USA to endorse a radically anti-capitalist agenda, no matter how desperately it may be needed. They want to continue with minority control of social investment, and somehow end up with prosperity for everyone.

It can't happen.

See also "Race and Immigration" posted on this blog on October 25, 2010, as well as "Arizona, 'Nazism,' and Immigration Mythology" (May 3, 2010), and "Immigration and Illegality - A Nationalist-Internationalist Exchange," (April 27, 2008)

Seventeen Days That Shook The World

The astonishing Egyptian uprising that toppled Hosni Mubarak in two-and-a-half weeks of immense popular struggle has sent shock waves reverberating throughout the Middle East, putting Washington's imperial clients on notice that their days of impunity are now numbered.

Close to two million flooded into Cairo's Tahir Square. One million assembled in Martyr's Square in Alexandria. 750,000 gathered in downtown Mansoura. A quarter of a million came together in Suez.

Who were they? A cross-section of modern Egypt: Muslims and Christians and Wafds, women and men, young and old. They were internet surfing youth, trade union organizers, the unemployed, students, professionals, parents, children, politicians, party leaders, Imams and priests, judges and lawyers, former military officers and veterans, farmers, taxi drivers, garbage collectors, actors, teachers, artists, poets, movie directors, journalists, and authors. In a word, everyone.

What moved them to take to the streets? Well, for starters, poverty is endemic and thirty percent of the workforce is chronically unemployed. Well-educated college youth with no prospects sit at cafes all day smoking hookahs while the price of a tomato goes up 400% in 24 hours. Corruption is all-pervasive and the necessities of life are allocated by ransom. One has to pay to get clean water, a roof that won't cave in, a crappy car that costs double because of duty taxes, to get one's mail, to pay a bill, to obtain a document, to buy bread, to start a business.

The popular explosion erupted on January 25, "Police Day." Over the next two-and-a-half weeks fed-up crowds surged through the streets, defying curfew, setting up self-governing popular committees, fending off bullets, beatings, and tear gas, and taking back control of their cities from one of the most brutal dictatorships in the Middle East.

Totally uninterested in compromise or half-measures, they insisted that Mubarak and his dictatorship go without preconditions. The building housing his National Democratic Party, in power since 1978, was burned. Downtown Suez was seized by protesters, where two police stations were also put to the torch. Security forces shot uselessly into the protesting crowds while tanks and armored vehicles patrolled streets suddenly under the control of popular committees. F-16s and military helicopters roamed overhead, but the people had lost their fear and could no longer be controlled. A long dormant Article 3 of Egypt's Constitution suddenly sprang to life: "Sovereignty is for the people alone who are the source of authority."

The political earthquake approached a general strike, and was to a great extent the culmination of prolonged labor organization and hundreds of strikes on the part of an army of unionists who have been active for years. The police disappeared early on, while the Egyptian army stood ready to mutiny if ordered to open fire on vast crowds of their fellow Egyptians demanding the ouster of Mubarak's corrupt and murderous regime.

Official Washington responded with characteristic cynicism, rhetorically embracing the "legitimate demands" of the protesters while trying to save its police state client, whether Mubarak resigned or remained. The last thing Washington wanted was to see U.S. arms turned on Egyptian democracy protesters before a TV audience of billions.

Father Obama, known in Egypt as the "black Bush," sallied forth with his customary pile of useless platitudes, saying that Egyptians had a right to protest, and that many were decent middle-class people with legitimate concerns. Unfortunately, vice-president Joe Biden added the absurd claim that Mubarak was not a dictator and should not be made to go, since he was a stalwart ally of Washington and Israel, a supporter of the Middle East "peace process," as well as the "war on terror." In other words, everyone should just shake hands and have a pleasant chat about how to tweak Egypt's basically good government. No mention of Human Rights Watch's report stating that torture was "incredibly entrenched" in the Mubarak administration, nor any admission that Egyptian elections were rigged, that bribery was everywhere and employment nowhere, that Mubarak had run Egypt like a giant prison for 30 years, that he renewed martial law every five years, that he lent crucial assistance to crushing what Israel openly regards as its niggers in Gaza.

