Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Open Fly Front

The Open Fly Front

The Open Carry gun movement has inspired a newer group of men to demand the right to appear in public with their pants unzipped. This Open Fly movement has caught authority with its pants down, since constitutional law doesn't seem to cover this aspect of freedom, which is being used by an even more vociferous group of rights-demanding American men. Legalienate interviewed the chairman of the New York chapter of Proudly Unzip That Zorch (Putz) at his home in Queens.

What has motivated you to demand this right to go out in public with your pants unzipped?

Anger around this issue has been building since Bill Clinton disgraced the country with his unmanly policies - like queers in the military and "No Fly" zones in Iraq. We want "Pro Fly" zones, not "No Fly" zones. We think it is time for American men to boldly present their manhood, or at least show that it is at hand for any emergency. We think that the sight of manly men with their pants opened and at the ready for exposure will help breed the respect, pride, and masculinity stolen from us by sissy culture.

Were you provoked by the Open Carry movement which has claimed the right to openly show a gun as long as it is unloaded?

We actually want to go one better because we feel the Open Carry movement is much less manly then our demand for Open Fly. In fact, I’ve long believed that men who need to show a gun are probably lacking in balls, and therefore need the feeling of comfort and security they get from carrying a fake weapon. We members of PUTZ, on the other hand, have got the real thing, always loaded, and we’re ready to flash it, expose it and use it at a moment's notice. That’s why we want to keep our flies open when we are in public, so that anyone who sees us knows that we are red-blooded American men who will respond as such in an instant, if provoked.

What does the law say about this?

There are laws against indecent exposure, but we will not expose ourselves unless there is a critical situation that demands it, in which case it becomes decent. So having an open fly is protected by law since it isn't prevented by law.

What would be a situation to cause you and other members to, uh, flash your members?

Well, if a terrorist or homosexual, for instance, was creating a problem, PUTZ members in the area could instantly expose their manly genitals and quickly bring the situation under control.


Well we know that terrorists are horrified by the sight of the human body, especially a bold American male genital organ, and homosexuals would be even more scared at the sight of a real man.

Really? You don't think a homosexual man might be excited by such a sight?

Uh.... . . maybe we need to rethink that one a little bit. But anyway, those terrorists are mostly heterosexual. Why would they want all those virgins at death unless they were heteros? More important is the fact that our movement is part of a rising up of Americans, especially men, who are pushing for a spurt of real change in a nation that has not only lost its way in the last few years but seems to have lost its masculinity as well. Our thrust is to prick holes in sissy culture by mounting an offensive for a re-birth of American freedom through proudly unzipping our flies and letting air into our pants while simultaneously airing out the American system of democracy which seems to have fallen into a socialistic communistic way of life that threatens our heritage, our future, and our sacred honor. We can't lick our enemies by remaining soft.

So you see going out in public with your fly open as a way of bringing about the change you think we need. How do you feel about other changes being called for, along with Open Carry, like gay marriage and the rejection of Don't ask Don’t tell in the military?

We think Open Carry and Open Marry are aspects of the same destructive, anti-real man culture, and the military rejection of red blooded heroic manly killers stems from the same communist-socialist plot to subvert our Founding Fathers and their dream of a nation of manly rich men in powdered wigs and corsets who owned slaves and kept women and made this country the great and powerful nation it has become. We say, Unzip for Freedom and let it All hang Out. But only if provoked, of course. We are law abiding citizens.


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