Physicist Stephen Hawking baffled by Donald Trump’s rise

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ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS IDENTIFY AS ROCKEFELLER FAMILY

All 11,000,000 of the alleged illegal immigrants in the USA  have filed papers - bilingual - with the Dept. of Injustice claiming that they are members of the Rockefeller  family and a historic part of everything that has made America great - oil wells, unscrupulous business deals, foreign wars, hiring cheap foreign help , unemployed but still fabulously wealthy people, foundations that give money to causes assuring that unemployed but still fabulously wealthy people remain so, etc - thus making them great patriots rather than illegal aliens.

Spokesperson Luis Garcia Montalbo Rosenberg said the group had hidden its true identity at great cost for many years, barely evading detection by authorities, secret police, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, local police depts, the Klan, Neo-Nazis and most difficult to evade of all, Middle School  Junior G-Man Groups. "You think it's easy to not be detected? You try to anonymously get a  motel room  for 11 million some time and see how far you'll get. It's been hell, the hiding, the seeking, just awful. And all the time we all knew our real identities were as Rockefellers, that we were really old and not new Americans, that we were really rich and not poor Americans, but we had to remain  quiet and lay low."

"Why? Because of our accents, schmuck. Now that it's fashionable to sound like an immigrant, our inner identity which has been smothered for so long can  finally breathe free air. How do we get to Rockefeller Center? We'd like to visit some of our family real estate holdings.

HOMELESS MAN IDENTIFIES AS WARREN BUFFET: Demands Access To His Bank Account

The latest case of identitarian fluidity has authorities,  experts and other  hustlers pondering deeply over their fields of study,  material reality and Beyonce's latest album.

Dr. Felice DePublica, Chair of the Committee to Investigate Serious Sophomoric Yearnings, said "We're looking into this as both a mind boggling legal, psychological and social dilemma totally removed from toilet use but having serious potential impact on market forces, individual achievements, amassed personal fortunes, and our own careers.

The homeless man said he has long identified as Buffet but refrained from "coming out", fearing that he might be seen as simply looking for money rather than seeking to publicly acknowledge the billionaire he really was and not the destitute, homeless person who  had no  access to a toilet - public or private  - in years.

 " I am not seeking anything that isn't really mine since I am Warren Buffet."Asked how that could be true since there was already a well known person named Warren Buffet, the man said " There could be two of us identifying as the same being..it's no different than me identifying as a woman or a racoon or a presidential candidate. Wait a minute..do you think I have any resemblance to Donald Trump? Or Hillary Clinton?"

Vietnam Arms Embargo to Be Fully Lifted, Obama Says in Hanoi

Viet Nam gratefully promises to wait until after the November elections to use the arms to bomb american cities, defoliate the american countryside and slaughter as many civilians as possible. "We wouldn't want our retribution to reflect negatively on Obama" said the VietNamese Department of American Illogic spokesperson.

Justice Department Opens Investigation Into Russian Doping Scandal

Voices outrage over Russian refusal to buy drugs from world's number one supplier: the U.S.A.

From The Garlic? Nope..The NYTimes..then, the Garlic

from the nytimes:

Hillary Clinton Gives U.F.O. Buffs Hope She Will Open the X-Files

Space enthusiasts are captivated by Mrs. Clinton's interest in discussing extraterrestrials and her pledge to declassify government files on Area 51.

from the garlic:

Many of these enthusiasts, along with some 911 truthers, have long believed that Bill Clinton kept  several of his women at Area 51 hoping that the Top Secret nature of the facility would help keep his adventures equally secret. They had long theorized that his threat to send Monica Lewinsky there played a role in her telling her story to a White House source. This has also led to speculation that Donald Trump would ask her to be his running mate on the Republican ticket but Trump campaign aides have said he seems more interested in having El Chapo on the ticket in order to gain some of the latino votes he lost with his infamous quote about all latinos being rapists, murderers, child abusers and wife beaters, after Muslim immigrants were through raping, murdering, abusing and beating those same respective sub-identity groups. 

The space enthusiast, truther, demublican, republicrat, transpecies and unemployed third generation multi-colored american voters caucus has asked the United Nations, the World Bank and People for the Equitable Treatment of Animals  to investigate the potential of extra-terrestrial infiltration of congress, the white house and the national rifle association as possible causes of the recent  out break of rabies , deng fever and anti-semitism among primary voters, binge tv watchers and clients of Alan Dershowitz.

Congratulations to Donald Trump and Supporters!

Congratulations to the Republican base for its incredible accomplishment of wrenching the GOP away from elite control without using media managers, super PACS, focus groups, and almost no TV ads. Democrats who sneer at this accomplishment have yet to gain similar control of their own party. If they're so smart, how come Wall Street and the Israel fanatics remain in control of their party?

Republican elites are aghast at the popular takeover of "the party of Lincoln," on the basis of the usual tortured reasoning. To wit:  

(1) Trump has proposed a (temporary) ban on Muslim immigration! 