The U.S. media were equally clueless, praising the Mubarak regime as Israel's "only Arab ally" (on the pretext that what's good for Israel is good for America) and has abetted "U.S. interests." According to the talking heads, this left Washington "in a bind" because the democratic principles being invoked by militant Egyptians were America's very own, but they were being used in an effort to topple a key U.S. ally. U.S. official judgment being by definition infallible, the perplexing riddle was how Washington could continue having its murderous client without tarnishing its democratic credentials. Naturally, the obvious fact that the U.S.'s operative values are anything but democratic, that they are in fact murderously authoritarian throughout the Middle East, in service to corporate profit and Greater Israel, remained unthinkable for American pundits, though not for the rest of the world.

The problem for Washington is that real democracy leads quickly to an anti-neoliberal, anti-Israel agenda, as austerity economics (juxtaposed to record corporate profits) and forced displacement of Palestine's indigenous Arabs have no moral leg to stand on, and vast populations throughout the world are increasingly aware of it.

From Central Asia to North Africa the winds of change are blowing. In Afghanistan, the graveyard of empires, the U.S. is struggling. In Iraq, it has handed power to the allies of Iran. In Lebanon, Hizbollah is forming a new government after toppling U.S. ally Saad Hariri. In Palestine, Washington's client Mahmoud Abbas and the Palestinian Authority have zero credibility. In Yemen, Jordan, and Algeria, U.S. client governments are barely holding on. In Tunisia, a popular revolt brought down president Zine el-Albidine Ben Ali, America's ally, while touching off the Egyptian rebellion that has just expelled Mubarak.

The beginning of the political isolation of USrael, the roguest state of them all, is finally underway. Do what you can to non-violently help it.

Sources:

Shahid, Anthony, Hezbollah Chooses Lebanon's Next Prime Minister, New York Times, January 24, 2011

Leupp, Gary, The Egyptian Revolution, Counterpunch, January 28-January 30 2011

Davidson, Lawrence, Tunisia, Then Egypt, Why Now? - Counterpunch, January 31, 2011

Soldz, Stephen, The Torture Career of Egypt's New Vice President, Counterpunch, January 31, 2011

Jacobs, Ron, Is the Game Really Over For Mubarak? Counterpunch, January 31, 2011

Ghosh, Pothik, The New Arab Revolts, Counterpunch, January 31, 2011

Kassem, Suzy, Why Egyptians Are Calling Obama the "Black Bush," Counterpunch, February 2, 2011

Abou Jahah, Dyab, On the Barricades, Counterpunch, February 11, 2011

Georgy, Joshua Farouk, The Egyptian Uprising in the American Media, Counterpunch, February 3, 2011

Price, David R., Challenging America's Pharaoh, Counterpunch, February 3, 2011

Al-Amin, Esam, Mubarak's Last Gasps, Counterpunch, February 4-6, 2011

Khan, Liaquat Ali, When the Arab Street Enforces the Constitution," Counterpunch, January 31, 2011

Human Rights Watch, Egypt: Impunity For Torture Fuels Days of Rage, January 31, 2011

Asfour, Lana, In the Wake of the Jasmine Revolution, Counterpunch, February 1, 2011

Al Amin, Esam, The Making of Egypt's Revolution, Counterpunch, February 1, 2011

Cockburn, Alexander, Ain't That Good News! Counterpunch, February 11-February 13, 2011

Flanders, Laura, No Words For Egypt, Mr. President? Counterpunch, January 27, 2011

Kampmark, Binoy, The Revolution Shall Be Tweeted, Counterpunch, January 28-January 30, 2011

Democracy: Humanity's Profit System

My country is the world.

Thomas Paine

Workers of the world, unite.

Karl Marx

Demands for social change are accelerating throughout capital’s global empire. Once limited to armed insurrection, now nations like Bolivia and Venezuela elect governments to replace capitalism with democratically controlled socialism. While their approach is not followed everywhere, more people are demanding democratic power with those demands reaching new peaks in the Middle East.

