Sunday, September 22, 2013

End of the World News Round-Up

Twenty-one killed in twenty-one gun salute . . .

Hillary Clinton calls for Obama to nuke Syria to "send a message" to Dictator Assad that weapons of mass destruction are intolerable.

Tea Party stages riot on House floor to stave off Obama care, condemns "permissive society" and endorses Sharia law.  Democrats call for multicultural mullahs to build bridge to 7th century.

Congressional Budget Office publishes study confirming that looting bankers provide essential stimulus to advanced economies.  Obama's financial team concurs, issues statement saying that, "no one works harder than those who have lost their savings, homes, and pensions."

Russian President Vladimir Putin condemned for agreeing with American people that war in Syria is inadvisable.  ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN call for "Americans infected with foreign ideas like peace" to be deported to Russia.

Congressional Republicans sift clues as to why security in Benghazi was weak in wake of U.S. overthrow of stable government with highest standard of living in Africa in favor of Al Qaeda fanatics. Grand mystery expected to continue for five more years at least.

Obama agrees to lower minimum wage to $3 an hour if Republicans go along with fifteen-gun limit per household.  Walmart joins campaign, offers to pay employees with shotguns in lieu of wages.

House introduces bill requiring food stamp recipients restrict purchases to "nutritious food."  National supermarket chains condemn bureaucratic meddling by Washington calling for "novelty items."  Fat Pride movement rejects nutritious food initiative as anti-fat people hate campaign.  Junk food sales continue to soar.

AIPAC calls for world peace, demands Obama attack Syria, Iran, Yemen, Somalia, Pakistan, Sudan, and Michigan.  Obama hails "timeless values" U.S. shares with Israel.

Tokyo denies violating international whale ban, says cooked whales are turning up on Japanese beaches due to Fukushima melt-down, which is "under control" and "poses no significant hazard."

Friday, September 20, 2013

Bulletins from The Garlic News Bureau

NSA works to end mass killings committed by disturbed, lonely, alienated and unattended citizens by using electronic eavesdropping technology on mental patients who hear voices. This pre-crisis intervention technology will save lives and make a few bucks while doing so, at least for IT billionaires.

 Asked if such techniques could include listening in on those mentally disabled agents who heard Assad ordering use of chemical weapons agency claims diplomatic immunity for salaried employees of U.S. taxpayers and private firms sucking those same taxpayers dry.

Canada and Mexico to conduct joint inspection of USA’s weapons of mass destruction to supervise their, um,  mass destruction.

Mexico threatens that if there is not complete compliance with the international community’s demands that America rid itself of such weapons it will send tens of millions more immigrants into the country who will have lots of children, form militant labor unions, never learn English and beat the crap out of American soccer teams.

Canada will jam American TV programming with news broadcasts about its public financed health care system and force America to extend care to all those Mexican immigrants if compliance is not verified by the international community.

Finland, Iran and Syria will jointly inspect Israel’s supply of nuclear, chemical and other weapons of mass destruction. Israel charges anti-semitism and potential genocide through globally embargoed chicken fat and forced drinking of extremely flat seltzer.

General Assembly of United Nations reminds USA and Israel that they represent a tiny fraction of the global population and that the general assembly represents six billion people. US and Israel claim anti-semitism, hatred of exceptional nations, discrimination against master races and vow to bring issue to In-Security council.

Mental Health Crisis Centers follow NRA request to issue weapons to any and all who suffer severe inability to differentiate material reality from cosmic broadcast network bulletins about neighbors trying to kill them and Assad trying to gas them.

People in need of mental health support urged by NRA gun lobby to purchase weapons and murder fellow citizens as short-term solutions to their problems.

Private Insurers wait for Obamacare before providing mental health support for all who need it. Not yet profitable enough by comparison to gun sales, burial fees, grief counseling, according to Disaster Industry Council.

Assad charges Obama-Kerry with hearing voices speaking Hebrew that provoke them to commit international mass murder. They charge him with being a moron who is purposely using weapons stated as sanctioning direct U.S. – instead of the usual indirect U.S. – military intervention into Syria’s civil war. Assad hints, diplomatically, that they are slack jawed baboons prolonging war to a great extent started with interventions from the west.

Sweden, India, Brazil and Venezuela agree to test I.Q. of all three. Obama and Kerry refuse testing; accuse Assad of treacherous use of test gas and other nations of anti-semitism, anti-master-racism and not worshipping Martin Luther King’s Dream.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Heart,Head and Ball Breaking Bulletins

Congress Demands Obama Dress According To His Mental State And Wear Propeller Beanie When Pleading For Syria Attack

Kerry Wears Baby Bib to Catch Foam and Drool While Calling For Aluminum Cone Caps To Be Worn by Overwhelming  Majority of Citizens Who Oppose Syria Attack

Feminist Killer Kaucus At State Supports Attacks on Syria, Iran, China, Russia, Brazil, India, Egypt, Zimbabwe, Venezuala, Bolivia and New Jersey and Charges Hate Crime For Being Called Twat-Brains by Congressional Dick-Heads