But what sense has it ever made to have mass immigration from Muslim dominant regions of the world while simultaneously engaged in a "war on terror" against them? Reduce their cities to rubble, then take in the orphans. Our humanitarianism is a sight to behold. 

(2) Heaven forbid, Trump favors protectionism in trade policy, and calls for elimination of the Trans-Pacific Partnership! 

Yes, he does, but his protectionism at least has the virtue of being directed at "bringing back American jobs," whereas the protectionism preferred by the Republican establishment (going under the improbable name "free trade") protects nothing but limitless profits for the all-important one tenth of one percent of the American people with decisive control over the private economy. And no, these profits do not trickle down. Note to Bernie Sanders supporters: job-killing "free trade" agreements are an issue that could bring unity to anti-establishment voters currently divided by affiliation with establishment parties.

(3) Trump once was pro-choice and currently says that Planned Parenthood has helped "millions of women" with its health screenings. 

Well, health screenings do indeed help people, while on abortion Trump has evolved from a pro-choice position to a pro-life with exceptions position. It's not clear what is wrong with this evolution, as many Republicans make exceptions on abortion in cases of rape and incest, for example, while Hillary Clinton has a pro-choice with restrictions position. What is the difference between pro-life with exceptions and pro-choice with restrictions?

(4) He's backtracked on opposition to a minimum wage.

Yes, to his credit, he is now saying that "you have to have something you can live on." And the problem with this is?

(5) He opposes plans for means-testing Social Security and other benefit cuts.

Means-testing violates the whole idea of social insurance, which is based on solidarity and mutual aid, not whether or not an individual "qualifies" to receive such human dignity. Everyone qualifies, by definition. Trump apparently sees this, while his elite critics do not.

(6) He favors the government negotiating bulk discounts with Big Pharma, so Americans can get cheaper drug prices, a violation of "free market" principles.

And this is a problem? If you want to know why the Republican base loathes establishment politicians, look no further. Elites prefer to push sick and injured people into financial ruin paying for their drugs, rather than arrange reasonable prices in return for the taxpayer's having underwritten pharmaceutical research and development, as well as other unprofitable production costs. 

(7) Trump supports raising taxes on the rich.

God forbid. And Dwight Eisenhower declared that any politician opposing New Deal policies had no place in American political life. Let's recall that progressive taxation (higher tax rates on those with higher incomes) was an essential element of the New Deal, so what this essentially means is that the Donald is trying to move the extremist GOP back toward the political center. And what's wrong with that?

(8) Trump used to support single-payer health care as exists in Canada.

God help us if Trump helps us de-commodify health care as not just the Canadians, but every developed country in the world has long since done. Single payer would mean an end to multiple overlapping private bureaucracies and their parasitic middle-men, who currently drain off 1.2 trillion dollars a year in unnecessary costs, while interfering with the delivery of quality health care. It is unfortunate that Trump is not currently promoting such a solution to our price-gouging medical system, which costs the American people twice as much per capita as the people in any other developed country, with much worse health outcomes. 

(9) Trump wants to avoid a new generation of nuclear weapons valued at $1,000,000,000,000. 

Trump wants to "rebuild the military" but avoid this colossal waste expenditure. And the problem is?

(10) Trump wants to eliminate job killing "free trade" treaties like TISA, TPP, and TPIP.

Offshoring U.S. production in the name of "free trade" has had devastating effects on American working people, who have lost their jobs, pensions, and hope for the future. The bright side of this is supposed to be "broad prosperity," but that doesn't exist. Score another point for Trump.

(11) Trump falsely accused "thousands of Muslims" in New Jersey of cheering the fall of the Twin Towers on 911.

This is a slander on them, but there WAS widespread satisfaction that the U.S. was getting a taste of its own medicine on 911, and not just among Muslims. The civilian death toll from unjust U.S. wars since WWII is well into the millions, and how can people not resent it? Trump, though not intentionally, is merely reminding us that "what goes around comes around." Why should the U.S. government be able to indulge mass killing with impunity and never suffer terrorist retaliation?

Republican elites are certainly right that the foregoing is ample evidence that Trump is "not a real conservative." But so what? He just set a record for votes received by a candidate in a Republican primary season, which is the only thing that is supposed to count. The grand principles of the "party of Lincoln and Reagan" - endless war for the many and limitless wealth for the few - just aren't popular.  Boo hoo.

Supreme Court To Rule On Trans-Species Case

The legal, political, sports, facebook and toilet use communities are anxiously awaiting the historic decision of a future Supreme Court in the matter regarding a man who claims to be a dog and demands the right to urinate on hydrants and defecate in the street as guaranteed by the constitution. Many legal scholars and most representatives of the animal food industry are supporting his case, which has attracted the attention of the trans-sexual, trans-political and trans-economic communities.

The man, a former presidential candidate of the Identitarian Party named Hortensio Meyer Rocco Weintraub Jackson McGoldfarb, answers to the nickname of ms pc-pers and has been the subject of much controversy in the past, assuming several identity transformations which have confused medical, psychological, pharmaceutical and therapeutic authorities even while increasing their incomes.

The Legalienate staff had a recent opportunity to interview his wife.