Recent uprisings in the Arab world may endure short-range attempts at western manipulation, but their long-range outcome is clear to all but the morally disabled. Calls for majority rule are coming from masses of people united in their desire, rather than from elites organizing minority rule and calling it democracy. The USA and Israel will try to control the uncontrollable, but the days of western Zionist rule are numbered. This is not just great news for Arabs or Muslims but for all humanity.

After colonialism officially ended, western domination was maintained over former colonies by governments headed by puppets whose regimes were called democratic as long as they remained under the domain of privately controlled markets and adhered to the dictates of Israel. That minority-dominated system has never been under more pressure as disgusted majorities are crying out “enough is enough”. This global trend may not always be focused on private capital’s anti-democratic control, but that is the core problem which can only be solved by democratic public control of the political economics of all nations. The rise of a previously subjugated population in Egypt heralds a move closer to that solution to humanity’s collective problem.

The commerce of profit and loss has been harshly criticized from as far back as biblical times, when usurious interest and moneychangers in the temple were subjects of moral outrage. That criticism continued through the ages, often muted because many seemed to prosper under the economics of “buy cheap and sell dear”. Those paying dearly got products they might not otherwise have acquired while achieving material comfort and social status in the process. But the commercial religion of global capitalism has reached a crisis point of physical and moral degradation nearing total breakdown.

Capitalism’s problems are isolated as single issues to obscure the flaws of the entire system, the way people are divided into minorities to keep individuals from acting as an organized majority with common interests. But climate change, imperial war, racial supremacy, corporate greed and countless other problems are the result of private control of markets organized to run on those profit and loss economics of ancient origin.

After ages in which this system enriched some at the expense of most but with support from greater numbers led to believe they would soon be included in the minority feast, we have reached an impasse that threatens to include all in a majority famine. Nature itself is in terminal danger under the abuse of the un-natural rush for private profit. And as the group to whom the profits flow gets smaller, the riches they accumulate grow larger.

The world’s richest minority is wealthier than ever as a result of public debt carried by the global majority in an economic casino of waste and war. Billions live in poverty while the working middle shrinks under an attack on capital’s primitive welfare state which takes their jobs and benefits to create still more wealth for the top. Glaring inequality and declining material standards are being experienced in the once affluent west as well as among the nations formerly providing much of its wealth. All over the world people are expressing contempt for the system reducing them to outrageous poverty, denying them democratic representation and burdening them with unpayable debt.

The Internet age has helped people to better communicate and identify common problems, enabling them to form seemingly leaderless groups that react to conditions with greater speed than authority can respond to and subdue. The result of this consciousness raising experience can be seen in global outbreaks of these fast reacting groups, as in Egypt. The Internet is a form of communication never before available, and breathless supporters can sometimes exaggerate its affect. The overwhelming majority of Egyptians who participated in the demonstrations were not even owners of computers. But the newer communications media of internet, cell phones, and cable news – especially Al Jazeera - is helping create groups that connect in the physical and not just electronic world. The historic rise of the Egyptian people was hardly based on the Internet, but it could not have happened without that tool used by an aroused population. As this electronic global web is better understood as a tool for community organizing and not just market commerce, the universal march to democracy will take on even more speed.

Even when the west tries to manipulate movements with its color-coded and outside financed uprisings to assure private capital’s control, the long-range outcome of more democracy can only mean eventual public control. Whether the new movements call themselves democratic, socialist, Islamist or artistic, most of their national economies will ultimately be placed under the control of the state and the state will at long last – and for the first time in history - be controlled by the people.

Social justice will begin when minority domination of political economics is finally brought to its end. Democracy means majority rule and the social sharing of wealth, not the selfish squandering of humanity’s product on a minority of billionaires, most of whom never worked a day in their lives. We are moving closer to realizing that democratic ideal as a global and not just national reality. The Egyptian people and the Arab world are playing a major role in that realization.  

News From The Garlic Bureau

Affirmative Action for Capital Inc.

The multinational conglomerate demands new laws and programs to strengthen divisions among people and insure a future for private profits.

