Tabloid Cites Growth Potential, Immunity to Libel As Key Factors
Michael K. Smith
Legalienation News Bureau
The U.S. Holocaust Museum and The National Enquirer will merge operations on Elie Wiesel's birthday, a spokesman for the tabloid announced today. Frederick Hoynes, senior sleaze editor for The Enquirer, told the National Press Club that the unprecedented public-private partnership was a "no brainer" given the Holocaust Industry's enormous audience and immunity to prosecution.
"The Holocaust Museum is part of an industry that has limitless cash flow and a permanent lock on mass readership, regardless of profit considerations," said Hoynes. "That's pretty hard to resist."
Hoynes added that libel worries were virtually non-existent in "Shoah business," where distortion and slander are protected political speech. "As you know, we've had our troubles with celebrity lawsuits," said Hoynes, "which has forced us into an unnatural preoccupation with facts. We'd rather not have that burden."
The Enquirer lost a costly lawsuit to comedic actress Carol Burnett in the 1970s, and ever since has been worried that a recurrence could force the newspaper into bankruptcy. The Enquirer's executive board has been deeply impressed by the Holocaust Industry's ability to dispatch critics to jail when they become troublesome. "Our problem," said Hoynes, "is that the public sees the burden of proof as resting with us to substantiate what we say. The exact opposite is the case in the Holocaust Industry, where the burden of proof is on the critics to prove they haven't committed heresy. Frankly, we're quite envious of that!"
The Holocaust Museum appears equally enthusiastic about the merger. Schlomo Eilam, senior engineer of public fantasy at the museum, announced that The Enquirer's impressive record of spreading alarm could help combat growing indifference to the Holocaustification of American Life. "With the death of the generation of eyewitnesses to the Holocaust, it's essential that the public focus on lurid details not die with them," said in an interview with Legalienate's editors last week. Eilam pointed out that The Enquirer's demonstrated success in getting people to believe that a two-headed mother ate her babies for dessert should have little difficulty convincing people that human skin was converted to lampshades and body fat into bars of soap. "Those are the the kind of claims The Enquirer excels at making," added Eilam.
Industry analysts say it is too early to tell how the merger will affect business operations, specifically whether The Enquirer's shoot-from-the-hip fabrications will prevail, or the Holocaust Museum's preference for a more scholarly facade. The difference in style is signficant, says marketing professor Earl Dodson of the University of California at Berkeley. "Whereas the National Enquirer employs fake stupidity, the Holocaust Museum uses the genuine article."
The Enquirer's board of directors was initially skeptical about the merger, Legalienate has learned, fearing the tabloid's reputation would be damaged by the lower standards prevailing in the Holocaust Industry. "We never dreamed of destroying people professionally," says Enquirer attorney Richard Higham. "It just doesn't seem right." "Besides, once you kill the goose that lays the golden eggs, that's the end of your story line and a considerable portion of your cash flow, which defeats the purpose of a tabloid," he added.
Amira Halutz, Director of Public Hysteria at the Holocaust Museum, defended the more aggressive tactics used in her profession. "It's all very well to milk the cash cow of celebrity gossip," she said. "But we're up against deeply perverted racists who hatefully demand facts and logic on a constant basis. So we don't mind The Enquirer's bottom-feeding approach to news-gathering, so long as they come up with something useful. At the end of the day, nobody remembers the mud-slinging, only whether or not something stuck."