United Nations Sites France as Major Lapdog, England as Minor Pussycat and Israel as Colossal Knockwurst During Worst USA Regime Posing-As-Mental-Health-Crisis-Center-During-Full-Moon Experience Since Last One

Global Community Laughs, Winces, Cheers, Fears, Gloats and Gulps as Multi-Cultural Affirmative Action Leadership Group In USA Proves All Murderous Morons Are Created Dangerously Equal

Stay Tuned, Take Cover, Watch Out For Drones, and Impeach Them If/When They Appear

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Distortion Unlimited: Syria, Fukushima, and Labor

Political satirists have been driven to despair once again as Nobel peace prize winner Barack Obama prepares to militarily attack his seventh country in less than five years in the name of protecting the world from weapons of mass destruction.  The case for a Syrian sarin gas attack is based almost entirely on Washington insistence, not empirical confirmation, and constitutes the usual self-serving pretext for U.S. imperial war that large sectors of the world are increasingly disgusted by; but Obama is determined to "lead" by submitting to one ridiculous neo-con fantasy of an "evil dictator"after another.  And naturally he overlooks Washington's own long tradition of using weapons of mass destruction, from white phosphorous to depleted uranium to Agent Orange to atomic bombs, and that's just the short list.

The farce is made doubly ridiculous by the effort to assure an imperial-war-weary U.S. public that not a single U.S. soldier will enter the Syrian fray with "boots on the ground," so that American casualties will not grow.  But isn't this an absurdly self-interested preoccupation for the leader of a "humanitarian" intervention to have?  If Assad is truly exterminating civilian populations with poison gas, including children, shouldn't Americans be gladly willing to risk their lives to rid the world of such hideous policies? What cause could be more important?

Washington's reluctance to ask for Americans to sacrifice gives the imperial game away.

The reality is that the American people are highly skeptical of intervening - and justly so - because just a decade ago the neo-cons told us we had to invade Iraq to stop another "evil dictator" (Saddam Hussein) from employing weapons of mass destruction, and it turned out he didn't have any.  Secretary of State John Kerry tries to characterize this skepticism as mere "fatigue" with the costs of war, but in fact it is a response to being continually lied to.  In other words, the American people aren't tired of war, they're tired of being played for suckers.  For the likes of John Kerry the answer to that problem isn't to start telling the truth, it's to tell slicker and more murderous lies.  After a "distinguished" career serving imperial propaganda, he is well up to the task.

The whole ridiculous "debate" about the need to "draw a line in the sand" and defend "the norms of civilization" is sheer adolescent fantasy.  The United States is far and away the world leader in designing, producing, selling, and employing advanced weapons systems that have killed millions of people around the world since the end of WWII, so it has no moral standing to be judging anyone else. And if sincere advocates of civilized conduct want to eliminate the threat of weapons of mass destruction from the world, the first enemy they will have to confront is not Syria, but the United States, especially its bloodthirsty neo-con cabal.

Meanwhile, in Japan the clean-up of the triple-meltdown at Fukushima is finally being taken over by the government - just two-and-a-half years after the radiation-spewing disaster occurred.  The utility TEPCO has proven completely incapable of containing the contamination, and this week it admitted that radiation levels near one leaky plant were 18 times higher than previously indicated -  and sufficient to kill a human being in just four hours.  While pushing to reopen reactors in Japan and sell more of them abroad, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe stated that "a fundamental solution to the problem of contaminated water" (a highly radioactive underground lake could spill into the Pacific Ocean) was to build a mile-long underground wall of ice around the intensely radioactive reactor cores.  Piece of cake.  Keep in mind that it's non-contaminating solar energy that's said to be impractical.

It's high time we phased out nuclear power, which obviously cannot be made safe.  Its waste is not just carcinogenic, but mutagenic, which portends ultimate destruction of the genetic integrity of all species exposed to it.  And the experts in risk assessment - insurance companies - refuse to insure any commercial nuclear plant against the possibility of reactor accident, such as have now famously occurred at Three Mile Island, Chernobyl, and Fukushima, with no doubt more on the way.  The energy that was promised to be "too cheap to meter" has turned out to be too hot to handle - literally.  Let's cut our losses and abolish the industry, not later, but now.

Labor Day has come and gone while the deplorable state of U.S. labor remained unremarked on.  Kevin D. Williamson wrote in that, "The main problem of the poor in the United States is not that they are worked too hard but that they do not work at all."   With all due respect for the problems of unemployment, this is nonsense.  Who does Williamson think is cleaning airplanes, office buildings, homes, and cars?   Who is waiting on people in hotels and restaurants?  Who takes care of pre-school children while their parents are working?  And what wages do these jobs bring?  It takes a minimum of reflection to arrive at the answers, but the propagandists of "free market" fantasy aren't paid to reflect.

The rest of us know that labor works more and more and earns less and less, and neither the Democrats nor the Republicans care.


"The Week," September 13, 2013