Judge Restores Gay Marriage, Bans Capitalism

Shocking Split Decision Cites State Interest in Equal Rights and "Stable Families"

by Michael K. Smith
Legalienation News Bureau

In a stunning judicial decision that has left California reeling, Vaughan R. Walker struck down the state's ban on gay marriage while simultaneously outlawing capitalism, prompting ecstatic rejoicing among workers, especially gays, and despair among rich people of all sexual orientations. The ruling was the first in history to both support gay marriage and ban capitalism on federal constitutional grounds.

Walker ruled that a California referendum known as Proposition 8, which declared marriage legal only between men and women, violates the Equal Protection Clause of the US Constitution because it discriminates against gay men and lesbians by denying them a right to marry the person of their choice, whereas heterosexual men and women may do so freely.

In a stunning parallel ruling Walker stated that private corporate power also violates the Equal Protection Clause, discriminating against the wage dependent, denying them the right to pursue happiness for the vast majority of their waking hours, whereas the independently wealthy do so around the clock without impediment.

Legal experts say Walker has established a sound factual basis against the curious practice of workers prostituting themselves to planet-spanning conglomerates. Most of the arguments for the legitimacy of capitalism, Walker noted, are about as convincing as proofs of God's existence by those who already believe in Him. These "proofs" boil down to “nothing more than a fear or unarticulated dislike of workers. The evidence shows that, by every available metric, the owners of capital are not better than their working class counterparts, and to some extent are worse. As romantic partners and parents, workers and owners are equal; as citizens, owners are decidedly inferior, owing to their pervasive 'what's in it for me?' cynicism.”

In justifying his ban on wage slavery Judge Walker cited emotionally absent couples, soaring child poverty, and an ever-weakening parent-child bond that has effectively reduced children to orphans of the corporate state. "The policy of requiring both parents to abandon the home for 12 hours a day to sell their labor on the open market, leaving their 'latchkey children' in the hands of economic refugees from the Third World, is an intolerable affront to human dignity," the judge wrote, "and an open invitation to Al Qaeda to migrate to the U.S. where babysitting jobs afford them the opportunity to indoctrinate the next generation of Americans."

Judge Walker went on to point out that no healthy family would ever operate on capitalist principles. "The mother and father don't steal their children's dinner because they are physically stronger and can get away with it," he wrote. "They freely share what they have and experience satisfaction in making the sacrifices that maturity demands, so that household resources can meet the needs of every family member to the maximum extent possible."

Panicked that the California court's decision spells doom for President Obama's "Race to the Top" education initiative, the White House maintained a discreet silence for several hours after the news was announced. In a hastily called press conference, Obama declared that while he unequivocally supports equal rights for gays, he "only believes in marriage between finance capital and the national security state." Meanwhile, in the California race to succeed Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor, the Republican, former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman, was moved to declare her family policy, stating that her religious beliefs compel her to demand a complete divorce between workers and unions. The Democratic candidate, Jerry Brown, quickly twittered that he "categorically" supports more gay prison guards.

Perhaps most surprisingly, Judge Walker used anti-gay arguments stressing the importance of family stability as a platform from which to deliver a knockout blow to the crude apologetics that masquerade as rational argument in support of capitalism. "It is a virtual axiom of capitalist thought that the moral flaws of slavery no longer exist," wrote Walker, "since today's workers, unlike their slave predecessors, are free people making voluntary wage contracts." However, the judge observed, the "denial of rights is merely less extreme under capitalism," where workers "freely" rent their labor to the highest bidder on pain of starvation, while retaining a residual legal personality as "commodity-owners" of their own labor, which awards them the vital freedom to starve at home or follow their employers overseas to compete against the Chinese for entry level jobs. "We need to recognize," wrote Judge Walker, "that American workers freely choose to hand over their jobs to teeming masses in Third World free trade zones the same way robbery victims freely choose to hand over their wallets to their assailants; and the consequences for American families are simply catastrophic."

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greedspan, testifying on behalf of capitalism, denounced Judge Walker as a communist and stated that wage labor was a sacred gift of private capital, the primary purpose of which is to "support rising average incomes." This, he said, "benefits everyone," since "every time Bill Gates makes another billion dollars average incomes rise for all Americans." Under cross examination Greedspan conceded that, “others hold to an alternative and conflicting definition of economic success: ‘a public commitment’ to the principle of, 'from each according to his ability, to each according to his need,' otherwise known as 'Gulag economics,' a perverse ideal which can only eventuate in mass murder."

In the wake of his path-breaking decision marriage proposals poured in to Judge Walker from around the state. Wrote Theodore Killebrew, a construction worker from Glendale, "Now that I'll actually have time to be with the kid, I want to have your baby!" Margaret Anderson of Ukiah sent flowers and a card inscribed with the message, "For firing the bosses - I love you." Jerry Flanders of Redding said simply, "Capitalism makes bloodsuckers of us all."

News of the California decision spread rapidly around the country, prompting caravans of horn-tooting workers to hit the freeways bound for the Golden State. "Vampire economics truly sucks," said a Wall Street hedge fund trader who quit his job to seek a better future as a window washer in California. "When a window breaks, you sweep up the glass; when a speculative bubble bursts, you sweep up people's lives. There's got to be something better than this crabs-in-a-bucket, race-to-the-top nightmare," he added.

Michael K. Smith is the author of "Portraits of Empire" and "The Madness of King George," from Common Courage Press. He co-blogs with Frank Scott at http://legalienate.blogspot.com. He can be reached at proheresy@yahoo.com