“We need more than the old programs of affirmative action, ethnic studies and other identity reinforcing policies that hyphenate everything and obliterate class differences,” said corporate CEO Fulgencio Duvalier. “Multicultural diversity must include further breakdowns of people into smaller groups, especially those unfortunate commodity segments who suffer as social outcasts and need identification as individuals who can prosper with therapy, drugs, counseling and other products available in the free market.”

The firm says that convicted murderers, spoiled brats, sexual degenerates, socially aberrant personalities and other minorities are important markets that need to be developed. In that spirit the multiculturally diverse Nobel Prize winning private non-profit has announced the formation of support groups for those previously reduced to suffering in silence with no mental or physical help available to them.

“We see the need and we fulfill it, ” said their advertising director, Mother Superior Chan Andalucía Leibowitz.

One new group will offer support to convicted child molesters who have been denied their efforts at adoption, for jobs at child care centers or even as volunteer School Crossing Guards.

“We have so many without jobs that we should be anxious to help the economy by hiring people, no matter what their past experience has been and even if we have to import them. Freedom has its limits, as we all know. You can’t yell “fire” on a fire engine, or something like that. But business is business!”

Lox TV Introduces Reality Show

A family of serial killers will be featured in a new Lox TV reality show. They have been tried for seventeen murders but never convicted. The father of four sons and two daughters is a tri-polar criminal defense lawyer and the mother is a manic depressive schizophrenic social worker. All six of the children suffer from acne, bad breath, persecution complexes and every social disability to have been invented in the past twenty-five years.

The first episode features a confrontation at Thanksgiving dinner when two of the sons try to stab their mother. The father defends their action as he attempts to seduce one of his daughters while the guests, a group of ex-POWS, eat all the turkey before a battle erupts between the Viet Nam and Iraqi veterans. The show was test marketed and received glowing reviews from advertisers.

New Group Demands New Hate Laws

Peter Paul, chair of the radical Smoke Tea Party, has called for laws banning not only hate speech, but boring speech, stupid speech, lisping speech, inarticulate speech, sibilant speech, redundant speech, loud speech, soft speech, repetitious speech and foreign speech.

“What this nation needs more than anything is silence. There’s been too damned much talking and none of it makes any sense, including what I’m saying right now. If we get everyone to shut up by throwing one another in prison and keeping quiet, we’ll have some time to think and maybe then we can pass laws to allow only thoughtful speech and thereby end politics as we know it.”

He apologized for ending a sentence with a preposition when we corrected him and then told us to shut the fuck up.

Clinton Will Move to Chicago to Vote for Emanuel

Former president Bill Clinton defended Rahm Emanuel’s right to run for mayor of Chicago. “ I understand that Rahm holds dual citizenship with Israel and a citizen of our dear friend nation should be able to run for mayor anywhere in America, whether living there or not. I’m ready to move to Chicago to vote for him, and as I have said in the past I will grab a gun and jump into the trenches to defend the Israeli right to run American cities. And I did not inhale, nor did I have sex with that woman, but I support abortion so I’m a feminist. Anybody got Oprah’s phone number?

Obama’s Speech Brings Many To Mindless State of Bliss

Many citizens were once again lifted to the heights, or lowered to the depths depending on their politics and intelligence, by the president’s recent spell binding oratorical splendor. Many democrats, some republicans, quite a few ordinary citizens and formerly employed workers and members of the mainstream media were overcome with emotion that caused them to weep hysterically, achieve multiple orgasms and pass out during the historic state of the union address or recent talk to the chamber of commerce or press conference or whatever by president Barack Obama.

A seasoned observer and famous pundit said “ It wasn’t what he said, because he really didn’t say anything, but the way that he said it that caused me to swoon, wet myself and pass out. It reminded me of all the great orators of our great past, like Martin Luther King, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Flavor Flav and such. Actually, I’m too emotional to speak anymore. I need to write a new column extolling his verbal dexterity and linguistic ability to weave perspicacious cliché with substantial bullshit and have it come out so profoundly full of emptiness.”

stay tuned...