Friday, September 20, 2013

Bulletins from The Garlic News Bureau

NSA works to end mass killings committed by disturbed, lonely, alienated and unattended citizens by using electronic eavesdropping technology on mental patients who hear voices. This pre-crisis intervention technology will save lives and make a few bucks while doing so, at least for IT billionaires.

 Asked if such techniques could include listening in on those mentally disabled agents who heard Assad ordering use of chemical weapons agency claims diplomatic immunity for salaried employees of U.S. taxpayers and private firms sucking those same taxpayers dry.

Canada and Mexico to conduct joint inspection of USA’s weapons of mass destruction to supervise their, um,  mass destruction.

Mexico threatens that if there is not complete compliance with the international community’s demands that America rid itself of such weapons it will send tens of millions more immigrants into the country who will have lots of children, form militant labor unions, never learn English and beat the crap out of American soccer teams.

Canada will jam American TV programming with news broadcasts about its public financed health care system and force America to extend care to all those Mexican immigrants if compliance is not verified by the international community.

Finland, Iran and Syria will jointly inspect Israel’s supply of nuclear, chemical and other weapons of mass destruction. Israel charges anti-semitism and potential genocide through globally embargoed chicken fat and forced drinking of extremely flat seltzer.

General Assembly of United Nations reminds USA and Israel that they represent a tiny fraction of the global population and that the general assembly represents six billion people. US and Israel claim anti-semitism, hatred of exceptional nations, discrimination against master races and vow to bring issue to In-Security council.

Mental Health Crisis Centers follow NRA request to issue weapons to any and all who suffer severe inability to differentiate material reality from cosmic broadcast network bulletins about neighbors trying to kill them and Assad trying to gas them.

People in need of mental health support urged by NRA gun lobby to purchase weapons and murder fellow citizens as short-term solutions to their problems.

Private Insurers wait for Obamacare before providing mental health support for all who need it. Not yet profitable enough by comparison to gun sales, burial fees, grief counseling, according to Disaster Industry Council.

Assad charges Obama-Kerry with hearing voices speaking Hebrew that provoke them to commit international mass murder. They charge him with being a moron who is purposely using weapons stated as sanctioning direct U.S. – instead of the usual indirect U.S. – military intervention into Syria’s civil war. Assad hints, diplomatically, that they are slack jawed baboons prolonging war to a great extent started with interventions from the west.

Sweden, India, Brazil and Venezuela agree to test I.Q. of all three. Obama and Kerry refuse testing; accuse Assad of treacherous use of test gas and other nations of anti-semitism, anti-master-racism and not worshipping Martin Luther King’s Dream.

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