Sunday, October 12, 2014

Professor Sentenced To Death For Using “N” Word In Class


World famous professor Heinrich Mc Schultz, renowned for his theories on existential marketing and the philosophy of profit, was sentenced to death after an emotional plea by his former students. The professor had regularly referred to many of them by use of the “n” word, calling them nihilists, and when he used the ugly term towards one particular student, a survivor of the genocidal holocaust suffered by supporters of affirmative action, the tea party and pro football, it was too much.

“At first, I didn’t know what he was talking about. When he called me a “dirty nihilist” I thought he was referring to my knees. When I realized he was using the forbidden “n” word to indicate my character, lineage and belief system, I was shocked that this man could stoop so low. I felt a court case against him was the only way out of my existential dilemma and my further pursuit of a degree in the only way out of that existential dilemma: Marketing."

The jury of seven dogs and five cats was vehemently in favor of the death penalty and the court canine and feline translator, who has a graduate degree in veterinary linguistics, said the howling, yowling, barking and hissing made it clear that the domestic pets were in complete agreement.

Some parts of the academic, political and commodity franchising communities were shocked at the outcome of a trial which has transfixed some parts of the academic, political and commodity franchising communities for months now. Other parts of those communities were relieved at being able to get back to the important work of academically aiding to make political commodity franchising uppermost in the minds of the larger community of students, while seeing to it that all employed the correct language, grammar and politically correct speech in the tradition of free speech that doesn’t offend anyone’s freedom to be insulted by someone else’s idea of free speech.

 In a lecture to both houses of congress after the sentencing, the CEO of the American University Corporation said :

“We can’t have people screaming “theater” in a crowded fire, nor can we demean people verbally by using hateful language to address them, even if they are enemies we are killing, bombing and burning. We must always remember to use the politically correct terms of hate, especially while indulging in physical acts of brutality. It is unthinkable to use such filthy language in the academy. The professor deserves to die.”

The entire congress gave Chancellor Wilhelm von Mcumgowa Bernstein a standing ovation at the conclusion of his address. 

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