Court Declares Gun Marriages Legal
Gun owners were ecstatic at the Supreme Court decision making marriage to a gun a constitutionally guaranteed right. “We’ve been lovers for twenty years now. We’ll finally have the same rights as other married people, with health care and being able to stay in motels together. This is the happiest day of my life” said an AK-47 owner as he lovingly caressed his weapon.
A hand gun owner said she had been in a common law relationship with her pistol for thirty years , but lived in the shadows, never being seen in public with her beloved unless target shooting or menacing a man in a bar. “We can finally be open about our relationship and i couldn’t be happier. I plan to walk down the aisle with his barrel in my mouth.”
Some fundamentalists were not pleased. “Marriage is between a man and a woman. It’s in Deuteronomy Six, or Taxonomy Seven, or one of those biblical chapters ” said a preacher at a demonstration calling for impeachment of the justices who responded to loving pleas from smitten gun lovers. And a lawyer said the second amendment speaks to ownership of , not marriage to, a gun. His organization promised to back new legislation which would make it a crime to publicly fondle or kiss a gun, thereby creating new lawsuit possibilities. “We must protect children from the horrid scenes of folks rushing into city halls erotically clutching their weapons and expressing passionate love for mechanical devices which are not legal sex toys, like vibrators, you know.”
Obama Offers New Re-clarification of War Policy
At a hastily called press and media conference attended by the hastily assembled press and media, Senator Obama offered a hastily assembled explanation of recent explanations:
“Let me clarify my previous re-clarification explaining the change in my policy of change we can believe in to change we can explain through re-clarification as being a product of nuanced reconsideration of constantly changing facts on the ground which may cause pushing the envelope in a more deliberative and thoughtfully constrained and judicious fashion.
When I saidI would end the war during my administration, I did not put a time limit on the time or a time table on the table. If my term is only four years, I cannot guarantee anything until I visit the battlefield and speak to those who know most about killing and terrorizing the people of Iraq. But if I am elected for a second term, I can promise you that I will reconsider any decision made in my first term, and once again, let me be clear that I am against this war, always was, and remain still opposed but believe we must end it properly and not leave any doubts as to whether the oil is ours or not, or whether Israel wants us out or not.
McCain Names Limbaugh as Running Mate
Rush Limbaugh will become John McCain’s running mate in the 2008 election. McCain’s new slogan:
“ I’m John McCain, and I’m Not Insane”
accompanied by his smiley face photo, would be balanced , his professionals believe, by a Limbaugh slogan of :
“ He’s Deaf, but He’s Not Dumb”.
“We need to balance our ticket with slogans that can capture the imagination of the American people, and Limbaugh’s ditto heads are at least as unquestioning in their devotion to him as those change-lings who worship Senator Mugabe, er, Obama” said campaign adviser Karl Rove.
Media paparazzi welcomed the exciting possibilities of repeating everything such colorful characters as the disabled and former drug addict Limbaugh and the dashing war hero captured prisoner with the idiotic grin, McCain had to say, without questioning anything. The Mugabe, er, Obama campaign was still wondering whether to re-clarify their position on whether Hillary or Bill Clinton would join their ticket.
Catholic Priest Converts to Judaism, Becomes Rabbi
A Roman Catholic priest charged with sex crimes by 247 of his past students became a Rabbi and charged his accusers with Anti-Semitism. The Anti-Defamation League immediately came to his defense and promised legal aid to fight against still another in a growing number of anti semitic outrages.
The pope apologized to the accusers, thanked the ADL and was considering converting to Judaism himself. “They get very sympathetic coverage in the press”, he said, ”and we could use more of that. Perhaps the time has come to talk about a merger. After all, our businesses rely on the same foundation and product line.”
New Poll Shows Nader Leading McCain, Trailing McKinney
and Tied with Mugabe, er, Obama
The world renowned British research and polling firm, Make The Check Out To Cash LTD, shows Ralph Nader and Senator Obama tied at 35% with Cynthia McKinney at 36% and John “not insane’ McCain at 23%. A spokesperson with a very high class British accent explained that this early in the race polling tends to ask the same people repeated questions, which can cause several to be counted repeatedly, thus creating more than a 100% response. He said that most of these respondents probably would not vote in the general election, but given the twisted distortions and ridiculous prattle of American media, anything this poll came up with would make as much sense as the election itself.
Nader claimed victory, Mugabe, er Obama asked for a recount, McKinney called for an investigation of the firm, and McCain continued smiling idiotically while saying, “My friends, we are embarked on a race for freedom and some other important stuff, so bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran...hee hee hee”
McCain’s Wife Rushed to Hospital for Makeup Removal
Mrs. McCain suddenly slumped to the ground during a speech by her husband, but initial diagnosis of boredom and weariness at trying to duplicate his frozen grin changed to a more serious case of smothered skin pores. “Her foundation creams were layered on in the double digits and we had to employ a Sanitation Department Scraper device to get her skin opened to the air again. She’ll be okay in a few weeks, but right now she needs rest and constant face washing” said a medical emergency cosmetic technician.
John McCain said his campaign would not skip a beat and, grinning idiotically, claimed he would dedicate the rest of his term in the senate and/or the white house to the memory of his wife’s valiant effort to remain expressionless while standing behind him. “My Friends, she is a trooper. Bomb Bomb Bomb, etc.”