Legalienate: how long has your husband seen himself as actually being a dog as opposed to a human?

It began a short time after his recovery from slavery, or at least his profound awakening to his inner slave, which was a powerful though terrible experience since he would not relate to any white people at all, even me, his wife, until I got him to face that I was jewish and so had never really shared in the white privilege which he came to hate so much after realizing he was actually an African descended from slaves. Well, his great-grandfather had been European and his grandmother was an apache, but he vividly recollected the slave experience regardless of those genetic nuances, which, according to his unique generic and now species fluidity really didn’t amount to much.

Prior to that I knew he was more than special when he’d experienced reincarnation as a holocaust victim which was even more difficult since he despised all gentiles and feared they would exterminate us pursuant to their eons or decades old plan. Luckily that only lasted a few weeks while his slave experience took months to work itself out, but this latest species transformation has been the longest lasting and of even deeper meaning, to both of us.

Legalienate: what affect has this had on your daily life?

Well, he has periods in which he acts like a human male but they are getting shorter and his canine behavior is becoming far more prevalent and seemingly ordinary. Like, he really can’t use the toilet any more and I have to take him out to do it in the street, which is natural to him because he is, after all, a dog who just happens to be in a man’s body. And he likes to be on a leash so he can pull on it just to force me in another direction, in a very typical dog way.

Legalienate: Have complaints about that street behavior led to this becoming a possibly historic case going all the way to the Supreme Court?

Yes, even though most people don’t usually see us going out at night, there have been enough sightings and complaints to cause legal problems with charges of indecent exposure, defecation and urination in public and other nuisance things that have forced us to retain legal representation and demand our rights as humans responding to forces greater than our own which compel certain behaviors over which we, or at least he, have no control.

Legalienate: What about other aspects of personal married life, like, if we may ask, intimacies?

These are interesting questions. As you might imagine, doing it doggy style was a novelty before but I have to admit it can become boring when it seems to be the only way, but our love has not changed due to any physical differences brought about by my husband’s special transformation. We love each other just as we used to and still sleep with our beloved dog, but we act out that love in a fashion we never dreamed of doing with our dog. Or at least I never dreamed of, since our dog is female. I am not gay and have no desire to have sex with my female dog; it’s only with my male husband who is a dog in his heart and soul but still is very much a human male in body. Though at times he seems to express interest in sniffing her private parts I’m happy to say most of his interest is in sniffing mine.

Legalienate: But what about the family question. Any thoughts or future desires there?

Luckily my husband was altered before he found his inner dog so pregnancy is not a problem, but we might someday consider a family in which case the surrogate market will be there for us. In the meantime, our pleasures are experienced in a slightly different way but our love remains as strong as it ever was.

Legalienate: How so?

Well, to be honest, if I touch his penis now he snaps, sometimes barks and a couple of times he’s bitten me but not enough to hurt but merely to keep me away. That’s a change from past behavior, I can tell you, and the doggy style I referred to earlier can become something less than spontaneous when it’s really all that’s possible. I mean a missionary position with a dog, even if in a man’s body, is quite unnatural for the dog in the mans body, if you follow. But our adjustments, as I said, are all in keeping with our love, which transcends just as my husband’s species has seemed to take another form. Prior to this we Americans have had intimate relations with our dogs even to them becoming members of our family, but this takes the human-dog kinship to levels never before dreamed of, at least not by most humans .We may well be facing a much larger issue than climate change when we consider the future ramifications of species change, don’t you think?

When Murder Is Okay..Or Not

Leaked Excerpt of Debate from War College Lesson on War Crimes

Let’s be clear about this, future heroic defenders of all that is good, democratic, loving and humane. You warriors in defense of liberty and justice can bomb a facility in a militarily defended area so long as it isn’t a hospital. You can murder entire families, crush their skulls , burn their bodies and scatter the arms and legs of all occupants of that building, whether they are men, women, children, in uniform or not, because they are in a building in the militarily defended area of a defined enemy of all that is good, peaceful and democratically profitable.

But:

if a person with,say, a crushed skull received as a result of your heroic bombing of that nest of enemy evil-doers is rushed across the street to a hospital where there might be some glue or surgical tape with which to reconstruct the skull so that person might one day be able to feed itself or move its bowels again, and you kill that person by bombing the hospital, that is a war crime!

Uh…wait a minute prof…I can blow some poor bastard’s brains out and have brain matter and puss running out of his ears and it’s okay if he’s in a building identified by my commanders as enemy territory populated by evil, monstrous, perverted terrorists, but if they drag his sorry, evil, monstrous, perverted, animal ass to a hospital and try forcing that brain ooze back into his head so that he might someday be able to pick his nose, wipe his drool, or something and while they’re trying to save this sorry-assed rotten bastard’s life I blow up that building and kill him, I’ve committed a war crime?

Yes.

If I kill him in what I’m told is his terrorist home I’m a hero , but if I kill his ass in what you tell me later is a hospital , I’m a murderer?

Yes.

Uh..is it too late to switch my major to law or medicine?